Be Calm, Like a Tree

By the end of tomorrow, I will either have a boyfriend, or my heart will be broken irreparably.

Errr, that’s rather… Dramatic. I feel like one of those stereotypical teens from one of those stereotypical romance novels with a stereotypical love interest – STOP RIGHT THERE, ELMITRON!

If you don’t know what I’m talking about (Ash and Cedar) then look at this long-ass post.

Wheee… Now you’re all caught up:

Oh my god oh my god WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!

Tomorrow, my friend Willow is going to try and find out Ash’s feelings for me. After her sociology, she’t going to ask him, and give him the name of who SHE fancies so they can both use that information if one of them spreads the other’s secret around.

That, errm, sounds rather familiar…

He’ll deny it. I know he will. I KNOW he will. Even if he DOES ‘fancy’ me, he’ll deny it anyway, because GUES WHAT?! He hates real life encounters!

I am scared he’ll say no. In fact, I’m dreading it, despite the fact that it’s the most likely outcome. It will hurt so much, because ONE YEAR of my life has been devoted to finding out how deep my feelings run.

But I’m even more terrified he’ll say yes.

Because then what?

What if I’m not ready for a relationship? What if I fuck EVERYTHING up? I don’t want to screw things up, because I want this to work goddamnit. I only ask for ONE relationship to work. ONE.

I’m scared. Really scared. I can’t stand the thought of him saying no, but what if he confronts me afterwards? I’ll tell him the truth, obviously, but what would I say?

Oh god. If he says no, what’s going to happen to me? Who knows how I’ll act. Oh god what if I do something stupid?

Sorry, guys. I’m just really, really terrified right now. Something is going to change tomorrow. Either way, he’s going to find out how I feel about him. It’s time he did, anyway…

Who am I kidding? His reaction to him finding out – what the hell? He’s my friend above all else!

Tomorrow is going to either screw me over, or make me so happy I eventually screw things over.

Bloody hell, that’s morbid.

For the love of God-

I LOVE YOU, ASH, OKAY?!

I think I should sleep. It doesn’t help that I have a mock interview tomorrow for a pretend position at a job…

HA! By 11 o’clock tomorrow morning, I’ll know.

Shit.

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3 thoughts on “Be Calm, Like a Tree

  1. I think I’m a bit late but from the sounds of it, you and Ash (have I got the right tree?) are really close. I’m no expert but I think that, after having built up a friendship for a year, whatever his answer is/was hopefully won’t determine whether you still have a friendship -for example, if it was a positive response and you don’t feel ready for a relationship, then see where things go but if it wasn’t what you expected that you can go on being friends without being confused about your feelings (sorry of this didn’t help)

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