What the hell was I expecting anyway? Part 2

So, guys. Things have gone to shit AGAIN – wow, I’m such a drama queen, it’s disgusting. Err, sorry…

It’d probably be smart to read part 1, otherwise you won’t know what the hell I’m blathering on about, and I physically can’t explain the entire situation.

Okay. Cedar. Yeah…

After things went to shit with Ash (nothing’s happened regarding that apart from that he’s kind of ignoring me?), I unconsciously set my hopes on Cedar. That involved, well, testing the waters as it were, to see how I felt towards him.

Ah… Perhaps that wasn’t the smartest of moves? Let’s put it this way: I realised I have bloody goddamn fucking feelings for the arsehole ON TOP of my feelings for Ash, and why the fuck am I such a drama queen selfish attention-hogging needy-

FUCK! Okay, I’m not deleting any of this. I refuse to edit myself.

I thought things were going fantastically – well, as good as it gets in my mind. It was Willow’s birthday today so I was really happy because I love it when my friends have birthdays.

My friend Pine, and HER friend Daisy – alright, Daisy’s not my friend. She knows about both Cedar and Ash, because I was stupid and told her.

I’m not sure when they did this, because I found out about it after lunch; it was Daisy who told me.

Separately, Daisy and Pine had asked Cedar if he fancied me.

What the fuck.

Pine is great. I really like Pine because she’s my oldest school friend. But now? Now I regret thinking I wanted something to happen because well, you should be careful of what you wish for.

Daisy told me that Cedar had said no, but that his face held an expression of “hang on, does she fancy me? Oh!”

It was then that Pine showed up. Daisy immediately asked, “Did you-”

“Yes.”

“And?”

“Uh… No.”

I was silent. Utterly fucking silent. I just stood there, and probably looked so sad, because Daisy said “PINE! You’ve ruined their… Romance!”

“There was no romance,” I snapped. And it is true. There was never anything, never will be. I’m such a fucking idiot.

Pine had to help me into the form room because I have no independence which is kind of pathetic. I remember gripping onto her hand so, so hard; I’ve never really showed how THAT would effect me before and I knew she could tell.

I didn’t get to talk to Pine at all about it, because she had to go to the school hall – not sure why. I told her before she went, “I’m sad.” That’s only really what I could say.

There’s something here I don’t know. I’m missing something; I know it.

First Ash, now Cedar – it’s selfish of me to want a break from this shit, or to have something go right. Yep, selfish. God, this post is a right mess. I’m sorry. I know it’s probably difficult to read.

Fine. When I was ‘testing the waters’ with Cedar, I overly ‘flirted’. The FUCK? I don’t flirt! It was just a…

I misjudged his actions. I thought there might have been hope, but perhaps I was wrong. Sounds familiar, right? Sounds so fucking familiar!

When everything was happening with Ash, I used to regard Cedar as a… Fallback? God, that’s awful. Elm, that’s AWFUL, and disgusting, and terrible.

Now?

I was too late. If I could have ever been early, I mean. I had all my hopes tethered on something Pine heard in engineering, and Cedar probably got over that “maybe” pretty quickly.

Something Daisy said really bothered me: “Well, I’m sure he LIKES you. As a friend. Because Elm, you’re a really nice person.”

That would have been fine, with Ash. Well, no, but I’m already friends with Ash and I know he values me.

With Cedar? Is it selfish to want more than friendship? Urgh, I should be pleased with what I have!

I can’t deal with this stupid immature teenaged love struggles. I feel so petty and childish. I’m not even joking. I don’t even know what I want to happen, or what I’m supposed to do. Or feel, for that matter.

I am so so sorry. Usually, I hate reading these kinds of posts, so I’m sorry if this was a bore or a struggle.

Thank you so much if you read all of that. I just guess I needed to get this off my chest because now I feel hollow.

From Elm

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15 thoughts on “What the hell was I expecting anyway? Part 2

  1. I’m sorry, I have nothing to say about this, but I don’t even really know you, but I’m sure you’re none of the things you’ve mentioned. Also, there are like I don’t know, a million guys around you. Why waste time on two?

  2. Your not being selfish. Everyone wants to be loved/or be the affections of the person they fancy. Hell I’ve dealt with this enough myself to know that it sucks when you think someone likes you only to have that ruined.
    I just hope you’ll be able to stop being sad soon. I hate knowing other people are upset.

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