Good enough of a sentence to start a post with as any, right? Nah… But “er” sums up my situation pretty correctly. I’d hope, anyway. Hope? Oh for the love of god, I don’t even know.
But to tell you the truth? I’ve lost trust in every single fucking person I know.
God, that’s harsh. It was my own fault anyway, for not forgiving people when I should have. I hold grudges too easily, and my friends are right: they can’t support me if I moan about feeling guilty for physically not being able to forgive them.
But it’s not a choice. It’s not a choice for me. I just can’t help it. That’s so morbid. I’m sorry.
The A and C situations have contributed to all this. The loss of trust, the anger at everything – I’m just so sick and tired of everyone. Literally everyone. I’m so frustrated, and panicky all the time, because when I get angry, I do stupid things. Ash could attest to that.
I had arguments yesterday. I suppose you’d call them arguments? It was just mainly me reacting angrily to, well, everything.
I’m slightly horrified at myself. I’ve got 3 good friends. 4. FOUR. And I found myself so upset with all of them, for various reasons.
1. “They think I hate them.” 2. “They don’t understand me at all.” 3. “They don’t even give a shit.” 4. “I’ve been replaced.”
None of those are true. I know it. I was just so furious yesterday, and tired, and I had no idea what I was doing. I wanted it all to stop. I wanted me to just shut up, shut up and never fucking act like that again, because how I was – am – was disgusting.
But now I just feel really empty, and I have this cold feeling that won’t go away. I don’t want more arguments, but i’ for some messed up reason’ can’t EVER stop myself from retaliating. Or starting them.
Jesus Christ. I’m a mess. A complete goddamn mess. Why have I clung on to everything for so long?
Other friends have other problems. Will not bother them. Don’t even trust myself, so how the fuck am I meant to trust anyone else?
What the HELL! I used to be all about trust! I still am… I have to be. I trust my friends. Trust gets you help. Trusting people is good.
But I can’t. I just can’t. I guess I’ve just taken a massive dive, where everything gets flipped upside down. BOOM. The usually loyal, trusting Elm has turned into a subdued monster.
I don’t believe this. I need something.
I need Ash, goddamnit. This is pathetic. I’m going to bed.
Sorry about this, guys. You’re all amazing readers and I am in a terrible state of mind right now. I don’t really know what to say apart from I’m so sorry I made you read that. I’m so sorry I WROTE that.
Sometime soon, I am going to make a post that ISN’T about myself. I’m going to make a post for you guys to read and it’s going to be something you get something out of. I promise. Thank you so much for reading; you mean the world to me.