Take A Long Look At Yourself, Damnit!

Er.

Good enough of a sentence to start a post with as any, right? Nah… But “er” sums up my situation pretty correctly. I’d hope, anyway. Hope? Oh for the love of god, I don’t even know.

I guess what’s bothering me right now is the Ash situation and the Cedar situation, but the Ash situation has been screwing around with my mind much more lately. I think.

But to tell you the truth? I’ve lost trust in every single fucking person I know.

God, that’s harsh. It was my own fault anyway, for not forgiving people when I should have. I hold grudges too easily, and my friends are right: they can’t support me if I moan about feeling guilty for physically not being able to forgive them.

But it’s not a choice. It’s not a choice for me. I just can’t help it. That’s so morbid. I’m sorry.

The A and C situations have contributed to all this. The loss of trust, the anger at everything – I’m just so sick and tired of everyone. Literally everyone. I’m so frustrated, and panicky all the time, because when I get angry, I do stupid things. Ash could attest to that.

I had arguments yesterday. I suppose you’d call them arguments? It was just mainly me reacting angrily to, well, everything.

I’m slightly horrified at myself. I’ve got 3 good friends. 4. FOUR. And I found myself so upset with all of them, for various reasons.

1. “They think I hate them.” 2. “They don’t understand me at all.” 3. “They don’t even give a shit.” 4. “I’ve been replaced.”

None of those are true. I know it. I was just so furious yesterday, and tired, and I had no idea what I was doing. I wanted it all to stop. I wanted me to just shut up, shut up and never fucking act like that again, because how I was – am – was disgusting.

But now I just feel really empty, and I have this cold feeling that won’t go away. I don’t want more arguments, but i’ for some messed up reason’ can’t EVER stop myself from retaliating. Or starting them.

Jesus Christ. I’m a mess. A complete goddamn mess. Why have I clung on to everything for so long?

Other friends have other problems. Will not bother them. Don’t even trust myself, so how the fuck am I meant to trust anyone else?

What the HELL! I used to be all about trust! I still am… I have to be. I trust my friends. Trust gets you help. Trusting people is good.

But I can’t. I just can’t. I guess I’ve just taken a massive dive, where everything gets flipped upside down. BOOM. The usually loyal, trusting Elm has turned into a subdued monster.

I don’t believe this. I need something.

I need Ash, goddamnit. This is pathetic. I’m going to bed.

Sorry about this, guys. You’re all amazing readers and I am in a terrible state of mind right now. I don’t really know what to say apart from I’m so sorry I made you read that. I’m so sorry I WROTE that.

Sometime soon, I am going to make a post that ISN’T about myself. I’m going to make a post for you guys to read and it’s going to be something you get something out of. I promise. Thank you so much for reading; you mean the world to me.

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19 thoughts on “Take A Long Look At Yourself, Damnit!

  1. Don’t apologise; it’s good to get these things out. Especially if it helps in some way? Its brave to talk so openly. I wish I was more like that.
    Time can often help cure things, but other than that I suggest taking time out to really think through the situation, calmly? I understand that it’s agitating you, but you might reach a point where you’re still somewhat stressed, but it’s at a level which you can begin to build on top of. As in, you can keep it at bay. It’s something you’d do on your own, but then maybe talk about?

    • Yeah, you’re right πŸ™‚ I just need to get in that position, and remind myself not to get angry when anyone says anything. That literally happened today – I got an angry feeling, but then just a tired one, and I just decided not to speak to anyone. But I NEED to sort myself out – it’s going to take me time, though, and that’s the one thing I DON’T have, because school and such. But thank you so much for your advice; I need it.

      • Time is such a ……. I totally get what you mean. School is time consuming enough and now this? It’s just plain inconvenient.
        I’m not great at dealing with anger. But I’m glad that something I’ve said has helped.

      • It really has. I just need to… Calm. Calm a LOT.
        School’s a massive factor, but it’s also that I’m going to have to face my friends. I love my friends, don’t get me wrong. But I don’t know how my confusing feelings are going to mannifest in RL and that’s what scares me.

      • People often say that good friends will stick with you – like, is it? – through thick and thin? Yeah?
        True, people have limits but take it EASY. Take it easy.

      • Aw πŸ™‚
        You are! You’ve inspired a post. It’s a tough one to write, but your bravery has prompted it.

      • Really? Well whatever it is about, I know that you’re brave and that you have amazing amounts of courage.

  2. Oh, Elm *gives a virtual hug* yeah, I don’t know if that helped, but whatever. I’m glad you let it out, instead of bottling up the feelings. Whatever happens, we’ll all be here for you. ❀

    • Of COURSE it helps! You’re all amazing and I needed to write this down, so much. I’m so glad I have your support πŸ™‚

  3. Hey sweetheart I know you have been given a lot of advice from your followers, but I thought I’d share my 2c worth. In order for relationships to work there has to be independence before dependence, you need to build yourself back up and when you do your problems will be easier to tackle because you will be strong eenough to handle them.

    • You’re right πŸ™‚ But it’s so, so difficult when I don’t even know how. And I’m getting pressure put on me to think about other people, all the time.

      • Take it a step at a time, first small things like going shopping and finding a dress or something that makes you look and feel good and then work on bigger things like learning what your insecurities are and working on them to build yourself up into a stronger person, your situations at the moment should teach you something about yourself. Ignore other people and their issues for a while because you can’t help them if you can’t help yourself

  4. It sucks that you’re feeling this way but things will get better. I know exactly what it feels like to think you’re being replaced or that your friend doesn’t care but in situations like those the thing I wish I had done was to talk to them. Also, if you’re friends can’t deal with you at your worst, they don’t deserve you at your best. Just remember that you’re fabulous, there is nothing wrong with who you are. Be strong. xx

    • Thank you so much, that means a lot – it really does. I guess I don’t want to talk to them because I’m scared of my own reactions?

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