Cedar? NOT AGAIN!

HA! Cursed with the curse of the Cedar – damnit!

I can’t explain the situation with Ash at all. I’m sorry. Seriously, I am. I’m breaking about 20 promises if I do. If I’m close to you, I may tell you, but… I don’t know. I’m sorry.

I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do.

I tried to ignore Ash in French – I felt so furious that I couldn’t even think. It scared me. And so, the ‘Let’s talk to him to sort this out!’ thought went right out the window. Like I said to my friend Red, I could NEVER speak to him unless I calmed completely down.

This isn’t about Ash, though. Not primarily.

It’s about Cedar – remember him? ARGH!

I share a science class with Red and my friend Odd. You know her – that awesome specimen who wrote a post on this blog?

We were doing revision today, in one of the computer rooms. The seating order went: Odd, me, some random person (no idea who), Red, Cedar’s friend Rowan (tree name because he’s somewhat important) and Cedar himself.

Fuck’s sake. I couldn’t concentrate. It was bullshit. I kept hearing his voice and silently freaking out with a mix of confusion, anger and… Fear? Nah, that’s not right – not fear, just slight alarm I suppose.

At the end of EVERY science lesson – well, nearly every one – we all have a sort of… Routine. I stand up. Odd takes my cane. Cedar comes up, with Rowan and Red (usually). Laughing, I usually find myself next to him, or very near him. Sometimes he ends up taking my cane – it’s not malicious, don’t worry. It’s hilarious. And sometimes we have a tug of war, or I try to get his hands off the damn thing. By grabbing his hands. That seems to happen a hell of a lot, but that’s just my pathetic way of trying to touch him.

Today, we were talking, I don’t remember what about. He was jokingly waving his hand in front of my eyes because I mentioned I had a blind spot (my right eye just for reference). I don’t get offended – god no! Don’t give a shit, to be honest.

All I remember was somebody – Red, perhaps? – insulting Cedar. And I defended him.

And then Rowan, bless his thrice-damned soul, turned to me. “Well done, Elm, defending your lover!”

I shrieked. Apparently it’s an ongoing joke that Cedar has relationships with everyone. There was this one time he pretended to have a relationship with me, then dumped me (jokingly) and Rowan was our relationship “councellor”. That was… Funny, and it was also before I “fancied” him.

It hurt like the damn hells. Literally I felt sick. I laughed it off, though. I always do.

At lunch, I talked to Red. I often do, now – not sure why. He knows everything, and I mean everything. Cedar came up to us at one point. Nearly pissed myself I was so scared. Then, my “friend” Holly joined us.

Holly’s, er, loud. And she makes me act irrationally and like a moron.

“I’m gonna go,” said Cedar a few minutes later. We hadn’t talked much. I wondered why the fuck he came over to us.

“Red, see what I mean?” I muttered. He did, of course.

It makes me upset. Cedar and I barely have anything in common but it’s easy with him. I’m trying to get over Ash, I suppose, but rebounding onto someone else isn’t the answer. It ALWAYS happens, though.

Damn it, Cedar! He drives me round the bloody bend. It’s like mixed signals, but he’s not even giving me that.

Blargh.

I am so immature.

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One thought on “Cedar? NOT AGAIN!

  1. You’re not immature, you’re confused. You’re like a melting pot of feelings. Love, hate, anger, rage, affection and so on. It’s normal you cannot concentrate or react in ways you might deem immature. Don’t worry, everything’s normal, well, considering your situation. You should really put some distance between you and everything that’s happened. Make your weekend an “Elm Weekend”; i.e. take some time for yourself. Do whatever makes you happy and in the evening when the thoughts come back, write them down. Write a song, make an album about the situation, anything. Just get it out of your heart, mind, soul and body. Otherwise, it’ll make you go crazy. It’ll be too much. Situations like yours always take parts of you away, don’t let them get the best of you. Stay strong!

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