I Want to Snap but I Can’t

I’m so viciously angry and upset right now that it’s terrifying me.

Well, I’m scared for three reasons:

1. I just finished my piano lesson. I hate piano so, so much – the learning of it, I mean. My teacher doesn’t know how to handle me at all and I always feel disgusting and like a failure and then I rip at my hands where she can’t see and I’m fucking fucking stupid. I hate it, but I have to finish my grade 3 before I quit even if right now I literally want to punch myself because I hate it so much. I’m not exaggerating – it’s not like I think “UGH piano”, I think “no no god no fuck it fucking disgusting stupid retard”. I NEVER call myself a retard. Ever. It’s awful.

2. I’ve lost Ash as a friend and it’s only just sunk in and I feel sick to my core. I need him back because he helps me and God, I’m so pathetic.

3. I think I’m losing one of my best friends. We never talk and my friend Wren talked to me about it today and said ‘maybe you two are just drifting apart’ and I WANTED to react violently because no, no god no. It’s a part of life but I’ve lost 3 of my really good friends in a year and a half and it hurts so much that I can’t think. I don’t want to lose her and I DON’T CARE if people say it’s a natural part of life. I PHYSICALLY CAN’T bear to lose her. Pathetic, huh? Yeah, thought so.

I won’t do anything to hurt myself. I can’t because people will see because I can’t hide it. So I’m just going to keep it all inside apart from talking about it on this because really nobody gives a shit because they don’t understand me.

“But for every friend you’ve lost, you gained one! When Ash went, you found a friend in Red!” Oh my God what the fuck NO! NO! LITERALLY NO!

Dear god I don’t know what I’m doing.

I’ve turned into a horrible person and I hate it! This is a complete mess of a post but I’m too stupid to delete it.

Sorry. Oh god sorry. And I was so happy, yesterday. I’m sorry.

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45 thoughts on “I Want to Snap but I Can’t

  1. Hey, it’s okay. I give a shit, if it makes you feel any better. And I know I’m just a random stranger on the internet but from your posts I know you’re an awesome person, that unfortunately bad things happen to. I’m so sorry you feel this way but I have some good news. I’m nominating you for the ‘Inspiring Blogger Award’ and my post should be up in a little while πŸ™‚

  2. Ok breath, which is what I tell my daughter on a day to day, she get’s overly excited and upset all the time. Sometimes she even says “Mom, I’m so angry I could hurt something and that scares me!!”…so I can totally relate. Her nemisis is math usually or her artwork, she is always telling me she sucks at drawing that, she wishes she was more like me and as good as I am. I have to remind her that I am also 38 years old and have many many years of practice and I didn’t always think that I was good, still am my own worst critic. When you have to do piano lessons, think of it as something fun and don’t think of yourself as stupid or pathetic…imagine you are in Carnegie Hall playing for all your fans πŸ˜‰

    As far as friendship goes, I can tell you that friendships wax and wane, if you are truly as good of friends as you believe, then they may just be taking a break for themselves. I have a very very dear and wonderful best friend who is like my sister and we have been friends now for 27 years…we have had our moments where we haven’t spoken for months and even years. Sometimes people just need to take a look at their lives for a little bit, it will be ok.

    Lastly, you are not stupid and being able to verbalize this on a blog proves it!! So chin up chickadee, things will be better…life is just sometimes a little nuts.

    Jess

    • Literally thank you so much. Your comments and your encouragement mean more to me than I can put into words. You’re an amazing person and you’re so good at advice and at making me feel better about myself. Thank you again.

  3. Ugh, this sounds like shit to go through. Just remember; whatever you think, you’re bloody amazing at piano and everything you do! Even if it might not seem like it right now, you are. Promise. And Ash? Well, he’s being a dick at the moment, but eventually you two will be as close as you were before. When he’s ready to listen you just need to explain how he’s been making you feel recently and he’ll understand. And your friend? I’m sure you’re not losing her. If she’s that important to you, and you’re as important to her, then everything will fall into place and work itself out.

  4. Oh Elm I wish you didn’t have to deal with all of this. I just wish you could be happy and that things with Ash would work out and that you could just be Happy because you deserve it.
    Also if it helps I give a shit about you.
    You’re such a lovely person elm and I’m really glad that I know you (at least as much as the Internet and my social skills can allow)
    You can always message me if you ever feel like it.

    • Thank you so so much, Tiegan. You’re so amazing. I WILL message you – I NEED to, anyway; you’re great to talk to. I wish things would work out too, but they don’t and they haven’t at all.

  5. I get what you mean on the piano side to the post. I’m doing grade 6, although I probably won’t actually do it because it’s nearly summer and I’m going to uni next year. Point is, keep aiming for that goal, and once you’ve done it you won’t have to have lessons anymore. You’ll have reached a milestone, rather than getting halfway and giving up, and regretting it later. And hey, in the future you can play for fun and learn songs you actually like!
    Friendships are alway tricky, and though I don’t know all the ins and outs of your situation, things always have a way of working themselves out. You did say that “some people drift apart” and “it’s natural”, which is true for some people. But for others, in time you’ll become closer and all you needed was some time apart. It’s gonna be difficult, because personally, I always want to know how soon is “soon”. Eventually you will work things out. You’ll power through. As Shia LaBoeuf said “if you’re tired of starting over, stop giving up”. As long as you don’t give up hope, I believe you’ll get through your situation. Stay strong bro! 😊

  6. Stop ripping at your hands ’cause it ain’t no good. The simplest reason is that if you hurt your hands too badly, you can’t play the piano for a while and your lessons will go on longer. You can hate your teacher all you want, go ahead. But for god’s sake, play the damn piano. It’s no punishment. You’re amazing at it. Show that to yourself. Let your teacher talk all the goddamn sh*t in the world. Play for yourself. Don’t waste your emotions on hating your teacher but play for the benefit of your soul. Sorry for swearing.
    Concerning Ash, get some distance between you and him and time will tell you if you get closer again or if you’ll stay apart forever. You’ll learn to live with the loss even if you can’t imagine it right now. You’re not in the least pathetic. You just care and that’s not a bad feature. It will hurt a lot but you’ll eventually get through it so that you can live with whatever the consequences may be. We lose people and we get to know new people. That’s life and one day you’ll have to come to terms with the fact. Of course gaining a new friend ain’t a substitute for the one you’ve lost. But it’s a chance for you to move on and you should take it. It’s not easy and it never gets easier. You have to get the pain out because that’s why you can’t bear losing any friend. We make ourselves suffer too much because we don’t talk about our inner demons and are afraid to face them alone. We are afraid and that’s understandable. But sometimes there’s no other way.
    Don’t you ever hurt yourself. It numbs the emotional pain only for a while and then it’ll come back. No cutting or whatever is ever gonna drive the demons away. It’s only gonna fuel the fire.
    Let it all out. It’ll take a lot of strength and you’ll feel hopelessly lost at time but in the end it’s worth it.
    You’re not a horrible person. A horrible person wouldn’t give a shit. And you give more than one shit. Don’t be sorry for feeling bad. It’s as okay as being happy. We can never experience just one side of the coin. You’re an awesome girl who just got lost along the way. That happens. Don’t worry. Just because you can’t see the clearing doesn’t mean it is not there. You gotta walk tall and one day you’ll be happy again. Stay strong. You can do it.

  7. Good girl for not resulting to extreme self-harm or something of the sort. Above all, stay strong, Elm! You are a beautiful person and it hurts me to see you hurting. I wish you the best of luck and I want you to know that I’m rooting for you! ❀

    • Thank you so much πŸ™‚ You’re great, you know that? I suppose now that I think on it I posted that so I WOULDN’T resort to extreme measures, if that makes any sense? But thank you so so much.

      • Aw yeah, I definitely see how getting your thoughts out that way could help keep you from snapping. Journaling (and blogging) really help me ‘harness’ my anger—so to speak—when I’m really upset about something.
        And of course, anytime! Much love sent your way ❀

      • You’re right – it’s safer and easier than any alternative. It’s just such a therapeutic way of letting out the emotions.

  8. Hi Elm, I understand you’re in a pretty crappy situation. Last year I had this month-long period where I was losing my bestie and it was crushing. But it turned out okay and we’re still all good, so I hope you and Ash and this other friend will stick around for each other, because you seem to be really close and special to each other. πŸ™‚ We’re all supporting you!

    • I know you are – well, I even knew it then, but all logic smashed the window down. It’s just difficult, though I know you understand it. Thank you πŸ™‚

  9. Hi Elm, sorry I’m new to this whole blogging thing but you commented on my post which led to me falling down a slippery slope of reading all your posts haha. I’m sorry to hear about your sucky day. First of all, I feel you on the piano thing. I play violin, have been for years now, and while I love violin, I hate the class I take every day. (wow count the commas I used in that sentence). And with the other things, I’m sorry I can’t relate because I have never had a person like Ash because I never put myself out there open to feeling that way to someone. So maybe I’ll offer food for thought. You now are saying you’re losing him as a friend…but don’t forget how he made you feel. Even if he’s going away, think of how he’s made you feel and how he’s making you feel. You feel it? That is proof that you are a living breathing human: capable of feelings and capable of heartbreak and capable of surviving. And that is a beautiful thing. So, even though it hurts now, allow these feelings to run through your veins. And just think how much better and stronger you’ll be when the situation calms itself down.
    That’s all I had lol. Stay strong!

    • Thank you so, so much. Literally that means the bloody world. Your advice is the best. I guess on that day I felt so violent and angry that I couldn’t think straight. Ash has been a bastard, but he’s also been the best friend I’ve ever had. And all those feelings culminate into one big whirlpool, but it’s a whirlpool I can feel and control.
      Thank you for that comment. I needed it.
      Also, you didn’t have to read ALL my posts! πŸ™‚ Now I feel bad – there are so many of them. SORRY!

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