I’m used to having late night conversations with people. Holding my phone, listening to my breatheing, listening to my phone telling me what they’ve said to me. And absorbing everything and thinking, “What are they thinking?”
I’m stressed. Or I was, last night – still am, really, and I’m not happy as of NOW. I’ll be fine, though.
I talked to Birch about myself. And how we’d both changed, and how I needed to get a life. And he told me to not worry, and just live and to be happy, and “what did I tell you about worrying?” I don’t know if he got it. I know Ash would have but Birch isn’t Ash and I need to remember that. Birch won’t reassure me – or he might. Ash would have talked it through with me but Birch was up-front and I don’t know which one I want and I don’t know which one I wanted.
He adds humour to it. He always does, which helps I guess.
I was caught in that realm where you could go to sleep at any time, but you keep yourself awake because you want to talk. You want to think. You want to hang in this moment, holding your breath and just feeling your surroundings press into you. Thinking, thinking – you know?
I’m not making any sense.
Birch will be in history tomorrow. I’m scared. I need to take his advice and go with the flow, but how can I?
I don’t like how I am. I’m too serious. I’m too paranoid. But then again people bring out different sides in me.
Ash and Birch are so opposite yet so similar to me. I don’t know what to do. I can’t NOT think.
He asked about the homework too. But then we REALLY talked and it reminded me so much of the Ash situation but there wasn’t any pain that usually comes with a reminder. I don’t think I was trying to replicate it.
I miss that so much it hurts.
Oh god. I have a physics test tomorrow and I’m going to fail it. I’m going to fail so much. I can’t.
I need to get a life and stop moping because it’s stupid.
This isn’t a sad post. I’m not sad. I’m just confused and frustrated and I don’t know what I want.
Sometimes I want to let all my inhibitions go and laugh and smile and just fucking live. But sometimes I need my serious side. Sometimes I just want to have a connection with someone such as I had with Ash where I can tell them anything and they’ll listen and they’ll actually care and they’ll know how to handle me and I don’t have that I don’t
I need to go do something. Don’t know what but I’m running round in circles trying to think.