Breatheing in the Dark and Thinking, “Am I Happy?”

I’m used to having late night conversations with people. Holding my phone, listening to my breatheing, listening to my phone telling me what they’ve said to me. And absorbing everything and thinking, “What are they thinking?”

First it was Ash, and now it’s Birch.

I’m stressed. Or I was, last night – still am, really, and I’m not happy as of NOW. I’ll be fine, though.

I talked to Birch about myself. And how we’d both changed, and how I needed to get a life. And he told me to not worry, and just live and to be happy, and “what did I tell you about worrying?” I don’t know if he got it. I know Ash would have but Birch isn’t Ash and I need to remember that. Birch won’t reassure me – or he might. Ash would have talked it through with me but Birch was up-front and I don’t know which one I want and I don’t know which one I wanted.

He adds humour to it. He always does, which helps I guess.

I was caught in that realm where you could go to sleep at any time, but you keep yourself awake because you want to talk. You want to think. You want to hang in this moment, holding your breath and just feeling your surroundings press into you. Thinking, thinking – you know?

I’m not making any sense.

Birch will be in history tomorrow. I’m scared. I need to take his advice and go with the flow, but how can I?

I don’t like how I am. I’m too serious. I’m too paranoid. But then again people bring out different sides in me.

Ash and Birch are so opposite yet so similar to me. I don’t know what to do. I can’t NOT think.

He asked about the homework too. But then we REALLY talked and it reminded me so much of the Ash situation but there wasn’t any pain that usually comes with a reminder. I don’t think I was trying to replicate it.

I miss that so much it hurts.

Oh god. I have a physics test tomorrow and I’m going to fail it. I’m going to fail so much. I can’t.

I need to get a life and stop moping because it’s stupid.

Ugh.

This isn’t a sad post. I’m not sad. I’m just confused and frustrated and I don’t know what I want.

Sometimes I want to let all my inhibitions go and laugh and smile and just fucking live. But sometimes I need my serious side. Sometimes I just want to have a connection with someone such as I had with Ash where I can tell them anything and they’ll listen and they’ll actually care and they’ll know how to handle me and I don’t have that I don’t

I need to go do something. Don’t know what but I’m running round in circles trying to think.

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33 thoughts on “Breatheing in the Dark and Thinking, “Am I Happy?”

  1. If you wanna live, then live. Don’t let yourself stand in your way or you’ll regret it later. Sometimes you gotta stop and write all your thoughts down in whatever form. Then you go on. It’s hard at first because people tend to look back a lot and see what they’ve missed. What happens then is that we miss the opportuinities that lie before us. And then we look back again and the cycle goes on. Ronnie James Dio once put it like this:
    “Don’t look behind
    Cause a tear that never dies
    Can only make you blind”
    There is so much truth to this. So go on and get that life you wanna get. Nobody’s gonna stop you but your own thoughts. And you can certainly deal with those. Of this, I’m pretty sure. Good luck!

  2. Elm, don’t stress so. You will have plenty of time soon enough to worry with such things when you’re a “responsible adult” aka paying bills and not carefree. Here’s a quote that’s helping me right now “When people walk away from you let them go. Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you and it doesn’t mean they are bad people. It just means that their part in your story is over.” I believe things will be as they are meant to be when they are meant to be, so for now just enjoy getting to know Birch and whoever else comes along and have fun being 15 without worrying about how you’ll feel or where it will go tomorrow or 6 months/years from now. It will go so quickly, enjoy it while you have it. Hugs.

  3. I think you can allow yourself to just not know right now. It’s living and it’s a beautiful chaotic mess you have yourself in. Whatever it is, I just hope you find the one who doesn’t just Marvel at the splendid picture you paint, but gets why you painted it, and what you are feeling. And maybe it’s ok if you don’t find that one yet. Maybe, this is suppose to happen for now. Maybe, you are suppose to just play in your muddy mess and enjoy the wait.

    • You put things so beautifully πŸ™‚ Thank you. I guess this whole thing has made me realise that. I’m seeing him today and perhaps that’ll put some perspective into things. It’s just difficult to go back to… These “little” feelings after having such powerful feelings for Ash.

  4. You obviously really miss you and Ash together, and he and Birch are very different. But each of them kind of has bits that work. Like Ash talks you through things and gives you advice, while Birch tries to get you to relax a little and adds humour. I think you’ll need them at different times, but I do realise you and Ash aren’t as close any more which I think is quite unfortunate and I miss you two. I really hope things work out and you can find some peace because you deserve it. πŸ™‚

    • Thank you πŸ™‚ I’m literally just sick of everything being so confusing and everything going wrong. I guess that’s… Selfish or something, but oh well.
      It hurts, not being able to talk to Ash. Like it literally hurts.

      • You’re not selfish! It’s not a bad thing to want to understand why everything is happening, or to want some good fortune. And I’m really sorry about Ash, I really am. Supporting you all the way. xx

  5. Aw I hope you soon understand what you can do! πŸ™‚ Oh hey, in case you don’t see it, I nominated you for the quote lover challenge. I just really like your blog and would be interested to see what you shared! You have do three posts, where you share a quote you love for three consecutive days. And don’t forget to nominate three other people! If you don’t want to, feel free to decline.
    Have a great day! Em x

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