Oh my God I’m a Train Wreck I Can’t

(Horrible painful post coming up. You’ve been warned)

Look. I know that people are going to try and tell me I’m not all the things I’m about to say I am. I know but it’s got to the point now where I don’t even care about myself.

I don’t know where this has stemmed from, but… Here we go.

It’s hilarious how I fail at everything.

I fail at being a nice person. I fail at helping people. I fail at accepting when people leave me. I fail at reining in my personality and I fail at preventing myself from looking for attention.

Birch is using me for homework. He doesn’t care about me. And I can’t believe I thought anything would work out because I’m too different and too serious and too just too ANYTHING. Mixed signals make me feel sick.

Cedar is a bastard and he doesn’t understand me; it’s nice to get caught up in the moment but REALLY! Grow the fuck up

And Ash. Ash hurts like the fucking hells. Whatever.

I should hate him. I shouldn’t care. He’s done nothing but ignore me for ages and I CAN’T forgive him for that, but I’m scared I’m missing something. There is something wrong with my reaction to all this.

I need somebody I need SOMEONE. I don’t know! I hate this all sometimes, I’m an overdramatic mood-switching attention-whore grudge-holding bitch.

I have no energy left.

My friendship group has shifted so drastically and I can’t deal with it. I get flashbacks of how things used to be sometimes and it hurts. I never, ever make an effort to make new friends or get to know anyone and I’m so judgemental and this shouldn’t bother me but why does it bother me? I’ve turned into a superficial idiot.

I remember conversations I had with Ash and it hurts worse and I can’t talk to anyone about it because I’ve said it all before and there’s no point. I don’t even know what I’m saying any more. It’s so numb and I don’t know what to do.

I don’t want to say, “Why does this always happen?” because that’s not fair, and it’s not true. It doesn’t. I don’t want to be selfish, anyway.

IS it selfish to want someone? What am I even saying!

That was awful I’m so sorry I fuck up everyone’s day because I’m a moody twat. I just need to be cheerful, hey maybe that’s why no one I EVER fancy would like me back, because I’m too serious

I’m going to go and read blogs. I’m an idiot; this is the worst post I have ever written. I’m sorry.

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74 thoughts on “Oh my God I’m a Train Wreck I Can’t

  1. Hey, don’t be sorry. It sucks you feel this way and I wish I could give you the biggest hug! From what I’ve read you’re an amazing person, who just happens to meet shitty people. But you’ve still got amazing friends, and you’ve got us. Random strangers who truly care about how you feel, and I think that proves more than anything that you’re wonderful. I hope everything works out for you x

    • I don’t know I just feel so so so shit right now and it suddenly just came over me, well I had a crap day and then everything just crashed, but thank you so much you’re amazing πŸ™‚

  2. There’s absolutely no reason why you should believe those things about yourself, absolutely no reason you should apologize. But, I understand exactly why you would. It’s hard and it hurts, and of course naturally you start to feel like it’s something wrong with you. It’s not. You’re amazing and talented and hilarious and nice and just every good thing a person could possibly be. So, it’s okay to feel how you do sometimes. But, you just need to remember how great you are despite all of this.

  3. Dear Elm, hugs to you! Stop beating yourself up. “They” say write about what you know, and now you know teen love, moodiness, crazy, giddy…. It’s what you’re feeling and it’s always better to write about it and get it out. No worries that you are offending. I already told you I’m not so secretly stalking you as an example as to why Peanut acts the way she does. Ha! Seriously don’t apologize, we choose to read whatever you write for a reason. Sometimes I get it, sometimes I don’t but I still enjoy your writing. Remember you can always set it as private so no one will read it. But you do say in your about that the blog is nonsense, so we are already well aware of the mashed up thoughts you have! πŸ™‚ Just be Elm. πŸ™‚

  4. Hey. Hey. Stop being silly. Honestly, those guys don’t deserve you if they’re going to be twats to you; you’ll find there are tons other that will like you so much more. And you made it through today; you can make it through the rest, and come out of it stronger because of it.

  5. Well it just seems we’re all having pretty shitty times with friends lately huh? But nah, it’s not selfish to want someone or something. I’m kind of like that a lot and I think it’s selfish to think that but at the end of the day, it’s just being a basic human that makes you act like that. We all do it every once in a while

  6. We’re humans: we feel, we want, we need. And not having the one that is meant for you by your side fek’n sucks; I hated that feeling. You shouldn’t feel like an idiot for something that is so strongly a part of who we are as humans. I had to look outside of my world to find the one for me. And it took years until I even found him. It didn’t happen the way I had thought it would and I never even expected it, but I’m glad it happened. Also, I’m always serious about things. It puts a damper on my husband’s playful mindset at times and I see it but I can’t help but be in serious-mode. It’s who I am and he’s accepted that. Though now I have to forcefully balance the seriousness/stressing with relaxing/stop-thinking. Because I had no balance of it growing up I never gave my mind and body a break which allowed the health condition I’m going through to develop. All the stress I put on myself is [literally] destroying my insides slowly and has made trying to conceive a very difficult task. I know the only way for me to stop being so wound up is getting the heck out of this area and having a change of pace which is what I plan to do as soon as possible.

  7. Ok, first of all, take a deep breath. Now stop and take another one. And one more please. I could barely breathe reading your post! πŸ™‚ Now that you’re breathing again, I’d like you to remove the word fail from your vocabulary. I’ll spare you the text here in your comment section but you can read my thoughts on it here. http://bit.ly/1EzNrzn Also, what I see from where I sit is actually someone who is figuring out who she is, who she wants to be, who she doesn’t want to be and is acutely aware of the things she’d like to change. I don’t know about you, but that’s pretty damn impressive. My advice is not to keep churning and reheating up the past and eating it over and over again. Sh*t happened. You reacted a certain way. It’s over. You now know more about yourself than you knew before. You’re not a bad person. You are a person. You are growing, learning, loving, failing, trying, falling and getting back up again. That’s really the best any of us can do and I think you’re doing a great job at it. Hugs to you!

    • Thank you so so much. That comment literally means the world. You’re right but I guess everything just got to me in a massive explosion

      • It’s ok to explode once in awhile. It’s a part of the process but I think it’s what we do post-explosion that matters. I really do think we need to sit and really feel all these things to get through them. Sitting with it and acknowledging how crappy we feel is necessary as long as you are also willing to put it in a box when you’re done with it and pack it up and put it away. Until the next time it happens and we all go through it again. πŸ™‚

  8. Don’t be sorry – you can write any old shit on here. It’s your space. Also, you may be so selfish, or attention seeking (which I’m absolutely sure you’re not!) but you write a bloody good blog, so that’s one thing definitely going for you. xxxxxxxxx

  9. Every train crashes once in a while. We’re human, so that’s quite normal. The trick is to get back on the tracks. Not as a wreck though but still as yourself. If there are things you don’t like about you, change them. It’ll take time but it’ll work. Just concentrate on reassembling yourself. Once you’re put back together you can start cleaning up the debris. Still, you shouldn’t beat up yourself so hard. Not everything is your fault and thus you shouldn’t blame yourself for everything that goes wrong. Take some time for yourself, calm down. Whatever happenend is not the end of the world. It might feel like it but once you can see things from a different perspective you might realize that the end of one world is the beginning of another. Don’t let that chance get away from you and remember: You weren’t born to be perfect but to be awesome. And that’s what you definitely are πŸ™‚

  10. The thing about high school (not that I am a veteran, or even qualified to begin sentences with “the thing about high school…”) is that friendships are dynamic. No matter how hard you try, they will change, and not always for the better (I should know). Its not your fault. It isn’t. Its just the way things are–and you may not like it, because, well, it does fricking hurt, but it’s just one of those things. One of those screwed up, inexplicable things you eventually grow numb too–which, yes, is sad. But it’s not your fault. It’s just one of those things.
    And the other thing about high school is people are fickle–you think you know someone–but that’s kind of impossible because they’re probably figuring out who they are themselves, and the process can be long and during that they may be total jerks. Don’t let it get to you.
    You’re wonderful and eventually it’ll all stop mattering because you’ll find more meaningful, important things that make you feel happy and wonderful and not nearly as screwed up.

    • Thanks for your advice πŸ™‚ means a lot
      But NOW it hurts. I can’t think about the future because the present hurts too much and I can’t cope. I don’t know I just don’t want to have to get abandoned AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN because I were replaced by somebody else or because people was averse to my personality I hate it and that’s why I was so upset (still am) and angry at myself. It’s impossible NOT to hate myself because of it

      • Don’t be daft! You are among the most wonderful people I have ever known (if reading your thoughts and ideas and hopes on the blog counts as ‘knowing’ someone, which I think it sorta does) and I know it seems like something is wrong with you, but it is not. Things will be better in the morning, they always are. And these are your friends, even if it doesn’t seem like it right now, they’ll stick by you in the end–talking it out and laying it all out there, as scary as it seems, always helps–because for all you know, Ash could be wondering what happened with you two, too. And Birch–I’m sure whatever lead you to believe he doesn’t actually care, there’s more to it. And if there isn’t, he’s just a jerk (a stupid one too) who doesn’t deserve to be given any thought to. Don’t base your opinions about yourself based on the superficial judgement of those around you

      • But I have to, it’s the only thing I’ve got. I just feel so awful I don’t even know sorry. Thank you for everything though, you’re amazing. πŸ™‚ I’m scared of talking to Ash because he won’t even reply to a simple hello. I’m seeing Birch tomorrow so we’ll see how that goes

  11. I can’t give you any poetic speech here, I wish i could but I’m terrible at giving advice.
    All I can say is that it’ll get better eventually and it’ll be summer soon so you’ll be away from it all for a bit and have time to breathe.

  12. You should never feel bad about being upset and no one should make you feel like you aren’t allowed to be upset either. It seems like you’re going through a lot and have a lot of emotions going through you. I guess that, feeling as if you have no one to talk to makes it feel more difficult to deal with. If blogging about everything -even if you don’t end up posting it- makes you feel better then, I mean, go for it. You have a lot of people who support and encourage you on here and I apologise because I write such long comments on your posts! *smile emoji here*

    • No no it’s fine, I really appreciate the comments. They mean so much. I dunno, I guess everything built up and smashed and I still feel like shit and I just feel lost, you know? It’s much easier to talk about it on here – it makes more sense when I write things down.

      • I get what you mean and, no matter how cliche it sounds, it will get better. (Sometimes you realise that it’s not worth worrying about, other times you sit and sort things out -it depends on who you are and what the situation is) You seem like a strong person so I’m sure that, no matter how many times these things knock you down, you’ll get back up (:

  13. As I have now technically “left” high school, sometimes it’s good to have a break from people and then start over. Once summer’s here you can do what you like, you can have some time to think things through and start over next year. I saw something on Facebook or Tumblr or something, which said something along the lines of “I was only friends with some people I knew at school because I saw them 5 days a week”. I don’t know how much that applies to you, but eventually you are going to meet new people who want to spend time with you for your own traits. Hope you feel better soon! And there is nothing wrong with being selfish every so often.

  14. Elm, my sorry excuse for a father left for another woman. So did 3 boyfriends, 1 I almost married and who is the blast from the past that made a donation and couldn’t keep his f’ing identity a secret and stirred it all up again, and the one I did marry so yeah I was done with men and their shitty ways. But then I met my 2nd husband, while out with ex mil ha! And he was so completely different from all of them that I fell hard. We have problems sure, but 17 years and 2 kids later I am still glad he’s my husband and I gave him a chance even with my history. I know he won’t cheat. So the point is, you can’t change the past but you can learn from it. “There will be many chapters in your life. Don’t get stuck in the one you’re in now.” Big hugs to you at 2:30 a.m. your time lol. You are awesome, you are worth it. Don’t listen to dumb boys.

  15. Maybe you don’t think so now but I’m saying this anyway. You’re not like what you said in this post. I’ve read a lot of your posts and I know youre not, youre an amazing human being πŸ™‚ These things are what people do and it’s normal, but as teenagers what we feel are amplified versions, which suck. (like, as if they don’t suck enough already) If you need to vent, vent. It’s OKAY to feel not okay. Talk with someone you can trust, or if you dont think you can, you can always blog about it here. Don’t feel sorry about this, it’s YOUR blog, and I appreciate everything you share. Hugs!

    • Thanks so so so much πŸ™‚ You’re right – or I HOPE you are. I just feel guilty whenever I blog about things like this because it’s so depressing.

      • It’s not depressing if it makes you feel better–even if just a little. Also when you post things like this we can help you feel better! πŸ™‚ (or, at least I hope I do)

  16. I’ve only been following you for a little bit, but I know you’re an amazing, fun, lively person, and it sucks what you’re going through right now! ❀ *Virtual hug* Life is tough, and even though it seems like everything and everyone hates you, it's not true, and there are people out there who love you for who you are. Also, soon enough it will be summer vacation, and you can escape from it all, so don't forget to look forward to that! πŸ˜‰

  17. Hey, you can make new friends: you found me, didn’t you? And don’t worry, all of this rubbish will just be mere memories in a years time. And don’t worry! You’re still young and you have your WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU to find the right person. Change can be a scary thing, but it can be amazing too.
    You’re amazing, and if they can’t see that then they don’t deserve you Sending you huge hugs via cyberspace ❀

  18. It gets better πŸ™‚
    And after a point you’ll realize it doesn’t matter.
    Because if people want to stay in your lives, they will. It shouldn’t always be you making an effort without the other person even acknowledging it.
    Also, shit happens to the best people but that’s why they’re the best; because they rise up from all that and become even stronger.
    I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep walking until you get there and since you’re one of the most amazing people I know here, I know it’s going to get better for you πŸ™‚

    • Thank you so much πŸ™‚ Your comments mean so much. You’re right – I KNOW it will get better – but it’s just hard, right now.

      • I get it πŸ™‚
        I haven’t been in the same situation because well.. I happen to friendzone every guy or every guy I like ends up friendzoning me but I know it doesn’t get better in a day.
        Because if it did, then life would be waay to easy! πŸ˜›

  19. There are always days when a person says they have had enough. That was not a bad post, posting how you feel and getting that out there is a good thing. So much better than keeping it in and letting it simmer until you burst. Just remember, open your eyes, its a new day.

  20. Hey, Elm!
    I’m sorry that I’m a bit late to reading this, but I really really hope that you’re feeling better now!

    I’m always here if you want a good moan as well

    Sending lots of hugs your way! ❀️

    Elly xxx

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