Oh my god just STOP!

I’m REALLY pissed off with myself at the moment.

Why?

Because I feel like shite. AGAIN. And WOW, I was trying to hold onto that happy feeling. Sigh. I’m a mess.

Have a listen to this song. It describes my feelings quite well – the first verse and chorus, really.

It’s stupid, why I’m sad. It’s because – well, remember that History trip to Ypres I talked about a lot?

It might be cancelled. Because of the strikes in the eurotunnel, and the heat, and…

And I can’t deal with it.

It’s the one thing I’ve been looking forward to all year. It’s the one chance I had to actually have something with me and Birch.

I never had a chance anyway. I never do, and I… I need to face that.

I don’t know why this is upsetting me so much. But as the song says: “I’ve been denying this feeling of hopelessness in me.”

And it’s true.

Ash memories are coming back. Good ones – happy ones – and sad ones. Funny ones and angry ones. It SHOULDN’T. I’m trying to forget about him.

But Birch would never like me. I’m unlikeable, like that. I just am. And plus I’m not like other girls like I’m not as pretty as them and shit, and THAT SHOULDN’T EVEN BOTHER ME! I’m being so superficial. It’s horrible.

And the summer’s coming, and people’s feelings fade over the summer, it’s happened before and I don’t Want it to, I CAN’T have that, I CAN’T! I want something to go right, I am getting worked up, I can’t do this what the hell I’m blowing things out of proportion

Fucking hell, Elm, breathe.

I just feel small and shit and angry and sad and upset and confused and panicked. And I HATE these memories, and I hate the fact that I’m miserable at the history trip being canceled, and the fact that Birch would never like me, and the fact that I’m superficial, and the fact that I feel like I need someone.

I give the fuck up. I’ll probably be happy tomorrow but I feel so, so awful, and I don’t want it to be canceled because when we go to Belgium I’ll be free and I can act myself and I won’t be tied down by everything and I would be happy. I want that. I just literally feel like crying because it’s all got too much and I want happy memories so badly, I NEED them.

I don’t have words for this.

I’m sorry. I hate making people read this.

It’s weird because I hate writing this, too. I’ve got into the mentality AGAIN that no one cares and every single person is sick of reading this, and I don’t blame you.

I’m done.

I’m done with posting this. I’m done with myself. I’m done with my stupid mind and EVERYTHING.

I’m not going to do anything. Too scared. People notice and that’s what stops me.

Calm.

One more thing. If ONE more thing goes wrong, I swear to god I will snap.

Shit.

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27 thoughts on “Oh my god just STOP!

  1. Honestly you shouldn’t hate people reading this – it is how you express yourself πŸ™‚
    And remember “happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness” it will get better I promise :3

  2. Right Elm, breathe. Giving up is the worst you can do because you are exactly the opposite of how you describe yourself. How can someone NOT like you? You’re such a nice girl. I wish I’d known someone like you back in school because you’re not like everyone else. Damn, ask Birch for a date. Feelings shouldn’t know borders. You won’t feel different about him in Belgium. You might feel more, but it’s still the same feeling. Ask him, he can’t say more than no. But he won’t. Cause he might see the person you are, the one you don’t see (yet). That awesome and beautiful girl that you are. Cheer up and good luck!

    • Thank you. I don’t know I just feel so so so awful like I hardly EVER feel so bad and Im scared of rejection and everything

      • We’re all scared of being rejected because we strive for acceptance. Still, we have to learn to deal with both, one being easier than the other. If he says no, it’ll feel like the end of the world. But it isn’t. You should keep that in mind. Worlds can be rebuild, always. Although it takes time. Maybe you’re also scared of feeling THAT bad. Don’t worry, it’ll go away. And feelings just vanish over summer because we let them. Ask Birch. Don’t be afraid. As I said, it might hurt, but it’ll pass. La Dispute wrote in one of their songs “If I can’t love you as a lover, I will love you as a friend.” There’s always an alternative if you can accept it. (I hope that quote makes sense)

  3. I don’t know (why do so many of my comments include these 3 words?) whether this is something you want to hear -so I won’t take offence if you ignore it- but maybe you need to take some time for yourself. Some time to, as you mentioned, let go and be yourself without having to think of all the drama. The summer may actually allow you to step back from it all and return with a fresh outlook on it all.
    Plus, you don’t force people to read what you write so don’t feel bad for talking about your feelings -you’re human! (:

    • You’re right. It’s just so difficult to remember to do that when I care SO much about everything, and everyone, and I don’t know (I say those three words too as well!) I just view it as a weakness?

      • It’s definitely not a weakness to care about things and people. You just need some time to be able to step away from it all -so hopefully the holidays come around quickly. (:

  4. Elm, I’m sorry to say but the memories won’t go away in Belgium. BUT, being with a new mix of people might help you to make fresh, proper friendships that you can be more sure of. If you have feelings for Birch and they won’t go away, I think that’s saying something and you should stop bottling up your feelings and tell him or ask him out or something. And you can’t give up on everything because just from reading some of your other posts anyone can tell you don’t just cave in like that, and you’ve been persisting for a long time. And you also can’t give up with posting because I love your blog.

    • Thank you, Luna. I don’t know. I’m terrified – and I mean TERRIFIED – of rejection and there’s a good reason for that. But there’s no way I’m giving up on blogging, because I need the support and this is just such a good outlet for me.

  5. elm, I know the feeling like so much crap gos wrong that you just can’t anymore but things will get better you’re just going through a rough patch I might not know all that much but I do know that for there to be a rainbow there has to be rain first this is something a dear friend once told me…things will get better and it’ll be ok πŸ™‚

  6. Elm, I’m not going to tell you it will be okay because honestly, I hate it when people say that to me. It just makes me even more pissed off.

    But I am going to say that by just looking at these comments, you have so many supporters reaching out to you. People care about you and they haven’t even met you! That’s got to say something about your personality. πŸ™‚

    And as for your going on summer holidays issue, SOMETIMES absence makes the heart grow fonder. I’m not saying it will, I’m just saying maybe.

    Highschool doesn’t last forever and neither does the drama that comes with it.

    Until it ends, I and every other follower you have are going to be here to support you! So please don’t feel guilty about writing these posts. This is what a blog is for x

    • You’re right πŸ™‚ Thank you for that. That means a hell of a lot. I DO have support, SO much of it – I guess that just smashes out of my mind when I get in one of my ‘moods’. But you’re all amazing.

  7. It does seem like it’s hopeless to hope or to want things some times, I know. Trust me. But you just have to “live life in the present”, to quote my recent prose. You shouldn’t feel bad for posting this: this is how you express yourself and let your voice be heard. Let your feelings out. And don’t ever think that you’re not pretty enough or adequate for someone; if there’s one thing I know about people β€” and I don’t know much β€” it’s that they will surprise you with their interests and what they like. Hell, you even surprise yourself, sometimes. Keep your head up, friend.

    • Thank you very much. I’ll try. It’s just difficult, you know? I hate feeling inadequate and I hate feeling shitty as well.

      • I know what that’s like. It’s a horrible feeling, and it is hard. You just have to keep on trying, even though it’s hard, and it sucks sometimes 😦

  8. I realize I legitimately have no right to give advice, but I do hope you feel better because I can relate. My life is practically encompassed of a battle between me, myself, and I but I wouldn’t want anyone else to go through that pain. My problems are rarely focused on emotion (due to my hate for the latter) but unfortunately, I do still possess them and they must come out sometime. Damn I went from an attempted therapy session to nothing, so I apologize for that. Ahem, yes, back to topic. So yes, Elm I hope you get things sorted out, I know how hard it can be, and if you ever need another healthy dose of misanthropic thoughts (no one usually does), I’m here.

  9. Sorry this is really late but I just wanted to say this… (it is also a teen wolf reference that I keep close to my heart) “regression to the mean” this means that no matter how bad things may become, things will stop being all bad and revert to a more neutral place eventually. Sorry if this doesn’t make any sense but I just use this to try and sort out things in my life. If you want to talk I am here for you. Please remember that. Stay Strong πŸ™‚

    • Thank you so much πŸ™‚ You’ve always been there for me and I seriously appreciate it. I’ll try to stay strong, as best I can.

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