I’ve Snapped

Trip to Belgium was canceled. And if you don’t get that, look on previous posts in the Birch situation.

I’m done.

I don’t care any more.

The one chance I had, gone. Fucking GONE. Like that.

I DARED to hope. Nothing ever goes right when I hope for it. Ever. Shouldn’t have expected any different.

People are disappointed because they’ve been looking forward to it all year. But I’m upset because this was my ONE break. From everything. This was the ONE time I could be happy with Birch and have a chance and no I can’t

Because I never have a chance anyway. Ever. No point in thinking otherwise.

Why am I writing this? Never gets me anywhere. It’s just a stupid, pathetic cry for help and that’s all I am.

When I found out I walked out after assembly and this awful girl Daisy was there and she was talking about the fact that it was canceled. I was so upset at that point that I just started swearing – I don’t remember what I said. Something along the lines of “I don’t fucking care any more fuck it I DON’T FUCKING CARE!” Then, she asked me to stop swearing and I snapped, completely, like I never have before at anyone.

I screamed at her to just stop it, stop it, and she yelled “What the FUCK Elm!”

She didn’t get it. Now everyone probably thinks I’m upset – “aww she’s crying because the history trip was canceled!” NO! No, it’s not that. You don’t get it!

Had a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe. I just kept on crying and crying and nearly screaming “I CAN’T BREATHE!” and freaking out and trying to get the tears away and it didn’t work and I always make a scene because I’m such a dramatic bitch.

Friend Pine was there, like she always is, and she said she wouldn’t know what she would do without me. She was so amazing and I think she was panicked but she helped me. I needed her and I was just so awful, and I don’t appreciate her. I just kept crying instead of saying thank you.

It hurts. I never have anything, because of my personality and I act like everything’s always awful and when I want something I become like a psycho and I’m scared

I had English after that. All through the lesson I was scared and shaking. I went to the toilet to calm. Wren was there and she helped me but I acted like a freak again and all I could do was cry and break down and NOTHING, I just feel pathetic.

Wren saw what I did to my hands and she asked me “What have you done?” and I just sobbed and said “I can’t I don’t know” I’m fucking stupid stupid stupid STUPID STUPID.

It wasn’t that bad, just scratches and why am I saying this, now everyone will think I’m a fucking coward stupid twat, and they’re right.

FUCKING MORON

JUST GO AND FUCK YOURSELF

YOU’RE FUCKING Useless no no fuck

I can’t do this.

I can’t do anything I’m overdramatic and it’s awful and people will get tired of my whining and constant breakdowns and they want happy people I’m not happy Birch doesn’t want sadness then he doesn’t want me knew it

Pathetic.

Im done.

I hate everything fuck this. I’m past the breaking point and I have no idea what to do.

I hate posting this. I hate it. I just feel too small and scared and there’s no point to posting this and I sometimes HATE reading these posts so sorry.

This isn’t the end of the world. They’ve postponed it until after the summer.

But now I have nothing to look forward to, and I’m stressed and angry and sad and worthless and I shouldn’t even be posting this because RL people will see but I don’t care any more I don’t care!

I’m not going to do anything stupid but I’m scared I will because I’m too fragile and too upset I shouldn’t even be upset but I am. It’s stupid. It’s only a little thing but for me it’s a massive thing because I THOUGHT things would work. They never did before so why should they now?

Whatever feelings fade over the summer; if he had anything for me it would be gone by September. Deal with it you fucktard

Bye

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42 thoughts on “I’ve Snapped

  1. I’m so sorry 😦 As someone that’s had panic attacks since I was little, I know how awful they are and I wish I could give you a giant hug! As someone who has also self-harmed more than I’d like to admit, I can relate to what you’re feeling so much. You weren’t thinking straight, and you feel so overwhelmed and that’s okay. You’re completely entitled to be upset and to show that you’re upset. I think you need to rant about it and get your feelings out. But those feelings will pass soon I hope, and your friends will be there to support you. All the best honey x

    • But it just hurts so so much and I just get the urge to rip at myself and I don’t know why
      But thank you your support means a lot
      I just feel so awful I’ve never felt this “unstable” before apart from the Ash situation.

      • I understand. Try holding ice cubes in your hand and squeezing, it’ll hurt but won’t leave permanent scars. It’s a trick that helped me a lot. Or trying hitting a pillow? Just don’t hurt yourself because you’re beautiful and I don’t want to you to have those scars to remind you of all the bad times. And it’s not a problem at all! Things seem crap right now, but you know that things will get better- even if it doesn’t feel like it.

      • But I wanted something to happen I guess. And I just feel so so hopeless right now because after this I have nothing to look forward to at all before my piano exam which will probably send me off the edge again
        But thanks. I think I’ll try what you suggested. Wren made me rip up paper earlier and it helped and I’m scared the RL people who saw me freak completely will think I’m doing it for attention but I’m not I just couldn’t stop it

      • Maybe you could plan something? Obviously it won’t be the same, but maybe you could plan a day with your friends as something to look forward to?
        What other people think isn’t important, don’t worry about them (I know that’s tough).
        I really hope things work out for you!

  2. Hey Elm. Reading this made me sad, but somehow, I think nothing is as bad we so many times imagine it is in our heads. Believe me, I`ve been there too. I`ve been hoping for it SO DAMN MUCH and then it wouldn`t happen and I`d start crying. But everything happens for a reason. If you didn`t go NOW, it means it was meant to be that way FOR NOW. It`s not like the trip to Belgium is NEVER EVER going to happen, woman. [: If you`re going to loose hope now, then I don`t see how you`ll cope with other, way more worse things. . And oh, you believe this was your only chance with Birch? Please. Let me tell you something. The whole summer-makes-feelings-fade-away-thing is nothing but BULLSHIT. If Birch loves you, a summer can fade away what he feels for you. A trip to Beligum won`t change anything. If you don`t dare to tell him how you feel where you are right now, what will you do in Belgium? Just some thoughts to think through. Never hurt yourself, beautiful. Please take care of yourself. You`re NEVER ALONE. πŸ™‚

    • I can’t not when everything FEELS like it’s gone to Hell. Yeah, it hasn’t, but it feels like it. And yes. Feelings do fade over the summer. It’s happened before. And Belgium – look, we have been building up to it for ages. We both knew we wanted to spend the day together. And we can’t now
      And I’m being overdramatic but I don’t care any more. I’ve just snapped. It’s got too much and I’m done and god knows what I’ll do when things actually get bad

      • Don`t you get it? It feels like hell, but it`s not hell.No, feelings don`t fade over the summer. That`s ridicilous to say. It might have happened before, but then, the love wasn`t pure, real and true enough. Doesn`t matter whether you`re in Belgium, Norway or Pakistan. You can always tell Birch how you feel. You can always spend a day together. Don`t tell me you can`t, because the whole world knows you can. I don`t really see what there isn`t to understand here. . I wish I could make you understand, but a person only understands what he or she wants to understand. A person thinks it`s too much, but then the exact same person goes on and go through a lot of more shit and find himself or herself surprised because it was earlier claimed everything has gotten too much. Go and tell Birch how you feel. Everyone`s telling you to do so, because we want the BEST for you. Boys are. . really complicated. I wish I could tell you how, but that doesn`t matter right now. You won`t regret it, trust me. If we all were scared, we`d be dead by now.

      • I’m really sorry about the way I put that other comment – my brain just isn’t taking in anything and I feel too overwhelmed. And I know you say that I’ll look on this later when I’ve gone through even more shit, but RIGHT NOW I can’t do anything.

      • Don`t be sorry, I understand how that can be. I, like so many other people here, just want to help you:) I know you fear rejection, all of us do, but you know, he might feel the same exact way, haha. . He might feel the same way, but doesn`t want to let you know because you might say no. And there you are, sillies, not wanting to say a word and letting life pass by. Think about it. One little step might be a big one. πŸ™‚

      • Honestly, I think I might tell him. Soon. Thank you so much for all your advice, it means a lot to me and I needed it πŸ™‚

      • Aww, hehe, I think we know some things at a time, but we just need someone to REMIND us, you know? Okay, now I`m so happy in your behalf! I really hope you tell him soon, and YOU BETTER let me know how it went, yeah?! I`m here for you, Elm. You`re lovely, never forget that. πŸ˜€

  3. I can understand you’re upset and your situation feels like the end of the world (or close to it). But it isn’t. It never is. It feels this way but feelings can change and you can do a lot about it. Take some time to deal with the fact you’re not going to Belgium and then invite Birch to spend a day with you. You don’t need to go to Belgium to tell him how you feel. If you really want him then no canceled field trip should stop you. We miss a lot of opportunities because we plan and think too much. Especially feelings and planning does not work together. Either you got them them now or never. And if you got them, hold on to them, show Birch how you feel and you’ll see that no summer can make them fade if both of you keep them alive. But therefore you need to tell him.
    And for the love of Christ, stop hurting yourself. I know you’re angry and that anger has to go somewhere. Hurting yourself is not the way. Yeah, you don’t care but at some point in the future you will care again and start hating yourself for what you’ve done to your hands. So find an appropriate outlet. There are so many.
    Wish you all the best!

    • I’ll try not to. It’s just an automatic reaction
      I can’t tell Birch how i feel because I’m scared of rejection to the point of paralysis and an inability to do anything

      • I undestand that, I really do. But what would you rather have: a clear no or forever living with the uncertainty? Never knowing if it could have been you making Birch happy. Rejection is hard to deal with but you’ll learn to accept it over time. Uncertainty is a perpetual torture.

      • Very true, which makes me want to tell him. Though, I don’t see the point in asking him, because it’s obvious he doesn’t like me like that.

      • But he can start to like you like that. You can make him like you like that. And nothing’s obvious. Guys like to hide their true feelings in public.
        Where’s the point in torturing yourself with uncertainty?

      • I’m so used to it that it’s ingrained in me. I can’t help it. Telling him isn’t easy. I have an automatic fear of rejection that won’t go away. Oh, I’d LIKE to tell him, but I can’t just walk up to him and say how I feel as much as I want to

      • Is your fear worth the torment? When you walk down that road of fear of being rejected, try to find new ways or you’ll always end up at the same dead end. No one wants you to walk up to him and tell him. That’s why you have to spend some time with him. You’ll feel how he feels about you and vice versa. And there comes a moment when it’ll feel natural to tell him. Or maybe he’ll tell you. The thing is, you have to overcome your fear one step at a time. It’s hard but someday it’ll be worth the effort.

  4. Hey, so I haven’t known you for very long and already I feel like I know you enough to be sad when you’re sad, and I completely understand what you’re going through – I have dreamed up situations in my head wayy too much and then when they inevitably don’t turn out how I wanted them to then I feel like crap. But if Birch really has feelings for you, they won’t go away over the summer. And if you think they will, then take the bull by the horns! Ask him out, and if it goes wrong then he will have forgotten about it by the end of the summer. Remember, the worst he can say is no πŸ™‚
    P.S. Sending you massive hugs through cyberspace, it’s okay, you’re not alone :3 xx

  5. Noooo I didn’t think it would be! Still regards you and Birch, I would try not to give up hope – keep acting normally, maybe suggest meeting up over the summer? The rest of it…I don’t really know what to say, but just keep going. Tomorrow will be better, but for now curl up with your favourite food and do something you love. Sending lots of ❀

  6. This is when I wish I could be closer to give a motherly or older sisterly hug… I’m sat here feeling for you Elm… (((Hugs)))

  7. Hi! I wanted to let you know that I’ve nominated you for the Liebster Award. If you’ll check out my latest post, it has all of the questions and stuff that you need to answer. Have a great day! (:

  8. This is completely morbid and inconsiderate of me to say, but I’m going to anyway because I’ve screwed everything else in my life up, what’s one more: that was fascinating to read. Moving past that, I have three points. Ready? I hope so.
    1) The trip was cancelled, but as you stated, it’s not the end of the world. Maybe ask Birch to come over and you guys can hang out? Once you’ve calmed down a bit, and your amygdala has ceased to overreact and cloud your judgement, you can think of someway you guys can meet up and it will work out after all. Maybe think before you go to sleep. It helps me at least. That’s when my brain is practically pacified. Or for some people, that time is in the morning. Whatever works for you.
    2) Don’t hate on yourself. I do it to myself all the time, so that may seem hypocritical, but it isn’t, because I do it to myself in a precise way where I end up pointing out my specific flaws and at least slightly improving myself (though there’s still a long way to go) and you don’t deserve that. I don’t know you as well as I’d like to, but you seem worlds away from someone who should go fuck themselves.
    3) Relax. Do something you enjoy, like reading, eating, taking a shower, watching a movie, taking walks, or just crash and sleep through the whole damn thing. Whatever it is, just do it and relax and stop thinking for a while and let your brain float to a better place before you bring it back a while later and actually sort things out rationally.
    4) This won’t matter in the long run. As much as I hate to say it, it’s true. You probably will barely remember this when you’re thirty, so maybe keeping that in mind will help put things in perspective.
    I don’t know. That’s all the advice I have, and by no means should you feel obligated to take or follow it. I feel like this whole comment was harsh (as practically everything I say is), so I apologize in advance. Whatever you choose to do, I wish you the best Elm. And again, I’m sitting here waiting for friends, so holla if you need a botha (that made no sense, but just go with it for my sake).
    -Thalia

    • You know, you’re so amazing. Thanks you SO SO much. I think that whole comment has just made me feel a LOT better. I’m going to see how things go today in History. But seriously, thank you for EVERYTHING. For your advice – which isn’t bad; it’s amazing – and for just being here. You may not know me but you can understand me. Thank you.

      • Really? I’m very glad I could help. You’re most welcome. Good luck in history then, and I’m glad there’s at least someone out there I can understand.

  9. Oh my god Elm. I’m so sorry, but I just don’t know what to say. I can’t tell you it’s going to be fine because I can’t be sure of that, and I’d be lying if I said I was sure, but what I’m sure of is that you’re an amazing person and people look up to you. I’m sorry for your trip, it must’ve meant a bloody lot. I love you. And so does everyone here who bothered to comment.

    • You’re so amazing πŸ™‚ I love you too. Thank you so, so much for everything. It did mean a lot to me, and History today wasn’t too good either. But I’ll manage.

  10. Elm, I am so sorry about everything. I haven’t had experiences like this before so I don’t really understand it properly but I hope things will get better for you. And please remember all of us love you. πŸ™‚

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