My ‘Rejection’ Story

This is a long post, but I NEED to write it. I’m sorry.

I’m very glad I didn’t write this post straight away, mainly because at the time I was running on high emotion. I nearly scrapped this idea, but I might as well write it all down. It’s time I did.

I’m going to tell you a story. It’s something that has affected me EVER since it happened, in ways I know and ways I don’t. Put it this way, it fucked me over for a long time and some of the pain still remains, I guess.

I’ve been in two relationships. The second… That deserves a post of it’s own. But after it ended, I was pretty upset. To be honest, I shouldn’t have been, but I liked the guy – even if breaking up with me was what he had to do and I fully accepted – and even was glad – for that.

After that happened, he left our group, which hurt MUCH more. I get it now – oh for fuck’s sake, let’s go on a little meander.

He broke up with me because he was gay. I have NO issue with that, but what really cut me up was how he left our group. Hated him for 7 months, then I got over myself, and I SUPPOSE we’re friends? Nah, but we talk. Sometimes. I was also upset because he didn’t tell me directly, but I don’t want to go into that yet.

Point is, I’d just had my heart broken. And WHENEVER that happens, I ‘rebound’.

Okay. Say you’re running at a wall, and there’s NOTHING you can do to stop yourself from smashing into it. It might take longer, sometimes, but it’s inevitable. You collide with the wall with such force that you bounce back, and the cycle continues – on and on and on and ON AND ON. That is what always happens.

I rebounded and latched onto somebody… Let’s call him Rowan. (Yes, I know I have another Rowan floating around somewhere in my blog, but they have the same RL name. This is the important Rowan).

Rowan is funny. Hilarious. Light. Carefree. THAT is why I latched onto him, I suppose. I needed somebody.

The infatuation lasted for about 6 or 7 months, until it all went wrong.

I look back on our Facebook messages and cringe. Or I DID – I’ll explain in a minute. We talked about homework. Schoolwork. NOTHING ELSE. And you know, I HONESTLY thought I had a chance! It makes me laugh now. Not scorn, but just in fond horror. There were nice memories in RL, of course, but barely any.

5 April 2014. It’s funny how I remember that. I had gone to Willow’s house – Pine was there too.

And we told him. Through Facebook.

Pine and I had been dropping hints for ages. AGES. It was quite pathetic, really. Juvenile. I think I’d just had enough, at that point. Pine asked this:

“Have you figured out who likes you yet?”

No reply. 20 minutes later:

“It’s Elm.”

No reply.

Ever.

I swear to God, I waited until the next day. It was so, so awful. I acted like I wasn’t bothered. In the morning, I sent him this:

“Oh shit, they told you didn’t they? Hate them sometimes… Crap.”

And yes. That is memorised.

I have never received a reply. He also blocked Pine (she’s unblocked now).

Doesn’t it seem trivial? I know.

But this is why I’m terrified. This is why I always asked Ash if he hated me. This is why when he said he didn’t want to be friends in Easter, right to me, I appreciated it. I THANKED him for telling me the truth. It hurt so, so much, but I needed the honesty. This is also why I’m so miserable right now, because Ash and I haven’t spoken, and it’s a tiny bit like Rowan ALL OVER again. This time, though, I have NO idea what Ash thinks of me. ENOUGH of that! Don’t need that right now.

This is why when I think about telling Birch, or even ASH, how I feel, I remember that. I remember the fear and the uncertainty and not wanting to face him at school, and being unable to cry about it and hating him. I don’t hate him now – I just couldn’t – but I still resent him for never, ever addressing the issue. Then again, neither did I.

I remember Wren telling me that she’d asked him, “Hey Rowan, you REALLY don’t like replying to messages, do you?” VERY pointedly.

I remember Wren telling me that he’d replied, “Look, she just wouldn’t leave me alone. I wanted her to stop messaging but she never did. I found her annoying.”

And THAT is where my fear stems from, guys. The need to know if people like me. The freak out when they don’t TELL me they hate me.

On 5 April 2015, I deleted all our conversations. I had no feeling of freedom once I’d done it, but there isn’t too much pain when I look back now.

It’s his birthday today.

For the first time in 1 year, 3 months, and one day, I contacted him. Just to say happy birthday.

We had a short conversation – VERY short – but still, I can tell we’ve both changed. I don’t think I like the changes in either of us, to be honest. Then again, I don’t know him any more; I never did.

I feel sad. Really sad. I often have memories of what COULD have been. I could never, ever love him; he’s a user and someone who is a bit of a plank, and I fully accept that. I fully accept my stupidity.

I just remember the past, and the days and weeks spent talking about him, THINKING about him.

It’s taught me things. It’s taught me to be more cautious, and more sensitive.

I know that it was a very long time ago, and the issues I still have should be gone by now. They aren’t, though. It may seem a tiny thing to you – I got rejected ONCE. That’s hardly grounds to be terrified of being rejected again. Sadly, for me, it is.

Many people have it MUCH worse than I do. I think, though, that I needed to feel the pain. I’m making it worse for myself right now, but I need to remind myself.

That is why I have an inability to ‘ask out’ anybody. Very stereotypical, but I’m too scared of being blanked, COMPLETELY ignored, like last time.

You learn something from EVERY experience you have. My advice to you is this: don’t not do something. That’s SO hypocritical of me to say, but like I said, you learn from everything. Even if it’s bad.

THAT was my pathetic excuse for “advice”. I’m getting worse at it.

Thank you for reading. Sorry about all that; I just needed to tell the FULL story for once.

From Elm

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47 thoughts on “My ‘Rejection’ Story

  1. Firstly, you don’t have to be with anyone right now, even if everyone else is in a relationship. It’s okay to be single for a while.
    Secondly, you have to follow your heart with these decisions. It’ll turn out right in the end πŸ™‚

  2. I wish I could tell you it gets better but I haven’t been in your situation so i wouldn’t know but all you have to do is put it all behind you and go on with your life because then I know it will eventually get through it. It might take awhile but you will get through it.

    • You’re right πŸ™‚ To be honest, I’m not upset about the SITUATION. I’m more upset that he never replied. I get that he must have been feeling awkward, but…

      • Well he seems like a right arsehole if he didn’t reply. I think you should just forget him. Think of it like this he was just a glitch in the programme (you) and eventually after a bit of tweaking (forgetting about him) it will be fixed!

      • Thanks I just made it up their and really you should stop wasting your time with him because he really is’nt worth it ! I mean he seems like a right douche for not even addressing the situation!

  3. Elm,
    You could be my younger self. 😦 Being rejected sucks no matter how many times it happens and yes it will impact quite a lot, maybe more than it should. And maybe you’ll never really get over it.

    My father told me he couldn’t relate to a teenage girl and walked out of my life. Unfortunately that has affected every relationship I’ve had since, and indirectly my children because I have seen him around when I was with them but I can’t bear to go up to him and have him pretend he doesn’t know me and then reject his grandchildren. So I pretend he’s dead. But see, I don’t trust easily now and he left so long ago! There is hope though Elm. I found a man that has accepted this fear and loves me fully, and has made me feel safe that he will never reject me or leave me unless I give him a reason to! I trust him 100% though at times the nasty voice in my head says he’s going to leave me too eventually. (we’ve been together almost 20 years) Not everything that happens is your fault Elm. It’s their loss if they choose to reject you. You don’t deserve to be treated rudely, especially for expressing yourself. Teen boys are stupid and only think of themselves. Someday they may be sorry they didn’t take the chance to know you. Hugs dear. Don’t apologize for what you do and write… we’re not going anywhere.

  4. I’m so sorry! I know how it feels to have someone not reply to you…ever and you just sit there heartbroken and don’t know what to do with yourself. But trust me, it moves on. HE is the immature boy who doesn’t know how to handle a situation like this. You’ll look back in a few years and think “what was I thinking?!” It will all work out. Just think of it as a “it wasn’t meant to be” type of thing, just means that there’s somebody out there way better for you and who WILL reply to each and every one of your messages πŸ™‚

  5. Well, you shouldn’t judge people from just reading about them but I’d say this Rowan guy is a coward. Telling him how you feel about him took a lot of courage and was an act of pure honesty. And all he does is practically run away without ever telling you why. You don’t deserve that. He did not deserve you. You’re a wonderful person and if he won’t see that he’s not worth to be in any of your thoughts.
    You might need confirmation if people like or hate you but you won’t get that from everybody. Maybe you shouldn’t ask for it because it might get people to thing they did not behave correctly towards you which they didn’t. I know these issues, I had and have them myself. But then I try to trust my instincts which, fortunately, are good concerning people. You should try to do that too. It’ll take time to develop such a sense and you’ll be wrong from time to time, but as you said, you can only learn from your mistakes. Being human does not follow a certain logic and that’s what you should try to accept.

    • You’re right πŸ™‚ I just second guess, all the time. Trusting MYSELF is a hell of a lot harder than trusting other people.

      • But how can you possibly fully trust others if you can’t trust yourself? You have to learn to do it. It’s not too difficult and when the shit hits the fan you have someone to rely on. Someone who knows you best, knows what you can do: you.

      • But I DON’T know myself best. That’s the problem. I’m too scared of myself to fully trust what I do.

      • I think you do, you just don’t know it. Or maybe you’re afraid of what you’ll discover. But you have to face yourself as much as you have to face others. The difference is you cannot walk away from you, never. So you either become your own best friend or your own worst enemy. And believe me, you don’t want yourself for an enemy because that can rip you apart. Get to know yourself. It might feel odd at first but someday you’ll be glad you did it because you can find your issues and resolve them.

  6. I think being rejected will always suck, no matter what the situation is. I personally think it’s one of my greatest fears, because I’m always so hooked up on making people happy, and I think I have an unhealthy need to please people… like, all the time. It’s normal to worry about rejection, because of the potential humiliation, but sometimes it’s better to risk it than to spend the rest of your life not knowing the truth.

  7. I’ve experienced something almost exactly like that. I liked a boy, he rejected me and I was crushed for months, but you get over it… It probably doesn’t seem like it now but it’s true. You will find someone amazing that will love you unconditionally. Remember, love comes when we least expect it. Stay strong hun ❀

  8. Yeah I understand, it must really suck and hurt to have someone purposely not reply. But it wasn’t you who handled the situation badly, it was HIM. He left you hanging without any closure and I feel sorry that you had to go through that kind of rejection. But honestly, he didn’t deserve you. He seems like a selfish coward to not reply simply because he’s unsure of what to do. YOU were he brave one. Thanks for the post. πŸ™‚

  9. Oh my goodness. So, you should know that prior to this, I had typed out a rather lengthy and rather eloquent comment in response to this post. But, my tablet decided it needed to have a little tantrum and so that comment is no more.. And, I have no hope of replicating it.. Anyway, the point I would like to make is that rejection sucks. I’ve been there, in pretty much the same situation. But, what I want you to understand is that you are absolutely fantastic and anyone would be lucky to have ya! So, one day you’ll find them. although it may not be today or anywhere near as soon as you’d like, they will come. and it will be magical. And then I’ll come to your wedding. Or whatever festive celebration you choose to have. Just make sure there’s cake, okay?
    You’re amazing.

  10. Alright well I’ve never been rejected (damn that sounded harsh), but then again I’ve never asked anyone out either. Consequently, I’m just a dormant piece of crap. But you’ve taken the chance, and taken the blow, and for that you should help yourself to at least some credit. One mistake isn’t the end of your life. But you see, through that mistake you’ve acclaimed an advantage over me, and others. You’ve been there, done that, and now you know not to go through that again. I can’t say you’ve gone through the worst that’s yet to come (because shit could be worse) but at least you’ve inched along the path of suffering, while I still sit here too panic stricken to move. Congratulations. You’re a bit wiser. And possibly stronger. That’s up to you to decide.

    Gosh I feel like I always ruin your posts. My apologies.

    • No, you make them better. I guess you’re right? I HAVE learned, specifically not to do that again. As for shit yet to come – haha yeah, I know πŸ˜€ But seriously. Thank you for that comment.

      • Really? *bows* I’m honored. Yeah, you may not fully realize or acknowledge it at this point due to the whole emotional factor (I’m guessing) but it’s definitely an addition to your empirical knowledge. Shit yet to come always makes me feel screwed xD It’s a pleasure.

  11. First off, van I just say that you are such a strong person for going through that and trying to help others still, even while you’re sad about it. You should applaud yourself.

    Secondly, guys can be such douche bags, and I understand if you want to crawl into a hole and not come out. But here’s the thing, if you feel its time, just remember that this is the only life you get. Just one. So mistakes are beautiful and Risks are sooooo amazing and I admire anyone who can put themselves out there because to regret what you did is way better than to wonder “what-if” for the rest of your life. I mean, if something goes wrong you know it wasn’t meant to be, but if you don’t try you have to live with the “what-ifs.”

    I get that you are scared, I do. I’m a very shy person and

  12. Sorry it cut me off, but anyway, I want you to know just being yourself is a risk you take everyday, and you do great! I just hope you find the courage to try again, and the person

  13. I think that, naturally, when something doesn’t turn out right, we look for what went wrong and, the next time, try to fix that. It makes sense that you fell for Rowan after you got hurt because maybe you needed to feel carefree for a while. It’s natural to be afraid of rejection but, like you said, “Don’t not do something”. If you felt that it was right to tell those people your feelings, that’s all that matters. I’m going to be cliche and say “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” because I truly believe that it does and it will for you (:

  14. The number of times this has happened to me. I absolutely hate it when someone won’t tell me that they don’t like me. I would rather know, so that I stop wasting my time, than have them continue on being “polite” ’til they just stop responding. My problem is I just like to know lots of stuff about people’s lives so for example if I’m texting someone who interests me, I just text and text and text. And then I feel like a bother. And then, what takes the cake is when they just stop responding. So I understand the struggle of not knowing whether someone dislikes you or not… And that sucks, what happened with Rowan and that really sucks what happened with Ash.

  15. Loved reading this. It reminds me of a few of my own stories and I’m so glad you shared it. Believe me, it all happens in life when you’re not looking for it! πŸ™‚ the thing you have to remember is not everyone is great at knowing what to say or do. If he were to reply, what would he say? “Look, elm, I’m so sorry but I just don’t like you in that way.” Having him say that to him may seem like more harmful, than actually saying nothing at all. Life is full of situations in love like this, and you should be prepared to face them! But the whole point of those situations is it helps you develop who you are as well as what you want in a relationship. Hope that helped! πŸ™‚ x

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