I Fricking Bit the Bullet

I told him.

Yes. I told Birch I had feelings for him. After my last post, I decided that I had enough.

So I told him. I messaged him, saying, “Can I tell you something?” Took me a lot of convincing to let myself send that message. And then, once he’d said yes, I told him.

In summary, he said that it wasn’t awkward and that it was completely fine. Then he said that he wasn’t into getting into a relationship with anyone for that matter.

He never outright said he DIDN’T like me like that, but I’m going with the assumption that he meant it in that way. It’s safer, and I can’t get my hopes up any more. I feel a LITTLE crushed, but to be honest, the fact that he TOLD me is a step up from what happened last time. I have to commend him for that.

Yeah. It’s only just hit me what I’ve done and now I feel a bit sick. It’s a VERY long time since I’ve been brave enough to admit how I felt about someone to them – in fact, I’ve NEVER said it outright to anyone before.

I gave myself a speech before pressing that ‘send’ button. In the middle of it, I pressed it to shut myself up, then freaked. I could feel my heart thumping and straight after I Skyped Red and just had a ‘What DID I JUST DO I CAN’T SPEAK’ moment.

I was terrified, but I’m glad I did it. I’ve never felt so sick and scared in my life, besides when telling Ash certain things about myself, but this time it was different. There wasn’t PAIN when Birch said no. Not much, anyway, but it was just a resigned sort of feeling.

Yes, I’m upset. Yes, I just want something to go right. But at the same time, I’m so glad I told him.

In other news, I just had the longest and most distressing conversation with my father I’ve had in a very long time. It involved me bawling my eyes out over the fact that my mother always makes me feel shit about myself. I think he must have been worried, because I rarely ever show that side of myself to him. About my mother – long story – I’ll explain, some other time.

I’m drained. My eyes feel heavy and I feel somewhat miserable. I got back from the concert and, after my mother left to go back there, I flipped out completely. Like I never have before. It was fucking terrifying. I’m SO glad I cried, though, because it was an outlet of emotion from the Birch thing, and from the concert thing, and I needed it.

I think I need sleep. This is just an update post, really; I’m not TOO sad. I just needed the closure.

Thanks so much for reading, and thank you also to every single one of you who supported me and commented on my last post. You are all fantastic.

From Elm πŸ™‚

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44 thoughts on “I Fricking Bit the Bullet

  1. It will all work out! (I know that’s such a cliche thing to say) BUT now that you have told him how you feel, you now have weight lifted off your shoulders right? And he said it wouldn’t be awkward so maybe in the future he will develop feelings like that and move forward with them? It will work out for the better and all fall into place πŸ™‚ Keep your head up and get some beauty rest πŸ˜›

  2. I have felt like that so many times but like you said you have to bite the bullet. Well done and great blog. As for your mom, she might not want you to end up like her (no offense) thats sometimes why most parents act like crap to their kids πŸ™‚

  3. You’re a wonderful person, I can already tell. You did the right thing telling him you like him. And things will always work out. Like my rollercoaster analogy in my Love and Friendships post πŸ™‚

  4. I’m glad you told him:) It took a lot of courage to tell him what you felt, something I’m sure I’d never be able to do. Now you probably feel a whole lot lighter. Things will work out xx

  5. You should be so proud of yourself for having the courage to tell him how you feel. You were brave and did the right thing. I agree with everyone, everything will work out how it is supposed to. I’m sorry you are going through a lot of emotions right now, but I am glad you are getting it out and off of your shoulders. – Gabriella

    • Thank you, Gabby πŸ™‚ That means a hell of a lot. I HOPE everything will work out; I’m going with the assumption that it WILL.

  6. Hugs dear Elm. That was very brave to tell him. I’m so sorry it didn’t go the way you wanted but now you know. He didn’t say WTF no at least. Please don’t hurt yourself any more. It will pass and get better.

    • You’re right πŸ™‚ And I won’t, it doesn’t solve ANYTHING. Also, thank you for all your advice you’ve given me πŸ™‚

  7. YAY ELM!!! You are so much braver than I could ever hope to be. I’m proud of you and I’m sure that either 1), you’ll move on fairly quickly, or 2), you’ll discover his REAL feelings for you and it will be quite blissful, because you are fantabulous and what guy in his right mind would NOT like you? Anyway, I’ll be beside you every step of the way ❀

  8. Congratulations on mustering up the courage to tell him! I’ve always been of the opinion that there’s no point to liking somebody if you can’t tell then how you feel–regardless of what they say, because they can’t take that away from you. But I am sorry it didn’t work out perfectly–would you like a chocolate?

  9. I seriously always hated that response.
    Being a boy I’ve had a lot of dejections and seriously, the best way to do is, “I don’t want to be in a relationship at all.”

  10. You did a really brave thing Elm! I can’t imagine doing the same thing haha. I’m sorry it didn’t work out, but I hope you feel at least a bit better now that you told him πŸ™‚ HERE’S A BIG HUG AND SOME ICE CREAM AND CHOCOLATE FROM ME TO YOU ❀ (unless you don't like chocolate and ice cream, then just change it to something you do like :))

  11. You were amazing, Elm! You did the right thing to get that off your shoulders and let him know, so now your frienship can continue more comfortably! You wer ereally brave and I commend you for that. *virtual hugs* πŸ™‚

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