Just Take Very Deep Breaths And-

I NEED to talk about love, right now, because I have nowhere else to say it.

It’s Birch‘s birthday today. If you don’t know who he is – long story short: sit next to him in history, had a rather large and irritating crush on him, told him two days before I went to France, got rejected in a way.

I don’t pretend to know much about love. I was, and would be if he talked to me again, genuinely in love with Ash. I don’t deny it; actually, I’m glad it happened.

It let me feel something. It showed me I COULD feel something. It caused me pain, but at least I had what I had with him.

But this one, with Birch, is hurting me.

There are occasions where I just want to let go. Like in France, I just… I didn’t act like myself in reference to “crushes”. I would have been disgusted with myself, but I’m not, because I WANTED to be like that for a week and a half, at least. I don’t WANT to take anything seriously after everything that’s happened because I WAS hurt by that rejection on the 17th, and the one the year and a half before, and every single thing that happened with Ash sends reminders to my brain and makes me feel miserable. Next year’s going to be so difficult.

But it’s Birch’s birthday. I miss the conversations we had, you know? I miss him, and sitting next to him because next year, we’ll most likely change seating plans and I will NOT get my hopes up.

I don’t know. I’m just sad, I suppose, with all the reminders coming in.

Occasionally, I also wish that somebody could see me for who I actually am – who I actually am, I won’t say. It’s almost like I want to have a serious relationship, but I really DON’T – not now, when everything’s so fresh; I just want something else and I don’t know.

Skyping bloggers yesterday and the day before helped so much, because it was nice, and hilarious, and I was talking with my actual voice and I forgot about everything for a few hours.

Why am I even sad? I don’t have a clue. It makes no sense, because I shouldn’t be sad. It’s just all built up, I think.

Sorry about this 😦 I’ve tried to stay happy these past weeks and it’s worked, apart from now.

Thank you SO much for reading. It means a lot.

From Elm πŸ™‚

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61 thoughts on “Just Take Very Deep Breaths And-

  1. yes, i read it all,but the concept of love n heart breaking goes hand in hand.so it happens and let it happen..dont be sad because everything happens for a reason ,give yourself time.if the thoughts are coming let them come and go.finally you will realize the truth,better you find it yourself and one day you l reach it..happy days..

  2. I’m sitting here thinking and thinking of something witty and practical and possible here, but God this is tricky.
    In response to changing seating plans….perhaps talk at lunch time?

    • Thank you so much, Elly πŸ™‚ That means a lot. To be honest, I wouldn’t know what to say to my own post. It’s a bit of a messy jumble, unfortunately 😦

  3. Of course your going to feel sad its what is supposed to happen but you will eventually get over it. Who knows when but you will get over it and if you need anything I am here for you !

  4. If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that it’s okay to let it all out and cry. If you’re not feeling happy, there’s a reason and, once you let that out, you may find that you feel better. My advice -which may or may not help- is to not worry about relationships till you know what you want. That might take the pressure off of things for you?

  5. I don’t want to sound weird but with each and every day I’m starting to love your blog more and more. It’s gotten to the point where I look forward to your posts.

    I know what you’re talking about when you’re feeling just really overcome with sadness and feeling bad about yourself. I’m a relatively happy person with a relatively good life yet sometimes this feeling of awful low self esteem kicks in. It’s weird

    • But luckily, it’s okay to feel that feeling. I’d even say that sometimes, it’s good, because sometimes you NEED to feel that feeling for it to go away. You can’t get rid of a problem when you don’t know it’s there, after all.
      Also, thank you so much. The fact that you’re able to say that you love my blog makes me so so happy.

  6. Hey sweet girl. Momentary sadness sucks. It comes over you like a flood and you have no idea why or how to get rid of it. It’s normal, though. I would suggest (LOL, like I actually know what I’m talking about) letting it take its toll so you can appreciate future emotions—like HAPPINESS!!!—later. Keep dreaming, k? πŸ˜‰

    • Of COURSE! And you keep being the amazing person you are πŸ™‚ Thank you SO much. I think you’re right – there isn’t much I CAN do, but your advice has helped because then, I will know what it feels like. It’s like an immune system, you know? You have to experience the pain first so you know how to combat it.

  7. Sorry you’re feeling kind of sucky, I’ve had times when I’m upset but have no clue why and it’s confusing and annoying. But, as I have no good advice for you at the moment, I’ll just tell you every single one of us is supporting you! πŸ™‚ Hope everything gets better.

  8. Love is weird and tricky and awkward and irritating and mushy but we all have to swim through it (or drown in it) sometime. All I can say is good luck, and don’t let too much of the lovey dovey stuff get to your brain if you can help it (even though love is technically all endorphins), because you always need your brain to survive, and love can kill you. Gosh, wtf is wrong with me. I don’t know if I was trying to be poetic or just plain awkward, but the latter seems to be the outcome.

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