Selfish, Stupid, Good for Nothing, Ungrateful

TRIGGER WARNING: this post contains a lot of mentions of self-harm and death. Apologies. If you’re affected by this, don’t read it.

Look, I don’t give a fuck any more.

It’s funny because this keeps on happening. All the time. I should come to expect it, but NO: I just wend on my merry way when something good happens and FORGET ABOUT ANYONE ELSE BECAUSE I AM SELFISH.

Let me explain.

There is one blind camp I enjoy, and that’s VICTA: a weekend you go to with your parents (in this case my mum) and other families. One of my best friends goes there – the one who went to France with me – and we always (most always) have a good time.

But I can’t go this year.

At France, mum had a shit time. It was for me. THE HOLIDAY WAS FOR ME and I didn’t think about her. On the blind camp, I didn’t reply to any of her texts because I didn’t think.

So last night she sent me a text saying we weren’t going and that I should think about her for once. This morning, I read it, and I flipped out completely.

On the camp, I had a complete breakdown in front of two of the staff on Wednesday night because on the Tuesday, I’d helped too many people and it drained me. I said things like “I don’t deserve any help because people have more serious problems than me”, “I feel selfish whenever I think about myself”, “I forget to look after myself and sometimes I just don’t care”. These are thoughts that run through my head on a daily basis, along with “I need to think about everyone”, “I’m not important” and “I don’t deserve anything.”

But I forgot. I forgot about her.

I deserve this. I don’t want to do anything. Right now, and I’m serious about this, I want something to just come along and kill me. Not myself, but something. It’s the coward’s way out BUT I DON’T FUCKING CARE!

SHE’s the one in pain. SHE’s the one upset. Not me. I shouldn’t be upset. This isn’t about me and I’m selfish, see?! How can you not deny I’m selfish? Look, even THAT was about me. It’s about her, and the fact SHE feels like shit.

I won’t do this, but I deserve the pain I’d get if I hurt myself. I deserve every single bad thing that happens to me and more, because I am horrible, and I NEVER NEVER NEVER THINK!

You know what? I was so wrapped up in the good things that happened with Palm, and then alternately awful Ash memories that caused my breakdown on camp that I forgot, I forgot, I forgot, I forgot.

Inconsiderate.

Selfish.

Awful.

Undeserving.

Pathetic.

You deserve not to have a good time on VICTA, Elm. You should mend this relationship with your mother, like your father said, but can you be bothered? NO, because you’re lazy; NO, because you can’t move; NO, because your mum doesn’t understand what you’ve been through because YOU HAVEN’T TOLD HER.

She doesn’t know you want to disappear right now. She doesn’t know that if you had the willpower, you’d fucking take a knife to your throat and you can’t think like that because that’s awful, that’s awful, your family’s had enough pain you can’t, can’t, you can’t, see what I mean you only think about yourself. Get a fucking life and stop whining; your friends will see this and think you’re a crazed lunatic and if Palm ever finds out – well, seeing this side of me would just convince him I’m a complete bitch. Or that I’m unstable.

Think about others for once. Think about everyone. It’s so difficult, but you’ve done it before, so fucking do it again you inconsiderate bitch.

I give the fuck up. I feel so ill and angry and voletile and I’m so, so scared I’ll do something stupid. I cried in front of my dad like I never have before and he basically said it was partly my fault and he’s right and I need to accept that. I want them to know how this is affecting me because I need help, I need HELP but I don’t deserve it because other people have it worse than me and all I’m doing is attention-seeking and whining about my FUCKING INSIGNIFICANT PROBLEMS!

“Aww, she’s not going to blind camp? Shame! HOW TRAGIC!” It doesn’t matter that I was looking forward to it. It doesn’t matter that I think I’m a horrible person.

I can’t think of all the things I’m missing, because I. DESERVE. THIS.

I’m fucked up but there’s no point in doing anything about it because – well, the crux of the matter is:

I don’t deserve the good, but I deserve the bad.

I’m sorry for making you read that. I’m posting it anyway, because right now I’m unhinged and I think I need the support or something. I’m sorry; it’s awful.

From Elm

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94 thoughts on “Selfish, Stupid, Good for Nothing, Ungrateful

  1. I am trying to think of something to respond but nothing seems right. I really hope that you and your mum can resolve your problems. I am sorry you had such an awful time on blind camp and that you feel this way right now. It is horrible to feel do negative about yourself and I hope that you are. Able to overcome this because although you may not see it, I think that you are a kind and fantastic person and I would hate to lose you as a friend. If you need to talk then contact me on kik or you can try and skype me and I can talk things through with you but I also understand if you want to be alone.

  2. I’m really feeling your frustrations and pain Elm…. I so hope things with your mum can get resolved, so your life seems a little easier…

  3. Hey, don’t feel like this. I am in no way qualified to tell you how to live your life, but I don’t think you should give up just yet. Talk to your mum about how you’re feeling if you’re comfortable to, but don’t give up yet. We’d all miss you too much πŸ™‚ xxx

  4. I am sorry. I’m sorry that lots of stuff has gone wrong and that you’re having issues with your Mum and that you’re stressed and upset, because I care about you like so many others. I just really hope everything will get better soon because you deserve it. No matter what you think, I’ll still believe that you deserve it. πŸ™‚ xo

    • You think I do? Thank you so much. Damnit, Luna, you’re so amazing and I care about you and you’ve done so much for me and I feel so guilty whenever I put these posts up, because it’s like a cry for help. I was happy these last two weeks, and negative thoughts didn’t often pop into my head apart from Wednesday, and I’m just so sick of the fact that it’s gone to hell again when I was having a break from it.

      • Thank YOU so much for the comment and the post and the blog and being yourself. You should not feel guilty for these posts. It’s your blog, and we will always support you. And I get it. You’ve had a good few weeks and now it’s kind of collapsed. I understand that it’s frustrating and upsetting and overall quite horrible. I can’t really help you with that, but what I can do is tell you it will get better if you try to stay positive (so clichΓ© I know but it really does help), and try to solve the issue without getting consumed by it. I’m hoping (really super hard) that it will all get better. πŸ™‚

  5. I’m sorry you feel this way Elm. I know sometimes we just mess things up ourselves and feel that there’s nothing that can fix it, but as long as you want to there’s a chance of making it better. Maybe talk to your mom and sort it out, let her know that you do care a lot about her, etc. Do what you think is best. Also, get help if you think you really need it.
    You’re a wonderful person. No matter what you said about yourself, you are, remember that.

    • I’ll try my best. It’s just difficult, but the support I’m getting is fixing the idea into my mind that I’m actually worth something, which is a foreign idea to me in itself. Thank you so much, Melody; you’ve always been here to help me. I’m going to have to talk to my mum soon, but I just don’t know how – earlier, I was talking to the mum of my best friend and telling her things and she said she’d talk to my mum, and I just got a message from my mum asking what I’d said and I’m terrified because I’m making it worse

      • Sorry for the late reply; did anything happen?
        Changing your mindset is always hard, but it can be done, through practice and support. Of course you’re worth something, just see how many people you’ve helped and inspired, and that’s just a small part of it. Allow yourself to be happy with it.
        As for your mom, I’m not even sure if I can give a sound advice since my relationship with my mom is sometimes rocky and I’m scared that I’ll make things even worse for you…so take what you think is appropriate (ha, as if i have a lot of advice) Two things — be honest with it, and think before you speak.
        I really hope it turns out well!

      • Thank you again πŸ™‚ Your advice is always great so don’t worry about that, and it always helps. As to what happened – mum called me, I screamed at her (sort of, I just told her to stop) and then I freaked. But I went for a walk with my dad where we talked about it and it helped so much.

  6. Elm. You should write it out and not give a f*ck what I or anyone thinks…(Though I do I think you did a venting here because it’s useful to get these things out). Elm, have you consididered showing the writing on this post to your mother (while removing the details you don’t want her to see)? You seem so sweet and that’s why I don’t think you deserve all this guilt. Thinking of you 😦

  7. While reading your post I happened to listen to “The way I am” by Staind. It’s basically about how someone is not really good at things but still he’s the way he is. We all fuck things up from time to time, some more than others but that doesn’t mean we deserve bad things happening to us. Yeah, sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is just a freight train coming your way. And sometimes that pain; i.e. emotional pain is necessary to teach us a lessons, show us where we went wrong and what we’ve done wrong. And that’s all you need. If you cut yourself it doesn’t teach you anything and it doesn’t make your situation any better. You made a mistake and you know you did. So do something and that something does not involve hoping something will kill you. That something involves you talking to your mum about what you did to her. Tell her you had a hard time but before that agree with her that you don’t have to go into any details. You two can work it out but you’ve got to talk about it. Ignoring it and hoping for death won’t make the problem go away. Talk to your mom, I’m sure she’ll understand. Show her that you care. You’re just as horrible a person as you make yourself. So you can turn that around. You’re not horrible even if you might not believe it right now. You’re a good person. You care for others. Sometimes, it seems, you care too much and that’s what causes you to break down. Now you’ve got to care for yourself and your mom. You can do it. It might be hard and it might take some time but it’s worth the effort. Everyone can kill themselves but then what? There’s just no use doing it. We all care for you and you care for us. Doesn’t knowing that feel much better than cold steel on your skin? Talking is the way to do it. Words can have a fascinating effect, make use of it. You’re situation reminds me of a line from another song:
    I’m two steps from salvation/but I’m only taking one.
    Take that second step. You can do. Wish you all the best and if you ever need someone to talk to, you know where to find me.
    Cheer up!

    P.S.: You don’t deserve all the bad things. You’re a good girl. You made a mistake, we all do. We’re human beings, not machines to switch on and off. We can’t have our memories and mistakes erased so we have to make the best of it.

    • Oh god, thank you so much. You’re right. I just need to calm down, before I do anything. That comment just picked me up so I have to thank you for that. You’ve always made me feel better and that means a hell of a lot. In my heart, I know I’m not an awful person; I just have to convince myself of that in my mind.

      • Any time. The mind often only sees the raw facts and forms its own picture which we think makes sense. The mind is the most rational system we have. Still, sometimes the heart knows better but the mind can’t grasp it (yet). You can convince your mind. It just needs evidence. Keep going. I know you can do it.

  8. Okay. Elm. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO BE SELFISH! By the sounds of things, you are a helper when people need it, so why can’t you do something for yourself? Everyone deserves things that will help themselves so what makes you any different? Your parents care about you, and for them to understand your situation you’re going to have to tell them- it doesn’t have to be every detail, but just so that they know where you’re at. They’ll appreciate it!

    • I really really hope you’re right πŸ™‚ I’m just scared because for me to tell them I have to tell them the thoughts that go through my head and then mum will say I’m making it about me again

      • If I were you, I would just ask her to hear me out, and say what I have to say. I completely understand why it’s hard to tell them everything because you never really know what their reaction is going to be until you tell them- and that’s what puts me off telling things to my parents! You don’t have to rush into anything. You can take some time to think about what you want to say first. And say to her that you’ve had a tough time but you just need her to listen to you, because it sounds like you need her to listen right now. Hope it all turns out for the best! And remember, the WordPress community is rooting for you! πŸ˜‰

  9. Hey honey, it’s okay to vent – that’s what this blog is for! And you are one of the least selfish people I have ever met, so you want to have fun? So?! You deserve to be happy! Just let me know if there’s anything I can do x

    • Thank you so much πŸ™‚ I think the most anyone can do is be here, and I KNOW you’re here πŸ™‚ I guess I’m just so upset because I was so happy and then BAM, back to feeling crap again.

  10. Oh My God. So, there`s a lot I could say. DO YOU WANT TO SKYPE NEXT WEEK? Okay, maybe that`s a bit crazy, but I`d love to talk to you. Just talk anything out and get to know each other? If you want to that`s it. πŸ˜€ Anyways. I`m sorry that you feel this way, but from my point of view your mum is making it worse for you. Okay, you didn`t reply to any of her texts, and I know parents worry. Of course they do, but after all, you`re on a camp. When I was on this trip for 9 days outside of Norway, I had no contact with my parents, but they didn`t freak out that way. So, you did NOTHING wrong. It`s not the end of your life, or the world for that sake. You are beautiful, you`re not selfish just because you didn`t reply to some text messages from your mum? You wanted to have a good time. You have no reasons to feel bad about yourself. That`s not what I`d as a person call a mistake.
    About the break down – it happens. I had a little one when I was in Germany. Nobody said it was easy, but I must confess something – It all starts in your head. You can change your attitude and reactions by your mindset. You keep telling yourself you`re not worth anything, you`re deserve all the bad things and you want to die. How sad isn`t that? You need to change your way of thinking. Bad things happen, but we as human beings, have to get out of them in the best we can. πŸ™‚ Sometimes we can`t fight like a lion, but as long as we try, it`s okay. πŸ˜‰

    Take care of yourself, Elm. If you want to, talk to your mum. She should understand, she should listen to you. She`s not only there to worry about you. Keep that in mind, lovely Elm!!

    • Hey. You are so amazing. Your advice has AFOR, always helped me. And of COURSE I’d love to skype you next week! πŸ™‚
      I DO need to change my way of thinking. It’s not easy, but you’re starting to convince me I’m strong enough.

  11. Aw, that makes me so happy and appreciated! YAY, WE SKIPING THEN. But, I can only skype at a specific time, so I just hope that time works for you too.
    You ARE strong enough, Elm. I`m sure you`ll get there somewhere. One day, Elm. ONE DAY. πŸ™‚

  12. She’s your mum and every (good) mum in general will be worried. I’m no one to tell you this, but don’t beat yourself up over something so temporary. Your mum will get over it, because she loves you.

  13. Oh god that’s awful, I’m so sorry you had to feel that way): Although, I can’t offer you any advice or words of wisdom , I am here to listen or to support you in whatever form I can do 😣 And I think your Mom means well but either she misunderstood you or she really doesn’t know what you really feel, it’s best for you guys to talk it out. After all she’s your Mom and she’ll always love you . I hope everything will turn out okay xx

  14. This is one of those times I wish I could just say one thing to make it all better. I know you’ve heard it a million times before, but I’m so sorry this happened.
    You are NOT good for nothing or abnormally selfish or stupid in any way. You ARE sweet and smart and utterly fantabulous, and I know you will find a way to fix this.
    A word of advice: when you talk to her, lay it all out on the table. I know it’s hard, but sometimes the best thing to do is to put aside the defense mechanisms. Maybe she’ll be more willing to forgive you the more willing you are to be honest with her.
    Selfishness is something I struggle with on a daily basis. I always seem to find myself thinking of myself before other people. Personally, I think the only way to combat that is to put your heart into serving others. Focus on what makes them happy, and you’ll find happiness in that. In addition, there is NO HARM in finding happiness in the little things–i.e., your beautiful new boyfriend!! ;).
    You’re too smart to self-harm or anything of the sort, sweet girl. Don’t let life get you down ❀

    • I’ll try not to, as best I can. Thank you SO much – as always, you’ve helped me and I’m so glad of that. I don’t know what I’d do without you πŸ™‚ I think honesty is the best tactic, too; it lets you be more open.

  15. So now that every other blogger has written a great speech about what to do, here come’s my crappy advice… I’m going to be blunt because we all love you.
    It’s hard. Life is sooo hard. Sometimes it’s so hard that maybe it’d just be easier without you there. Maybe if you took a break from existing. No one would miss you anyway, right? But the problem is so many people WOULD miss you… And if this argument is so upsetting, resolve it. I spent a lot of time arguing with the people I love up until recently. Now, when I have an argument or I’m in a bad mood, I let it run it’s course. But, once I’m done and I’ve taken some time to cool down, I go back to the people who I’ve hurt, explain what my thought process was, and apologize for the stuff that my brain thought was important at the time. So maybe take a break. Sit in your room for an hour and do whatever relaxes you. Then, talk to your mom. Or not. Whichever works for you. Also, as I was reading this comment back to myself, I realised how selfish I am. What’s the point?
    Talk about an existential crisis. We’re all selfish. Even the most caring, perfect person in existence, is selfish. (maybe not as often as the REST OF US, but nonetheless…) We’re selfish. We’re human. WE make mistakes. Not just you. To quote the emotional drama of the decade, “We’re all in this together”. πŸ™‚ And with that now I return to my train of thought… You’re not selfish. You’re just less-other- selfish. You’re doing fine. Just remember life sucks sometimes… So do Vampires. (I have no idea where I’m going with this….) Anyway, WE love you and if you leave us, where will we go to read about the life of a crazy, hormonal, blind chick from England who names everything after plants? πŸ™‚

    • By the way, you’re so brave that you posted about such a hard to discuss topic. It’s not cowardly to throw caution to the wind and expose yourself. Especially on the internet. I commend you.
      That is all.

    • I. Love. You. Literally you are the best person ever. What the hell would I do without YOU? Damnit, you’re brilliant and this comment made my day πŸ˜€ Perhaps I’m not selfish. Perhaps you’re right. Perhaps this perhaps will disappear, because it’s already starting to. Thank you. Thank you so much. I needed this. Also, this was AMAZING advice – so’s all the advice you’ve ever given. I’m sort of speechless because your comments always make me so happy.

  16. I knew there was something like this buried deep in your mind the moment you commented, “Beautiful” on my poem about suicide.
    I will resurrect you just to murder you in cold blood if you suicide.
    My word.

  17. Don’t worry so much about this, Elm. A technique I always try is being grateful to myself and society-it’s amazing how just valuing what you have can magically improve your state of mind and relationships, bringing you out of negativity. You should try it!

  18. I am really sorry you feel this awful, there was a year when I thought the same things about myself and it was truly awful, but trust me thinking that way makes it all just get worse, I as I am sure many others would absolutely hate losing you, because you are amazing and there are going to be so many times when it doesn’t seem that way but you have to try your very hardest to see yourself that way. Writing to vent though is good, that’s what I do! It is a really good way just to organize your thoughts and get things out a couple weeks ago I was going through some rough things and I just went straight to my laptop and wrote out everything, I didn’t have the guts to post it, but you did and what you posted in ways could actually help someone. You are cared for by so many people, so never feel pathetic or undeserving. I really do hope you and your mom sort things out! I’m sorry if any of that advice was awful I just wanted to let you know how incredible you are and that I and a ton of others are there for you and that we got your back! πŸ™‚

  19. There are soooo many comments here and I honestly haven’t read them all so someone’s probably said this already but:

    Everyone messes things up. Literally. Everyone. I’m not saying your problems are insignificant, far from it. I’m only saying DO NOT BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF! 😦 I always think the worst of me and it never helps. Talk to someone who knows you and values you. Sometimes seeing what other people love about you can help you find something you love about yourself.
    You’ll probably think that’s a load of rubbish but it’s just how I deal with things x

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