What the Hell did I Just Do?!

I’m in shock. Complete shock. My heart’s still going at a million miles an hour and oh god, I’m a complete idiot.

So you know that yesterday, Palm broke up with me. Yesterday. Remember that, YESTERDAY.

And today, well, I-

For FUCK’s SAKE.

So my two friends came round to my house today – both blind and known them for years. There was K, who is 13 and… S, who’s my age. I’d use tree names but with K, I think he has a blog and S… I honestly can’t think of one that fits.

They stayed from 9:30 till 5 and to put it simply, we talked a lot. As the time progressed, I eventually held S’s hand a lot and got close with him and I’m cringing just writing this. There’s something wrong with me; I feel like a slut or some derogatory word like that.

There was a sort of buildup of emotion in me. K kept joking that S and I should get together and I was sort of wanting K to go to the loo for a few minutes by the end of it so I could see what happened, but then I didn’t because K is great and he shouldn’t need to feel he had to give us “alone time”.

Point is, a few minutes before we went to the train station, K DID go to the loo and, er, oh shit.

S and I kissed. I think. I don’t even know. I initiated it and fuck, WHY did I do that?! He didn’t object but I was horrified at myself and I don’t know HOW it happened.

Like I genuinely don’t know what I did, or how to describe it, or whether it was what people normally do and CRAP. I should have remembered it because for god’s sake, it was my first proper one – or was it? WAS IT?! I don’t know if I should count it.

He said he’d miss me before and AFTER it happened. Still can’t believe I did that, what the hell, I’m ELM, ELM, ELM! I’m not who you’d usually expect to have casual shit with people!

And then afterwards I felt so miserable when K and him left: K because K’s one of my good friends and I don’t get to see him that often, and S because of what had happened.

We talked about it just now and he said he was glad I did it but am I glad I did it? I think so.

Look, I don’t have strong feelings for him. I don’t WANT a relationship because I am still screwed up by the last one WHICH FUCKING ENDED YESTERDAY, what is wrong with me!

When people read this, they’ll probably say it shows I wasn’t committed to Palm but the thing is, I was, and that’s why I think I did it. I think S and I kissed for the sheer hell of it, or something, I don’t know, help me?

Oh god, I have no idea what to do. I REALLY don’t want a relationship. I often used to think that flings and “hook-ups” were awful, but ever since I went to France last year and this year (this year more) I realised it’s not TOO bad, but I thought I wouldn’t be the type of person to have one but I am. I am. I AM.

I shouldn’t have done it? Or is it okay? I feel like people should be disgusted with me, because I am a little with myself. Yesterday. And then today I just couldn’t stop myself at ALL. And I WANTED to do it, because I like him.

And now I feel guilty as hell because K is upset for some reason and I think he thought he shouldn’t have been in the way, which is bullshit because I’m so glad they were BOTH there.

Can someone please give me advice? I’m sorry to ask this of you all but I just don’t know what to do. I don’t really need advice on getting into a relationship with him, because I’ve already decided I don’t want to, but is that okay? Is what I did okay? Am I awful?!

Okay, breathe. BREATHE.

But if I saw him again I’d want to kiss him again or actually do that properly rather than the thing we did which, I don’t know what it was because I’VE NEVER DONE THIS PROPERLY BEFORE!

I need to calm down. I’m just scared I’m a terrible… Thing. Slut, slag, whore, user, fucker-around-with-emotions, whatever.

From Elm :/

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78 thoughts on “What the Hell did I Just Do?!

  1. Okay. Relax. None of those words describe you – or anyone. Stop shaming yourself. This sort of thing happens all the time. Your relationship has you feeling alone and vulnerable. Being with someone who comforted those feelings made you especially attracted to them. It’s call rebound. It’s fine. You don’t have to beat yourself up. It’s a normal, human thing. In time you will be able to talk to S. and he will understand. Even if you both have underlying feelings for each other – now is NOT the time to explore them, and he knows that. Breathe. This will be okay!

  2. Come on Elm! Don’t beat yourself up! Have you heard of something called ‘a rebound’? Your still hurting over Palm. You need to explain to K why you kissed him and that your not in a place to start a new relationship. If he truly cares about you (even as a friend) he’ll understand… Good luck! ☺️

  3. girl! there’s nothing wrong with you , a lot of people( okay everyone ) do stuff like that and no it’s no a bad thing . Don’t stress about it because different people dealt with shit different ways . And you had a weak moment , so what ? everybody makes mistake . don’t stress too much over it okay? it happens and you just needed someone at that moment . totally okay .

  4. Elm relax and stop degrading yirself.. Everyone have that moment in their life when things just happen and we’ll feel good while doing it but awful after when we sit and think it through. Yir human, we make mistakes and learn from them..that’s the while point of living. Yir not a bad person for doing what yi did.. So just relax, okay? Yir still the awesome Elm πŸ˜„ And I think yi should sit down with this guy and explain yirself so there’s no misunderstanding between yi both. Good luck~ #disappearsintotheshadows

  5. There is nothing wrong with you! This is obviosly how you are dealing with it and it is okay to deal with it like that!

  6. Your definetly not a slut or a whore or anything Elm. I may have never experience something similar in my life I’ve felt urges to but it’s alright. I know you were committed to Palm you could tell you were. Its likely this is how your dealing with things and its possible you really miss the feeling of being in a relationship that’s why it happened. Try relaxing and seeing how things turn out in the end

  7. Ok, first of all, you are in no way what you said you were. I’m guessing that from a break-up, it’s natural to go into a sort of ‘rebound mode’?? But if you actually like this guy, then I don’t think it really matters how long it’s been since your last break-up… Just go with it! If you like him like that of course! But if not, then you should probably let him know… He’ll be thinking about it like you are! If you’re in the middle… Well, I would say that you aren’t too sure and that you are still recovering from Palm… And that you need some time. That way you have time to decide what you want to do. πŸ™‚
    Hope this helped!
    Stay strong! πŸ™‚

  8. Slut? No. Whore? No. User? NO! Elm, yo hour one of the most lovely people I have ever met on WordPress. You were just in a difficult position. That doesn’t mean your any of those bad things.

  9. Hi! I know you already have like 47 comments and you probably donΒ΄t need one more but I wanted to tell you this: You are not a whore or a slut, or whatever you are calling you right now. You were fragile and he was a secure source. You already know him for some time, I think, and after what happened to you with Palm, you felt safe with him, like he would not hurt you like Palm did, I donΒ΄t know if this true, reading your story this was what I thought was close to truth. If you feel something for him so go for it, I know itΒ΄s kind of soon but “ItΒ΄s never too soon for love”. But if you are not and that was just an escape from your problem so you have to be honest with him. I donΒ΄t know if this helped…

  10. Be single until you’re totally sure about S or Palm. Think it through but hang out with your friends and keep off it from your mind for a bit. Do what makes you happy.I know how it feels to hurt someone. its crap but now you need to focus on you.

  11. Its okay, don’t think about it too much, its not a problem. You’re not any of those things. It’s not a problem. You’re allowed to like it if you did, and for it to not mean anything if it didn’t. You’re allowed to feel whatever the way you want to. Don’t go by what you’re “supposed” to do

  12. I honestly don’t think you’re in any way a horrible person for doing this. I mean, the fact that you have such mixed feeling for doing so, proves that you are definitely NOT a slut. I have to agree with all the people above: it happened… now you just have to make sure you do the right thing. Which I believe, is doing whatever you feel is the right thing to make you happy. Sure kissing a guy after a break up probably wasn’t the most cleverest thing do to, but honestly there are always to people involved with kissing. Breathe, calm down and then trust you gut (with just a pinch of logic) and do whatever you feel is right!:)

  13. Slut, whore, hooker and what have you….try human being for a change. The situation you described is one that just happens. Many people say nothing “just happens” but it does. There’s a moment where you get and feel close to someone and you kiss him because of being close. That’s so normal. You might disagree but even having sex with a person can “just happen”. It was the heat of the moment. It might not be an excuse but rather a justification of what happened. So calm down. Talk to S and if you’re both on the same side about that kiss then everything’s just fine. We all wanna feel close to someone. It does not necessarily have to do with being in love but it’s also not playing with someone’s feelings (not intentionally). You’re friends, you felt close in a confined space, you kissed. That’s perfectly normal. You should file it away as a wonderful memory. If it felt right when you did it, why should it be wrong now? Don’t beat yourself up about it and stop insulting yourself. You’re still the awesome person you were before that kiss.

    • Oh my god, thank you. I NEEDED this. I needed the reassurance and from you, it’s so damn reassuring. For me, it’s not wrong now, but I need to be mature enough to realise I’m not ready for a relationship, because he just told me he likes me in a romantic sense. He lives 4 hours away from me, and I wouldn’t be able to cope as much as I feel TERRIBLE for saying no, because if he lived closer, I would say yes after I get over Palm (which hasn’t happened yet).

      • There’s a song by Sonata Arctica called Shamandalie where there is a line alluding to Hamlet. The line goes as follows: “Sometimes we need to be cruel to be kind.” That’s what you did. Of course it’s hard to tell that boy “no”. You know how rejection feels. But you were honest and though honesty often hurts it’s still the best way to go. That was mature. It’s okay to feel terrible but still it was the best you could do; best for him and for you. You both have to and will realize that. Take your time to get over Palm. You’ll know when you’re ready for a new relationship. Good luck πŸ™‚

  14. Hey! So I have been in similar situations as you are in right now where you are not sure if you actually like the guy or not and it is confusing and really hard. First of all though, you are not a slut. You are not a whore. You are just a teenage girl trying to figure out life. It is normal. Maybe you were using S as a way to get over Palm and you just dn’t realize it. Maybe you just finally realized what you have in front of you and didn’t realize how great it was until then and decided to take a shot. Maybe you felt pressure dto kiss him and just didn’t realize it! There are so many ontributing factors as to why you did kiss him but to figure it out you need t take a step back for a few mooments and ask yourself if you would actually deeply care if now this person was taken from your life. Would you actually be pained if you neer had another romantic encouter with him or would you be okay with it? I find these god ways to figure out if you like the person or not! Email me if you want more advice or need to talk more!

  15. Sometimes when we break up with someone, we feel less than we did before the break up and we want to feel as if we’re still desirable and we want to be wanted or needed.

    Or sometimes as humans we just make mistakes.

    I wouldn’t worry too much about it, Elm. I don’t think you’re a [insert derogatory word here]. You’re fine. Take a deep breath and figure out what it is you really want. Things will fall into place.

  16. Elm, do NOT call yourself those names or anything degrading like that. That’s an order. And I think it’s a thing to do that, like try to find another relationship quickly after a break up to make yourself feel better or something? I don’t know, I have no love life πŸ˜› But seriously you shouldn’t beat yourself up over this, and even if it wasn’t the best thing to do everyone makes mistakes, thanks to you I know we can learn from those mistakes. I hope

  17. Relax! If it makes you feel better I’ve made mistakes like those too(but on a smaller scale) the guy I’m all hyped over totally ignores me(In fact, goes out of his way to avoid me) and whenever I’m in the gym or something I always want to ask him if he’ll play basketball with me(and he says no) so anyways, I’m struggling to get over him but I simply can’t. I’m having an internal conflict right now so don’t worry, you can’t blame yourself.

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