And Perhaps I’m Just Sad

If you don’t like or aren’t in the mood for long, rambly, irritable posts, then don’t read this – this ticks all those boxes and even ticks boxes that don’t exist.

In this post, I’m going to mention several names that might not be familiar to new readers. If you’re confused, have a look at my Who’s who, Exactly? page. That should clear it up a bit, I hope.

I woke up too late today, but that was probably because I stayed up until 1, talking to S.

We talked about the situation that happened on Tuesday – where I’d kissed him – and I guess it helped. We said that we BOTH couldn’t deal with a year of not seeing each other, so hopefully we’ll meet up.

But then, over breakfast this morning, I just thought that I was so sick of everything.

I like S. I hate how I do. I don’t WANT to because it will hurt like hell, especially after Palm.

Yesterday, I said I was going to town with Odd. I had a brilliant time: we read summaries of books in bookshops (including 50 Shades of Grey, screw you Odd). In fact, she read me extracts. Oh god.

I went to her house and it was great, too, until she let me go on her iPod. (Sorry about this, Odd). Because I wanted to cause myself unnecessary pain, I went on to her messenger conversation with Ash and ONLY looked at the messages from 30 March, the day after we broke friends and Odd had talked about it to him. I know that’s a breach of privacy and I’m so so sorry, but I never looked at any of your other messages. That’s no excuse and I feel guilty as hell.

BANG. Hurt like hell. Hurt so badly that I just couldn’t do anything for a while. All the things he had said about me – that I’d never given him any privacy – were true, true, true. He said it in such a way that it fucking hurt and I understood EXACTLY why he didn’t want to be friends with me, because I didn’t want to be friends with me.

And this morning, it all came flooding back. What I’d done. What an idiot I’d been. Ash memories and EVERYTHING else, and memories of Palm and Birch and Cedar.

Speaking of Cedar, I’m going to call him today. We talked yesterday and we arranged it and I’m an idiot, because I don’t know how I feel.

This was a shit post. I suppose I’m just tired: I want something to go right without so much pain involved; I want to feel happiness for a prolonged period of time; I just want to not have to be on my guard and I want to think about Ash without misery.

I want to savour the Ash memories that were good, not flinch in pain every time I think them. I want to sit in history next year, either next to Birch or not, and not think about how stupid I’d been to tell him my feelings. I want to talk to Cedar normally, without fear of looking like an idiot or without fear of feelings growing that I don’t want. I want to think about S WITHOUT confusion, and without cursing the distance and time.

I really hope I’m not the only one feeling like this – in my mind, I know I’m not, but on the surface I guess I feel isolated. I’m scared about the situation with S, and nervous of Ash, and confused about more or less everything and everyone.

Sorry. I just need to get the thoughts out, so that I won’t think about them so much. Does that make sense? This was a terrible post, but hopefully I’ll write more cheerfully soon. That’s the Elm I am now.

I hope you don’t mind. Looking back, I suppose I always end up like this: posting miserable stuff, then getting happy again, then back to miserable stuff. It’s irritating.

I wanted to write more about this, but there’s nothing left to say. One day, if it’s okay with you, I think I’ll write out the whole Ash situation. From start to finish. It will hurt, but I think I need it.

That conversation with S last night though – I don’t know what to think. I was happy. We didn’t talk about US, as a couple – or not really. We kind of did. I’m just too confused because he lives FIVE HOURS away from me. I can’t deal with it. I don’t want to get hurt, you know?

Sorry again! I keep on apologising. I promise I’ll let you know about the Cedar conversation and I swear, the next post won’t be sad.

What’s up with everyone? How’s school going, or how’s your holiday depending on where you live, and is everything going okay? Let me know!

From Elm πŸ™‚

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36 thoughts on “And Perhaps I’m Just Sad

  1. Aw, I know how you feel about not feeling ready, especially after Palm but is this you thinking “I want to be with S, but can`t because it`d be stupid because the society says so” or “I want to be with him but I`m not properly ready yet.” Think about it, Elm. Suck it up, womaaaan! TAKE A CHANCE, because it might lead you somewhere. If you don`t actually feel ready, then let S know and if he TRULY LOVES YOU he will wait for a thousand years if he has to! Think about that too. πŸ˜‰

    About me- I started school the 18th and it`s been great so far – apart from the social part where my classmates don`t really care about me. Humans, but not much humanity!

    • They SHOULD care; you’re really brilliant! Is school okay though?
      I think I’m just not ready, and I just don’t know how to deal with the emotional stress and pain of long distance.

      • They really should, but considering how they`ve been towards me – if they suddenly started caring, I wouldn`t really trust or believe them, you know? School is okay, though. Just trying to get through it and enjoy it. πŸ˜€

        If that`s the case, then you should talk to S about it, and if he`s the right one, you`ll know. πŸ™‚ He should understand and tell you how he feels too and I know distance sucks, but if he wants to go through it forever and actually does, you know what the case here is. πŸ˜‰

  2. Don’t worry about it being ‘sad’ it’s fine we never signed up to just here happy stories we’re here for you and its good if you can express yourself then that’s better than letting it tear you apart. I can imagine how your feeling but try doing things and seeing people, it may help πŸ™‚

      • Yeah sometimes I feel like I’m selfish or ungrateful to be upset about things but when things get particularly bad it’s kind of important to be upset…. I don’t think I explained that very well but hopefully you got it πŸ™‚

  3. Aww, Elm, don’t feel cross with yourself! Liking S is totally fine, whether or not you want to act on your feelings or not is a different matter, and it’s your choice. I’d say (and you don’t have to take this advice; I don’t know a lot about love and stuff) that you should at least try and accept the fact that you like S, even if that’s all. I find that accepting those things definitely helps!

    I’m always up for a rant or vent if you need me as well, know that. πŸ™‚

    Elly xxxxx *hugs*

    • Elly, you’re such a sweet person πŸ™‚ Your advice means so much to me. I think accepting that I like S is the best course of action, too; you’ve helped me see that.
      Haha, I might take you up on the offer of a rant!
      From Elm xxxx *hugs*

  4. Aw, you need to put everything to the back of your mind and focus on the NOW! One day you can write or talk about everything that happened with this Ash person and it will help a little because you will have us all here to say that at the end of the day, he lost the greatest person ever. Time is all you can receive that will heal any and all wounds. As for S, let yourself accept it, but maybe you just need time to sort through everything else that’s gone on before you can truly think of anything more with S, you two can always still be friends. Don’t keep beating yourself up over the past, we all make mistakes that we can’t really change, it’s human nature to do that x

    • Thank you so much for that πŸ™‚ You’re right. I guess I find it hard to focus on the now because my mind is ALWAYS on what I’ve done wrong, or the future.
      Your advice is so great and I just need to thank you for that.

      • Well I was in a similar situation, and I did exactly like you did, thought of ways I could have done things differently, it only helps to make you feel worse about yourself, you deserve to be happy, the sooner you realise that the happier you will be πŸ™‚ and I’m happy to help

  5. Oh god reading extracts of 50 shades in public, did you survive without TOO much emotional trauma? Hehe, my holiday has been satisfactory, but I’m ready to leap back into the realms of school. And thank you, by the way, for reminding me to restart this ol’ blog of mine πŸ˜‰

  6. I am the same same! It is really hard to look back and remember the good parts of the relationship and not flinch when you see him or hear his name, but eventually you will get there. Just every time you think of a bad memory, think of all the good ones as well! Also, to help you get over him, think of only the present. Don’t think about the past with him and don’t think about what will be in the future with him. Think about right now. Do things that you want to do and that will make you happy. This way you will get over what you need to faster and will find that things sort themselves out most of the time! Also, I don’t mind rambly posts like this! If you go read my last post it is the exact same and probably makes no sense but sometimes you have something on your mind and getting it off your chest helps. Writing things down, from start to finish, also really helps. When you can see the whole story in front of you, it helps put it into perspective! And in the case of your happiness, put together a playlist of great songs and play them on repeat! That’s what I do!

    • Damnit, Sydney, your advice is so wonderful πŸ™‚ I’m really glad you were okay with this post. I think writing things down helps SO much, as well as thinking about now. I think I need to focus on that more.

      • Awww thank you! I like giving out advice! Starting to focus on it more will help so much! And writing it down! Even if you don’t post it, you could create a word document and write it down, or even use a journal or notebook you have lying around to do that!

  7. I’m a new reader so I know basically nothing, but hey! It’s okay to be upset and you don’t have to apologise for it. I hope you feel better soon ❀

  8. Elm, really, you can’t possibly feel guilty for being sad! It’s like a fundamental right, you know. This blog is YOURS, and when we’re reading it, we want to know about YOU and YOUR life. Happy or sad or pissed off or whatever. We want to know, and we want to be there for you. We ARE there for you. Through it all. Never forget that. *tight hug*

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