Let the Reminders Begin!

I CAN deal with this. I know I can, but it’s difficult, and it’ll take time, and… Right, I’m not making any sense.

I’ve got a few things to talk about, so bare with me. Like I said yesterday, this is the start of a new year and my posts won’t be as great and I’m sorry.

I went back to school today, and god it was boring. Seeing my friends, like Pine and Odd and Red and Wren, was amazing, but we stayed in our form room all day.

The things that screwed me over were the timetables – when we received them, I mean – and the assembly that we had at 12 o’clock.

Alright. I’m going to talk about Birch first. It’s easier.

I got my timetable and looked through the days. Immediately, I felt ill, because on Tuesday, my lessons are as follows:

History
French
French
History
Sociology

AKA: Birch, Ash, Ash, Birch, and then in sociology I sit near a girl who knows what happened with him and I don’t like her.

History. Right. Birch. I doubt I’ll sit next to him – the thought of that literally made me feel physically sick when I was thinking about it in assembly. Just thinking about him talking to someone else like he talked to me makes me so, so sad – I have no feelings towards him any more, but the point is, I miss the friendship.

And if we don’t sit near each other, I’m going to have trouble coping. I’m going to feel absolutely god-awful because of the opportunities I’ll have missed.

And French. Double fucking French.

We don’t have the same teacher this year so for all I know, I could sit near Ash. I can’t deal with that. Thinking about talking to him in a class setting makes me want to punch something because it hurts.

I imagined the things that would be said and my wrists felt weak and you know when you feel freezing all over? I guess I felt powerless.

Now, let’s talk about that damn assembly.

I was doing okay at the start. The timetable dilemma was still smashing through my head and I couldn’t concentrate on what the teacher was saying, but my thoughts weren’t getting miserable. They were just mildly irritated.

But then, the teacher said something. I honestly can’t remember what it was because of what happened after – something trivial and small. Even when I look back, I can’t remember.

It triggered the worst set of Ash reminders I’ve had in a very long time. I felt so ill that I just couldn’t do anything.

I can’t even bring back what they were. I thought about his birthday and the fact that he said he was going to get me something for my next one, but that won’t happen. I thought about everything he’s said to me and I just wanted to cry – I nearly did, which is VERY embarrassing.

I’m not in love with Ash any more, but I was, and even if I don’t regret it, it damn well hurts.

After school, I also realised I hadn’t spoken to Willow all day or that I hadn’t spoken to her properly in at least 2 weeks and that made my mood fuck up even more. I don’t think she reads my blog any more but I don’t care.

It’s not all bad: I have my friends, and this blog – speaking of, I’m struggling to read blogs recently. It’s horrible but I just can’t do it, unless people request me to and I happily will.

Sorry, guys. On Tuesday, you’re going to get a REALLY bad post through your reader. It’s sort of inevitable because I’m terrified.

Thanks for being so supportive, and I’m really sorry about this. If this gets bad, I’m going to see someone.

From Elm πŸ™‚

PS: Dear God, I feel so damn guilty or pathetic for posting this!

Advertisements

36 thoughts on “Let the Reminders Begin!

  1. Dear Elm.

    I think this gets a little stupid because. . if you`ll keep thinking this way and have this attitude towards school and your timetable, nothing will happen! I know Ash, Birch and all that sucks, BUT this is YOUR year. Ugh, I won`t tell you to let go because that will happen at the right time one day OR it might not ever happen. But you need to “control” your own mood, your own emotions and your own feelings. You simply can`t let it get to you for example every Tuesday. You`re letting it bother you, you`re letting it make you suffer and THAT ISN`T GOOD.

    I don`t think I need to say anything else because you know what`s true & right – you just don`t bother following it or forget to do so. πŸ™‚

    • I guess you’re right – I just never can get it into my head that I’m able to not let it get to me. Thanks for your advice, it means a lot. I’m just a complete mess right now

  2. omg i know telling you to rise above it is pointless but…. sympathies baby girl! thats the thing i hated about high school…there’s literally no escaping the people! you’ll be fine, though, don’t let it get you down! i hope your year is good anyways πŸ™‚

      • i just realised how much i missed out on your blog and i’m reading all the way back… wish i’d read it all at the same time we kind of went through the same things (but i always used my blog as more of a distraction than as a way to talk about things that happened) but wish i’d been there to talk with you. if you ever need support or some GRRRRL POWER rants or just to talk, im here for you girly x

  3. If you end up beside them maybe say to your teacher after class that you would like to sit some where else. Also you need to try and think positive about it

  4. Meh, you have a few bad days in school where you have to deal with people you clearly still care about, look at the bright side Elm, all these things bring back bad memories for you, and yes it is difficult to let go of those memories because whilst they make you sad they’re very good memories and you want to hold on to them, which is completely understandable, we all do it. BUT you are a strong young woman with the ability to get through this year. Just because you have lessons with these people, does not mean it will be a bad day. Some days you might even forget that they are sat in the same room, simply because you are going to have stuff that will distract you (hopefully) and if there are horrible days where you feel completely down, you have all us to try and cheer you up and/or give you support.
    It may seem like the worst thing to see, but that’s probably the initial shock of finding out that you will be in an enclosed classroom with them, it will get easier, I can tell you that from experience. Do not under any circumstances let this make you take any steps backwards when you have come so far in getting through everything, you’ve come a long way from the girl you were when everything went wrong. You are amazing Elm xx

    • You’re such a lovely person and that nearly made me cry πŸ™‚ God, thank you so so much; I needed that. I’ll remember that when I’m stuck with them on Tuesday. Thank you again, you amazing human πŸ™‚ xx

  5. Don’t let bad past experiences get in the way of what matters. Holding on to all the pain and hurt will just pull you further down into a hole. It’s hard but try not to let any of it bother you. Hope it all goes ok and all you get put from the lessons is happiness (though you will probably also get homework :/)

  6. Let’s be real here. After the plethora of ranty, whiney posts I’ve made over the past year, this is perfectly acceptable. VENT – that’s what a large percentage of personal blogging will inevitably consist of! Venting. And secondly, the people in your class don’t have ANY control over you this year. This is our GCSE year; we’re up and down the country respectively but we’ve just got to set all of these things, these problems, these absolute catastrophes of social, existential or whatever other significance aside and do our level best in our exams. I understand how utterly rubbish and teacher-esque that sounds, and believe me it’s hard to listen to. But Elm, these people don’t have to mean anything if you don’t want them to!

  7. I’m sorry about the situation, it does seem pretty bad. But it’s going to happen anyway so you shouldn’t let it get to you. I know Ash especially makes you feel horrible, but just try and focus on the lesson, form other friendships in the class and if you need to ignore him a little to get on with it, then do it and ignore him. He doesn’t need to bother you, but you let him bother you. It’ll be hard, I acknowledge that. But you’ve got to try and forget about him and stop letting him get to you. πŸ™‚ Good luck for school.

  8. Hi elm!!!
    I haven’t seen your bog in ages!! its because i have been preparing for school which started on thursday 3rd sep, and after that, well, I got so caught up with school, that I didn’t have much time for anything else but homework, and all my class are so excited as were not the little year seven’s anymore!!! not that year eight is big!! Good luck with school!! :-)!
    i would’ve wrote something nice about your situation, but if i did i would sound a fool!!! because i just became twelve, and you are like 15!!!
    sorry if you found my post boring, i think i might just leave it to hi next time.
    bye!!~β™₯β˜Όβ™«
    ~β™₯mahjabeenβ™₯~

    • Oh shh you, who cares if you’re 12? You give brilliant advice! I know the feeling of school being REALLY stressful. Enjoy year 8 while it lasts; it’s the best year. Good luck with school – and you would NEVER sound a fool!

      • aww thanks so much. Yeah I really love my school, except the part that when i tell people what school i go, they laugh, as its a grammar school, though i see no difference between, except we HAVE to do more work. I’ll tell you about a prank i played on friday!! for all our lessons except pe, we have a class as a form, in pe, we have sets and i’m in bottom, as the only thing i’m good at is fitness and gymnastics, so it doesn’t really include any sort of fighting or rivalry does it (thats my weak pointy, im sometimes too nice!). luckily my friends are in bottom too, for some reason which isn’t the same as mine!! we were going to sports hall to meet our new teacher whennnn……..she came up in front of us and asked us, where’s the sports hall (she had just started the school 1 day ago) me and my friends directed her to the the toilets lol!!! if we get in trouble, we can say, she just might not’ve followed her instructions…not a deliberate lie is it?!!
        ’till next time
        mahjabeen

      • Yeah it is a lots of work, and then I have around 3-4 hours of homework!!! But, it isn’t that scary as everyone is nice. You would probably enjoy it :D.
        bye
        mahjabeen

  9. I am so sorry about your timetable! That happened to me once after my first ever real, big, crush and after he did something (I am not going into the story, lets just say it took me a hell of a long time to get over him) and then during the new school year, when the teacher announced our seats and we were together, I got that same weak feeling you did. It sucked. It was awkward. But, because we sat together for the majority of the semester, it almost forced us to some what mend our relationship and it doesn’t in any way mean we are even anywhere near as close as we were before, it just meant that it was as painfully awkward to sit together. I hope the same happens with you! I know how awkward it is so (if you are allowed to) load up your phone/ipod with a killer playlist, bring your headphones, and tune everything else out! That’s what I do! But you never know, maybe it will help make it a little less awkward!

    • I think it really, really will, and your story has helped me so much. Hopefully, I WON’T have to tune them out but if I do, I’ll think about what you said πŸ™‚

      • The tuning out thing is almost worst case scenario so hopefully you won’t, but it also helps if you start feeling panicky because they are beside you! I am glad it helped πŸ™‚

What did you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s