Trying (and failing) to explain my thoughts

I’ll put it out there: I haven’t had a good day.

In one of my recent posts, I mentioned how today I would have lessons with Birch and Ash. And now, I’ll talk about them.

Just to explain: last year, I sat next to Birch in History. I developed a… Crush on him, after everything went to hell with Ash. On the last day of school, I told him how I felt and he said he didn’t want to get into a relationship with anyone. And so, for the whole summer, I’ve been terrified of this year and the prospect of being near him.

I felt physically sick before history – I have that with Birch – and, when we sat down, I originally thought he wouldn’t be sitting next to me because Kyle, apparently, would sit next to me instead.

And the thought of that made me feel so damn upset that I could barely breathe.

It turns out that it was another girl, with the same name as me, that Kyle would sit next to – I only knew this because the teacher said, “Hi, Birch! Okay, you sit next to Elm!”

“Oh, just like last year!” my friend Oak said, and then I realised and felt absolutely horrified – yet sort of relieved.

Because now, I have the whole year (until study leave) to examine my feelings and to realise what will happen with me. I know Birch, as opposed to having to adjust to someone else sitting where my mind thinks HE should be, on a fundamental level; it’s strange. I think it’s better, this way, now I look back on it – to be honest, if he HADN’T sat next to me, I don’t know what I would have done.

I have two french lessons in between the two history lessons, but I’ll talk about it as a collective thing. It’s not the same, of course: I guess the conversations were “awkward”, but his humour is still the same.

I didn’t feel anything. Perhaps that’s because it was the first day and I was in shock, or maybe my feelings really ARE gone. I don’t know. I look at it closely and I wonder what he thinks about me, because the sort of spark I felt for him isn’t there any more.

Right. Ash. Shit.

The good news is, I don’t sit next to him. He sits three rows behind me, but I was actually petrified to the point of not moving when I considered that he was in the same classroom as me. Even now, I feel cold all over because I used to trust him.

TO NEW READERS: Ash used to be my best friend until he basically stopped talking to me; he knows so much about me and I know so much about him that it’s just horrible thinking about him. It’s a very long story but the basics are that I fell in love with him (those feelings are more or less gone now).

I sat next to my friend Fern, which was a massive comfort because she knows everything that happened with him – or near enough. I think I needed it: even if it WAS chance that we sat next to each other, she could distract me.

But the whole thing: history, french, french, history – took it’s toll on me. At break and lunch, I was okay and I managed to suppress the feelings. But by the end of sociology, the last lesson of the day, my head was pounding, my vision had gone blurry and I was shaking as I got out, because I just couldn’t deal with it. It had all caught up to me.

I just felt like doing nothing. I couldn’t even damn well work, and in the taxi I actually forced myself to think about Ash. Stupid idea: I remembered more or less everything.

Whenever I heard his name or his voice, in French, I just felt empty. I felt freezing as anything.

I think it’s emptiness that I feel right now. I had a horrible realisation in the taxi that I knew something about Ash – what it is, I can’t say because it’s the one promise I’ll keep for him – and it all hit me. I knew that about him. It had happened to him. TO HIM. I had almost forgotten, in the rush of pain I got whenever he was mentioned, but does he remember that he told me?

ME?

I think I’ll stop now. I honestly can’t really do anything and my wrists feel weak. I don’t feel so well, and I won’t bore you with this.

There’s one more thing that I have to explain, though.

A lot of you said, on my post where I freaked out about today, that if I thought positively about it it wouldn’t be so bad. I’m not saying you’re wrong, but I have to explain now why it doesn’t work for me, except I don’t know how.

I knew today would be bad. That’s because… So, I knew that either way, I’d have thoughts about Birch AND Ash. In the same day, and straight after each other, which has never happened before. I knew that, even if nothing happened, I’d still have those thoughts.

That’s the crux of it: I have those thoughts, which drag me down so badly because I THINK them, and I physically can’t stop myself from thinking them. I can’t distract myself. I can’t stop the thoughts from coming whenever anyone mentions their names. If I could think positively, I would because it would make it better, but you have to understand that for me, I just can’t.

It’s just a thing that is. I can’t control it, because I’ve tried. Like I said: it’s not the things that happen, it’s the thought of it.

I almost wish more things had happened so I’d feel like my thoughts are justified. But that’s stupid.

Thanks for reading. I haven’t read ANY of your stuff and I feel terrible for it; I’m so sorry. I hope you can understand my thought processes, and a little of why I get so scared about these things.

From Elm πŸ™‚

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50 thoughts on “Trying (and failing) to explain my thoughts

  1. Aww, i feel soo sorry for you. When im upset with people because they aren’t very nice to me or betray our friendship, i turnn a little mean to them. You seem very good the way you haven’t said anything or made any snide remarks! See ya soon!!
    mahjabeen

      • oh LOL!! maybe you should, it might let yourself free of all your emotions, thats how I feel, a big grumpy bubble with a great weight on my shoulders, then light and carefree and happy. I know its not that nice, but sometimes you have to do things like that isn’t it!!1
        bye
        mahjabeen

  2. Maybe sometimes it’s good to actually think about things. As much as it hurts, once the thought process is over maybe you’ll have sorted some things out. I’m always here if you want to talk! ❀

  3. I believe it`s better to think about something than to ignore it, because one day or another it will hit you. Also, I`m sorry if you think this is a little mean, but if you think you`re not able to control your thoughts and prevent you from feeling the way you do, then. . then much isn`t going to change. You`re going to have bad and sad days and tragicly, it`ll be because of you. Don`t say you can`t control it, because you always can when it comes to yourself πŸ™‚ You can always talk to me if you want to, dear Elm!

  4. Hey! I am sorry you had such a horrible day! I know you won’t be able to see this now, but in a way, it is almost a good thing that you have classes with them because you will get more used to being around them so your mind won’t keep bringing back all these horrible feelings every time you see them! Does that make any sense? When I had to sit beside the guy who hurt me, it helped a lot because even though at first every single science class I felt sick and like I needed to leave, eventually it got better and better and we are in no way friends now, it just helped me get over him faster. Now when I see him in the hall I don’t feel the need to hide or turn the other way, because the memories don’t come back unless I want them too! Hopefully that will happen with you as well, because by the sounds of it, it sounded as if you were almost on the verge of a panic attack at the end of the day! I have never actually had one, it just by the looks of it, sounded like that is almost what it was, but hopefully that never happens and hopefully by them being in your classes you get over them really fast!

  5. aw im sorry 😦 to be honest, we can all give you advice but the way your mind works is unique to you and thats a beautiful thing but it also means what works for one doesnt work for all…i truly hope you find something to help you get through this but i think maybe the long break from everything made it kind of fade in your mind and now youre suddenly hit with EVERYTHING and its a lot to deal with at once…it may get easier with time. i definitely hope so x

  6. Sorry you had a rough day, hopefully things will get easier with time. This may sound stupid considering how it affects you, but have you actually ever thought about just talking everything out with one person? And I mean everything. Obviously it’s all about when you’re ready to go through that because it will clearly have an effect. I hope things get better for you though Elm, and if that advice sounds like something you don’t want to do then ignore it

  7. IΒ΄m really sorry! And I know your day sucked and you had no lucky, specially with the whole Birch thing, but have you thought about: maybe itΒ΄s fate? Maybe you were meant to sit next him, A) to realize if you still have a crush on him or B) if you just need it to realize that you no longer feel anything for him, or C) to realize that you are still in love with Ash. So Elm, what is going to be?

      • It’s a hard decision. Can I ask you something? Have you ever thought that maybe you are not in love with Ash anymore? You are just scared to let him go? It happened to me once, I liked this one boy and I had like him for so long that at some point I wasn’t in love with him anymore I was just afraid because I didn’t know how would be like not be in love with him, if this make any sense

  8. Sorry about the crappy day, Elm. While it is sometimes best to ignore things, you can’t ignore them forever. It’s good and healthy to think about them and consider them. So don’t feel bad about letting the thoughts/memories get to you. In time you will be stronger! πŸ™‚ I really do hope that it will get better, because you are a wonderful person.

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