Musings Whilst Waiting for my Dad to Come and Pick me Up

There are just some things in life, and some moments, where all you can do is grin, bare it and hang on for dear life because otherwise, you’ll fall and you’ll leave people behind. If you do those things, you’re as brave as you could ever be, and I know I want you to hold on for as long as you can – and not just hold on, but get up again and smile for real.

I wouldn’t say I’m grinning, but I’m baring it, and I’m holding on. It’s not all bad; I’ve got my friends on this blog and in real life that keep me together. I won’t pretend I’m all doom and gloom, because I have my days – like one recently – where I smiled for an hour and just felt so happy.

But then, I have my days where I just can’t. On Monday, in maths, I physically couldn’t work and I felt like there was a cloud smothering me and hanging around me; later on, I had an episode of “Oh shit I need to call Childline” which passed, and I didn’t call them in the end. I nearly did yesterday, but my mum came home.

The point is, I’m okay. I’m so sorry I haven’t posted in… Has it been a week? I feel terrible. I don’t know what to say – nothing so bad’s happened. I’ve just been feeling the lowest I’ve ever felt, and it’s terrifying.

My mum asked me this morning if I was happy. She wanted to know if I “had depression or anything?” I said of course I was happy, and no, I didn’t have depression. The second I’m positive I don’t have – the first, I’m not sure about. I’m not happy, but I’m not destructive.

“You need to tell me if you do, okay?”

“Yeah.”

I hate it when she’s like this in the mornings. Then again, I hate it when she’s like this whatsoever.

It sounds like, when I write it, she was being caring as any mother would. Perhaps she was. But I know, through her tone, that she’d either had a row with my sister or she was trying to be there for me. Fucking good luck with that, really. But nah, I won’t get into that unless you’re alright with reading it.

I’m going to try and blog more. If I can. If I’m up to it. I’ll do my best, but I can’t make any promises, even though I want to.

Thanks for sticking with me. If you ever want to talk, you can email me – gemmabaristol@yahoo.co.uk – add me on Kik – GemstoneEyes – or, if I know you, I can give you my skype. I’m always going to be here, no matter what; I’m not just a faceless figure behind a screen.

Thanks again, everyone! Bare with me whilst I drag myself back up again. There are days where I honestlyy think I’m really good, but then a day hits me where I’m not.

I need to just reiterate: I don’t have depression. That’s insulting to those that do, and I won’t ever say I’ve got something that’s not diagnosed.

From Elm πŸ™‚

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27 thoughts on “Musings Whilst Waiting for my Dad to Come and Pick me Up

  1. I’m glad your feeling better! I just want to let you know ( i mean I know you don’t have depression) but I did so I totally get what you mean but feeling all down and stuff. Like if you ever want to talk or anything I’m here πŸ™‚

  2. I feel you – I find it irritating when my parents ask if I’m okay, but then again since they don’t do that often to me I know they’re just looking out for me.
    X

  3. I know it seems frustrating at times but maybe it might pay to have a wee talk with your mum at some point when you feel you have the energy too and just let her know a bit about how you are feeling and that. Also if you ever feel you need to call childline just call them no matter where you are or who you are with, just excuse yourself and find somewhere quiet and call them instead of trying to hold everything in because I can tell you from experience holding everything in is never the best solution. Here’s just an idea, again you don’t have to do it because it can seem dumb and stuff but I’ve done it before and it does make a difference. Buy a cheap journal or something and every night before you go to sleep make it a routine to write down either 5 things you were grateful for that happened that day of 5 positive thoughts you had that day or 5 happy things that happened that day or a mix of them. These can be as simple as a good song you heard or something someone said or as short or long as you feel up to that night πŸ™‚ Obviously it’s up to you what you choose to spend your time doing but doing something like that can also stop you from being succumbed by the low feelings and when you feel low during the day look forward to writing in your happy book. When I did mine I also put photos that made me happy in it and cut pictures and quotes out of magazines that I liked as well πŸ™‚ just something to give a bit of thought to πŸ™‚ you’re amazing remember XO

    • That’s actually a brilliant idea – thank you so much! πŸ™‚ Also, thank you for your support and encouragement. I think I will have a talk with mum at some point, if I can, and I need to remember about Childline.

      • You’re most welcome πŸ™‚ it really helped me so just thought I’d share in case it could help another person πŸ™‚ I’m always here for support and encouragement Elm! I really do think it would be a good idea shining a wee bit of light on your mum she’s probably not sure what’s going on at all and it will help the both of you when you feel the time is right πŸ™‚ and definitely remember about Childline πŸ™‚ they’re there to help πŸ™‚ XO

  4. You are amazing, Elm! I love you and I’m sending you all the good luck and hope and *virtual hugs* πŸ™‚ Guess how childish I am – I’m watching

  5. I really hope you feel better! All the same, it’s lovely to hear your voice on the blogosphere, so please don’t stop πŸ™‚

    Just wanted to let you know that I deleted my blog and created a new one at http://starrywriteblog.wordpress.com. I’d love if you could follow me on there πŸ™‚

    -Meghna

    • Of course I’ll follow your new one; I loved your old blog! Thank you so much, though πŸ™‚ I think this post helped me, more for the feeling of posting.

  6. Hey Elm! You are amazing and a very strong person. Just remember that and you can get through this. And I’m here to help so if you ever want to talk, then just leave me a comment and I’ll get in touch with you!
    Please take care and stay strong xx

    • Thank you so so much πŸ™‚ Your words mean the bloody world. I’m always here for you too, whenever you need it πŸ™‚ Thank you again.

  7. hi elm!!! when im feeling, anxious, stressed or nervous about something I imagine a beach with a rough violent sea, and visualise it calming down in my head. This always helps, as I am anxious and stressed not a lot but b4 2 years back, id never eperienced any of those feelings so yeah, and sometimes I just feel anxious and I don’t know why, but this trick works every time!! by the way its not my trick, its from a book called ‘love,tanya’ by tanya burr, who suffers from anxiety, but it works for any type of stress as its been tested out by me!!:D
    bye
    mahjabeen

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