Today can just Bugger Off

Today wasn’t so good, and that’s mostly down to a truly unwanted Ash explosion popping up in the middle of French. Ash, for those of you who don’t know, is my ex-best friend; we never ever talk, and I used to be in love with him. I trusted him so much – daamn, it’s so difficult to explain. I’ll run through what happened in French and you might get an idea.

Well. French wasn’t so great, either; I had a mixup with my homework where I apparently didn’t do it, gave it to the teacher, then she said I did the wrong one, and right at the end of the lesson I realised I actually HAD done my homework – and that caused me so much stress that I felt ill.

My stress levels kept rising because she said I had to stay behind at the end of the lesson (at the beginning) because of the homework related issue – so did Willow, a few others, and Ash. So I was feeling absolutely numb with fear when I realised I’d be staying behind with him in the same bloody room as me in close proximity. Turns out I didn’t stay behind, but honestly, I’d rather have done that then experience what happened next.

Ash isn’t good at french. As in, he’s bad at it and he knows it – he always has. He fucked his homework up – he sits at the back – and so the teacher brought a chair up to the front, by her desk, and he sat there and she talked through the homework with him. I felt terrible for him because I could tell he wasn’t having a good time of it (how, I’m not sure; I don’t know him well in real life to gauge that).

Can I just mention that I sit at the desk RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE TEACHER’s, so Ash was literally on the other side of the desk to me and I nearly cried. That’s how bad it got. The stress of the lesson, coupled with the proximity of him and the horrible guilt I was experiencing AND the pain that he never talked to me for 3 months though I don’t blame him (long story, look at the category the Ash Situation for more details) just made my head go funny and eyes go blurry and I felt so miserable that some screwed up thoughts swam to the surface of my brain.

So I was listening to them talking and I could see his shadow, even if I’ve got royally crappy vision and it was terrible. But then, she discussed my homework with me and I put the (wrong) HW on a memory stick. And I got up; the teacher asked me if she should come and get it and I SAID NO. I said no, even though I would have to pass directly by Ash to give her the memory stick.

And I did. I stood up, walked round my desk – and my TA (teaching assistant that helps me with work because of le crappy vision) said “Careful, Rorie’s chair’s in your way.”

“Don’t you mean Ash?” I mumbled so quietly that I don’t even know if I said it, but I must have done because she corrected herself. And at that PRECISE MOMENT, my horror and my pain and my fear kicked in full force, because I knew he was directly to the left of me. I could reach out and touch his desk. I actually accidentally brushed the corner of his paper with my fingers and I felt so ill that I wanted to hit someone. She spoke about my homework to me – that she couldn’t find the right one – and I STILL stood there, not doing the sensible thing and going back to my desk, but I was in a terrible mood at that point and it wouldn’t have made a difference.

My voice was so weak when I answered her questions – like, really frail and horrible, even when I was back at my desk and for the rest of the lesson.

I think I could hear him breathing. Or moving. And I just wanted to curl up and scream, because he said over a week ago to Holly that he doesn’t see why he should talk to me. Eventually, I went back to my desk at which point the teacher told me it was the wrong homework, I said I’d rather-do it by Monday but he was still there, constantly, until god knows when. I was so gone by that point that I got that awful haze or fog I had in maths the other day, where I didn’t care.

The details are really blurry now, but I’ve honestly never felt so guilty and horrified at myself. I knew he knew the effect he had on me; it was obvious. I kept on fiddling with my hands which is a sure sign, and I must have looked half-crazed. I don’t even offer up excuses.

That’s basically it. I’m sorry for the rant; it seems surreal that I’m posting this. I hope it’s okay πŸ™‚ I just feel miserable and horrendous because I caused all this crap to happen. He’s changed, I’ve changed and where was the friendship we had, and the trust? Dear god.

On top of this, I think I’m getting some screwed up feelings for Cedar – look at this page to find out who he is. It’s hard to explain.

Thank you SO much for reading, you amazing person. I’m sorry about this.

From Elm πŸ™‚

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22 thoughts on “Today can just Bugger Off

  1. Aww, Elm. Don’t worry, everything will turn out ok. πŸ™‚ Everyone here loves you and thinks your lovely. Don’t let Ash win…

  2. Not gonna lie I couldn’t finish it all because i was getting too annoyed with Ash so all I have to say is fuck him tbh and rather than worrying about everything I think you should focus on being mentally healthy because at the end of the day that’s the most important Anyway hit me up on twitter if you ever need to

  3. Ask is starting to get on my nerves – while you may have done things to somewhat justify his actions, he should’ve moved on by now. No need to keep ignoring you. I know he’s not intentionally making you panic around him, but by not being so closep up he could help a lot. And I don’t think he even knows he has this effect on you. He probably doesn’t even realise it, so if you can build up the courage to text him or something, and tell him about it, and maybe even ask for forgiveness, I’d say that’s worth a shot. And even if he doesn’t reply, then you can just rule him out as a bastard who’s not worth your time because he doesn’t know what kindness, forgiveness and second chances! I hope you can try something out but even if you don’t that’s alright, for now try work off some of that stress. πŸ™‚

  4. I am so sorry you ave to go through this! I really hope that at some point soon things start looking up for you and you no longer have to worry about things like this! Just remember that you have my email if you EVER need to talk!

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