Today wasn’t so good, and that’s mostly down to a truly unwanted Ash explosion popping up in the middle of French. Ash, for those of you who don’t know, is my ex-best friend; we never ever talk, and I used to be in love with him. I trusted him so much – daamn, it’s so difficult to explain. I’ll run through what happened in French and you might get an idea.
Well. French wasn’t so great, either; I had a mixup with my homework where I apparently didn’t do it, gave it to the teacher, then she said I did the wrong one, and right at the end of the lesson I realised I actually HAD done my homework – and that caused me so much stress that I felt ill.
My stress levels kept rising because she said I had to stay behind at the end of the lesson (at the beginning) because of the homework related issue – so did Willow, a few others, and Ash. So I was feeling absolutely numb with fear when I realised I’d be staying behind with him in the same bloody room as me in close proximity. Turns out I didn’t stay behind, but honestly, I’d rather have done that then experience what happened next.
Ash isn’t good at french. As in, he’s bad at it and he knows it – he always has. He fucked his homework up – he sits at the back – and so the teacher brought a chair up to the front, by her desk, and he sat there and she talked through the homework with him. I felt terrible for him because I could tell he wasn’t having a good time of it (how, I’m not sure; I don’t know him well in real life to gauge that).
Can I just mention that I sit at the desk RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE TEACHER’s, so Ash was literally on the other side of the desk to me and I nearly cried. That’s how bad it got. The stress of the lesson, coupled with the proximity of him and the horrible guilt I was experiencing AND the pain that he never talked to me for 3 months though I don’t blame him (long story, look at the category the Ash Situation for more details) just made my head go funny and eyes go blurry and I felt so miserable that some screwed up thoughts swam to the surface of my brain.
So I was listening to them talking and I could see his shadow, even if I’ve got royally crappy vision and it was terrible. But then, she discussed my homework with me and I put the (wrong) HW on a memory stick. And I got up; the teacher asked me if she should come and get it and I SAID NO. I said no, even though I would have to pass directly by Ash to give her the memory stick.
And I did. I stood up, walked round my desk – and my TA (teaching assistant that helps me with work because of le crappy vision) said “Careful, Rorie’s chair’s in your way.”
“Don’t you mean Ash?” I mumbled so quietly that I don’t even know if I said it, but I must have done because she corrected herself. And at that PRECISE MOMENT, my horror and my pain and my fear kicked in full force, because I knew he was directly to the left of me. I could reach out and touch his desk. I actually accidentally brushed the corner of his paper with my fingers and I felt so ill that I wanted to hit someone. She spoke about my homework to me – that she couldn’t find the right one – and I STILL stood there, not doing the sensible thing and going back to my desk, but I was in a terrible mood at that point and it wouldn’t have made a difference.
My voice was so weak when I answered her questions – like, really frail and horrible, even when I was back at my desk and for the rest of the lesson.
I think I could hear him breathing. Or moving. And I just wanted to curl up and scream, because he said over a week ago to Holly that he doesn’t see why he should talk to me. Eventually, I went back to my desk at which point the teacher told me it was the wrong homework, I said I’d rather-do it by Monday but he was still there, constantly, until god knows when. I was so gone by that point that I got that awful haze or fog I had in maths the other day, where I didn’t care.
The details are really blurry now, but I’ve honestly never felt so guilty and horrified at myself. I knew he knew the effect he had on me; it was obvious. I kept on fiddling with my hands which is a sure sign, and I must have looked half-crazed. I don’t even offer up excuses.
That’s basically it. I’m sorry for the rant; it seems surreal that I’m posting this. I hope it’s okay 🙂 I just feel miserable and horrendous because I caused all this crap to happen. He’s changed, I’ve changed and where was the friendship we had, and the trust? Dear god.
On top of this, I think I’m getting some screwed up feelings for Cedar – look at this page to find out who he is. It’s hard to explain.
Thank you SO much for reading, you amazing person. I’m sorry about this.
From Elm 🙂