Body Confidence Or Not?

No.

Okay, so it’s time I took a tumble. Or rather, it’s time my thoughts towards MYSELF took a nose dive. It hasn’t happened in a long time, and I’m irritated that this has cropped up now, but I need to deal with these feelings before they go out of hand.

For Halloween, I’m dressing up as… A Witch, or something to that effect. And because my sister is a stupid mental fucking bitch (I’m sorry it’s not her fault I’ll explain later), I don’t have a Halloween costume. So, I’m dressing in all black with a hat. Great, right? Nothing could go wrong.

Except I put on the clothes, and wanted my dad to take a picture so I could send it to someone I trust to ask if it was acceptable because I neither trust him nor myself. THAT’s when things went seriously wrong.

BECAUSE I CAN’T STAND STRAIGHT. I look like a twat. Nothing I do is right, nowhere I stand is right. I keep leaning forward or I just can’t look right and when I try to correct it, it looks worse. No pose I’m in makes me look comfortable, I’m ugly, I’m stupid, I will get laughed at, my posture’s terrible, my hair is disgusting, my clothes look awful…

Those were all thoughts running through my head about 5 minutes ago. We DIDN’T keep any of the pictures, because I was so angry I was nearly shouting and I had enough. It makes me want to scream now. I was truly horrified at myself and my inability to stand normally and feel normal and LOOK normal, because god knows I trust no one to tell me I’m pretty because I can’t tell if they’re right.

And, ugh, here we come with the “I’M BLIND” argument. CRAP, this is so attention-seeking, but it’s the truth. I can’t see my damn face. I can’t see how horrific I look. I feel like crying right now because I’m so so hopeless. I don’t want pity, and I wish these feelings hadn’t happened.

I hate these insecurities so much because I can’t do anything about them. It feels like they’re choking me, and I don’t want to return to that pathetic idiot who tries to impress people. That’s not how I am. These will pass, I know, but for now I can’t do a thing. I want to go back to not caring about my appearance but I CAN’T, because I’ll get offhand comments and laughter today and I can’t deal with it. I want to look normal without having to rely on other people to help me not look like a stupid loser.

My dad doesn’t understand. He doesn’t get why my voice is so listless and why I’m so unresponsive, and he doesn’t understand that my wrists feel weak and I want to rip the skin off my face and that I HATE returning to this state. It’s awful. I thought I was over this stupid “I feel disgusting!” bullshit!

I’m so done. Tonight, I’m going to have fun and I’m going to enjoy myself, but there will always be the lingering “EVERY SINGLE PERSON PROBABLY LOOKS AMAZING AND I DON’T!” spiel pouring through my mind. I can’t stop it. I just feel horrendous and like I’m worth nothing. I’m a disaster, basically.

Sorry, everyone. I need to get out. I don’t feel SO awful now; my wrists still feel weak and I feel there’s a cloud hanging over me, but I’m managing.

Thanks for reading! To new readers, I’m sorry – this isn’t me usually. I USED to be like this a lot more, but I’m being honest on my blog, so I need to explain this side of me, too.

From Elm πŸ™‚

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36 thoughts on “Body Confidence Or Not?

  1. I don’t know if this will help, but I often feel the same way, and it’s always the little things as well- for me, it’s “are you sure my hair doesn’t look greasy” (if I haven’t had time to wash it!) I think it’s because I know what my hair feels like when it looks okay (or what I think is okay) and if it doesn’t feel like that then I don’t really trust anyone else’s judgement because even if it looks okay, it doesn’t feel like it does… if that makes any sense? I know that’s a bit different to your post, but I just wanted to say that everyone has those moments of insecurity, and it’s always really hard to trust when people are being honest, or if they’re just not being rude.

    • That DOES help, because it shows I’m not alone. Thank you for that πŸ™‚ Like you said, everyone gets them, but I know you know what I mean when I say that it’s difficult to remember it. Just little things set it off.

  2. Hey…Elm you are beautiful, and you just go have fun and be yourself, because is what makes someone truly beautiful. Trust me, someone could be the most pretty girl in the universe but if their heart is bent on evil–then to me, they’re not as beautiful as you.
    And I TOTALLY understand the costume dilemma. I’m going a tan Padme Amadala since I apparently do not own a single piece of white clothing. πŸ˜›

  3. Elm!! What you wrote is heartbreaking to read because I think everyone can relate to it – even supermodels have insecurities about the way they look (which is ridiculous because most people would give a limb to look like them). The thing is, we’re all so worried about what we look like that we barely have time to judge other people. That’s not to say that some people aren’t judgemental (if they are, it’s their problem and not yours, because it says more about their insecurities and their worries) but for the most part people won’t even notice the small things we worry about because they’re too worried about themselves. Have a great Halloween!

    • That honestly makes so much sense – thank you, Sherina! πŸ™‚ I really hope you had a great Halloween, because I did – mostly because of these comments actually.
      That thing about the supermodels? THAT made me feel a lot better.

  4. Elm, you know that whole “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside” thing? I know it sounds like bullshit, but it’s not. Just go out there and have fun. Be yourself. Don’t worry about it. Because believe me, every other teenager out there tonight is going to be worrying about how they look too. Have fun tonight! Happy Halloween! (:
    Keelin

  5. Sometimes I feel this way, but remeber this be confident about yourself, because you are a pretty individual in your own right, and those who say/think you look ugly don’t matter, and those who actually matter, don’t care, because they love you just the way you are:)
    hope this helps,
    bye friendie!!
    mahjabeen

  6. Everyone else is saying this too, but Elm, beauty is on the inside most of all. It never matters if your hair is perfectly in place! To be honest, everyone else has this problem too. We all have those insecurities, and a number of people’s are how they look. Including me! Even if someone compliments me on something, I’m bound to not really believe them. But that’s okay, because even if it’s not true, I know they said it with good intentions because they care. πŸ™‚ Have fun at the party!
    -Amy

  7. I could just say “I’m sure you’re beautiful, don’t worry” and all that stuff, but I’m not sure it would help all that much. What I can say, though, is that we ALL feel like this sometimes. Honestly it’s so normal, you are not alone. And it will go away. Also, if your personality in real life is ANYTHING like as amazing as on this blog, then I guess no one will be being anything else except gobsmacked at how incredible you are. That personality could make up for anything – even if you had 3 noses it probably wouldn’t matter. So enjoy your evening! X

    • ARGH, thank you so much! That just cheered me up immensely. I KNOW the most important thing about me is my personality; I just need to remember that.

  8. Ugh, I totally know the feeling….except I’m sure you have it 10x worse. I was actually about to write a post about it. Confidence is so hard. But you should have no problem Elm, because you–YOU–are goshdang fabulous ❀

  9. I’m pre ttu sure everyone gets that feeling at some point, but honestly I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through since you don’t actually know what you look like. But Elm, you’ve got the most fabulous, amazing, fantastic personality and I hope soon you’ll be able to gain a little more confidence. πŸ™‚

  10. I know how you feel, and I think everyone feels that way sometimes, even the so-called “popular” girls or even guys. Sometimes I feel “fat” because apparently, I’m the only girl in my grade who’s heard of these things called hips! But I’m not actually fat; I hope you’re not picturing me as this giant hippo. I wear a size 6/7/8 instead of a size 2! And guess what?! It doesn’t matter because I feel gorgeous and have people who love me and treat me that way! And guess what? So do you! Including me! Actually I’m reading the other comments right now, and someone else has said the exact same thing. Oops! Well, they’re completely right! I love you, Elm! *sheepish grin*
    -Nikki

    • I love too, goddamnit. Thank you so much – you know, your words are just so lovely. The fact that you’re willing to write this for me makes me so, so happy. (Also, I never pictured you as fat; even if you WERE “overweight”, that wouldn’t matter).

      • Me? Lovely? Not exactly the first word that comes to mind when I think of myself… No, no, no. My words are more like messy ramblings of a crazed, obsessive (which is what they are), but if they made you feel good, then they had the intended effect. Oh, Elm! I am more than willing to ramble on and on and on, just for you, babe, πŸ˜‰ (Speaking of babe, how’s the Aspen situation coming along? Did I miss a post on this or something?) Thanks! I’m glad to hear that, though you may have to start to due the fact that I’m currently making my way through my stash of Halloween candy! πŸ™‚
        -NIkki

  11. oh elm I love you!! If it makes you feel better all my friends hung out for Halloween and didn’t even invite me. Stay strong a lot of people love you for who you are xx I mean everything I can write won’t be as good as all the other comments but YOU ARE AMAZING JUST AS YOU ARE!!! You’re funny, smart and such a good writer!! STAY STRONG XX

  12. Aw, Elm 😦 It’s awful to hear other people being strangled by their insecurities, and wanting to cheer them up so much, but not being able to because it will sound robotic and fake, coming from someone who doesn’t even allow himslef to go to the beach because he’s afraid from what others think.
    Plus, few can understand what you’re going through. You might be cursing us all, thinking ‘At least you can do something about it!’ while you only have to rely on other people to control your appearence.
    I wish I could tell you to not care, but I’d be the biggest hypocrite in the world.
    I can however tell you that the people who love you will still love you no matter how you look. If they think you look okay, then you should believe them, because they’re the only people whose opinion of you matter.
    I’m sorry for this long ass comment. I hope you had a wonderful evening and that you enjoyed yourself, because you honestly deserve no less bae ❀

  13. Oh gosh Elm, that’s terrible. I understand completely though, but being blind it must be on a whole new level…sorry I’m not helping at all! But I know for a fact that there’s no way you look any worse than I do, so if that counts as any form of reassurance. Crap I’m a terrible friend, I’ll just awkwardly leave now…but I hope you had fun anyway because you deserve it, no matter what you think.

  14. I totally get it. But sometimes, we all forget just how beautiful we are. Just plop yourself in front of a mirror and show that thing a wide grin. Beauty will radiate uncontrollably. And guess what? No side effects. :’D
    Okay, you? πŸ™‚
    Hope you had a great great Halloween. Which we sadly don’t celerate from where I come. But then again, I’m a scaredy cat so it’s all in my gavour I guess. πŸ˜›
    Anyway. I know Elm’s best at punching a bad day in its throat. πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜€

  15. Right, first of all: calm. Down. It’s ok; every teenager, sighted or non sighted, has exactly the same thoughts and feelings about 20 times a day. It’s ok; we all go through it, and yes, you’re right, being blind doesn’t help matters, because we can’t allow people to prove their points. But I promise: no one thinks they have nice clothes, or nice hair, or brilliant posture. And bluntly, not many people have perfect hair, clothes and posture. But who cares? You’re you, and if you can rock the Elm style, go ahead and bloody rock it! Already proud of you, just for writing this online… L XX

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