DO SOMETHING, You’re Gonna Fail

I’m in my English lesson.

And I got a B plus in my homework. It was a past exam question, and I didn’t try hard enough. It makes me angry.

I’m HAPPY with the result. The result is great – if you GET that result in your homework, that’s brilliant.

Here we go with the arrogant spiel. Usually, I get A stars.

I’m not angry that I got a B plus. Well, I AM, but not because it’s a B plus. I’m angry because my grades are slipping.

I used to be able to think deeply and critically, and to UNDERSTAND what I was talking about.

If I usually got a B, I would be so upset if I got a D. If it was an A, I’d be upset if I got a C. It’s not the grade – it’s the difference.

This is happening in all my subjects. Music, which I used to enjoy so much? No. No motivation. History? I feel like I’m being stifled. Right now, every single lesson isn’t like the way it used to be, where I used to love learning.

And English? I LOVE English. And why, in this lesson, do I feel like there’s a cloud over me, like I can’t do anything?

It’s not the grades. Well, it IS – what’s more important to me is my lack of effort and motivation. I just… Don’t care, and that’s bad. That’s not how it should be, because I really want to do well in my GCSEs. That affects my grades. That affects my job, my career, my life.

I need to get my act together. But I can’t. Revision? God, HOW??!! How do I get the motivation to revise everything I know, for exams I can’t stand, for mocks I hate, for things that are USELESS? Why? Why can’t I just have motivation, and not sit here doing fuck all, listening to people around me talking intelligently?

I AM intelligent. I can deal with thinking that. But I’m just so worried, because it’s going to come to the mocks and I will have done fuck all revision unless I do something NOW, but what? Nothing works for me. Nothing I’ve done so far has picked my attitude up; that all disappeared last year. Why? Was it Ash, or everything – I don’t understand because now, I’m happy.

I want to do well. I can’t be talk and no action; I’ve got to do something. I’m worried. I don’t ever want to live on benefits or be in the percentage of disabled people who are unemployed. I CAN’T – I have to make my own money.

I’m so scared. I’m going to do something though; I HAVE to, because otherwise, everything will go downhill.

Whatever you do, do something to pick yourself up, okay? Don’t let yourself fall.

What do you think? I’m concerned, and all the anxiety and downright fear I have about the future is surfacing again, like it used to, like it hasn’t in a few months. I’m at the point of curling up and shivering in a ball, because I just don’t want to end up pathetic. I want to live.

From Elm πŸ™‚

PS: The Announcement is coming up later today.

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55 thoughts on “DO SOMETHING, You’re Gonna Fail

  1. Elm, I’ll tell you what I tell my kids. (Sorry, but I’m old and have been exactly where you are and know exactly what you are feeling – everyone goes through it!) You don’t have to care. But you do have to do the work, an do it the best that you can, because one day you will find what you care about, and what you want to do well at, and you need to be ready to grab it with both hands and fly with it!! And the work IS boring and it DOES seem useless, but in the end, it will help you get where you want to go. (And, by the way, you will one day have your dream job and there will be days that seem the same… :)).

    • Your advice is amazing and the thing is, you’ve been through it, ALL through it, so you know what it’s like. Thank you for that, and for taking the time to help me πŸ™‚ You’re really lovely. I think I just need to work at this, a little at a time, so my brain gets used to the idea of this kind of work.

  2. I totally get what you mean with the grade stuff. Last year I was a little under my target for Science, and the teachers told me that they don’t usually get pupils that get marks as high as my target so I shouldn’t worry about it because it’s only a tiny bit (no joke it was 1 mark). But me being the perfectionist I am, I was really kicking myself… Hopefully this year I might get closer to my new target! Good luck to you! And remember, what happens, happens. You can’t change it once it’s happened. So try to before it has. πŸ™‚

  3. Oh, this is so sad. And I totally understand what you’re talking about, because this has happened to me very recently. And Biology… it has always remained one of my favourite subjects, but since class 11, I found that I couldn’t stand it anymore. It was a fearful thing, considering that I’m preparing for the MEDICAL exams in my country, and Bio is the core subject for that.

    Try and force yourself to study for some days, maybe you can fall in love with your subjects all over again. πŸ™‚ Thankfully, I’ve grown to love Bio again (although for Maths and Physics, my mindset remains the same. Can’t-be-bothered. It’s scary. I know. :/ )

  4. I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND ELM OMG. In my A-levels I got a C for English which sucks because I was aiming for at least a B, but the exam was stupidly difficult and on results day I felt terrible anyway and that made it worse. I still got into University but it made me so stressed out

      • Also don’t be afraid to ask for a remark. I had been getting A’s and B’s in my media past papers throughout last year and then in my exam I got a U. My overall grade was still a B but I knew this had to be wrong so I sent it for a remark, and the U went to a B which gave me an overall A.

  5. First of all, that’s brilliant – the grade on your homework! I’d be pleased with a U!!! So, let’s put it this way: you’re going through a time of maturing and growing up. There’s going to be times where you don’t know exactly what’s going on with you, and I know that it can make you feel, almost out of control. That is a horrible feeling, because if there’s one thing you know you can control in life, it’s you, and if that is taken away from you, it feels like you have nothing. In as least a patronising a way as possible, you probably don’t even realise what it is that’s making you feel, well, crap. I know that it’s hard, but I promise that, if nothing else, it’s normal, and nothing to worry about. In terms of motivation, or a lack of it, this is something that will return. Find something that you love, whether that be comedy, or music, or a Youtuber, or a book. Then, after 45-60 minutes of revision, you can enjoy that one pleasurable thing for 10-15 minutes. Make sure that you balance the subjects out though; maybe pick two for a Monday, two for a Tuesday etc, and only put one one on some days, and allow that one to be a subject where you are completely confused. In terms of revising, how about the oh-so-simple note-reading, notetaking and note memory testing. I know that you’ll laugh at this, and I used to too, but hear me out. With lists of words, like the different types of fitness, try to make a sentence using the first letters of those things. I know, they always suggest it to those who ‘struggle with revision’, and although I know that’s not you, it really does help, and is a super quick way of remembering things, and revising them again, anytime, anywhere. I hope this helped somewhat, and I hope it’s clear enough. Chin up Elm; things can only get better! L XXX

    • It really did help, along with the rest of your really amazing advice. How do you do it? I just think I need to calm down, as difficult as that may be. Those revision techniques are really useful; thank you so much πŸ™‚

      • The techniques are fairly generic, I’m sorry. In terms of giving advice (good or not), I become completely detached from any situation. Some people can do it easier than others. So, I imagine that I have never read your blog before, know nothing about you, and imagine, for example, that it’s a problem on TV or something… Maybe that’ll help

  6. I feel like you are worrying about lot of things that don’t matter. Why are you angry about your English homework grade? It was just one homework and if all of your other homeworks were good, that result won’t matter as it will just look like you had one bad homework (I hope that made sense). And you still have time before the exam to pick yourself up and revise. Is there something you regret maybe? There are lots of subjects that I like one day and the next day, I hate that subject. It happens, I feel as if you just need to take it as it comes. Just learn from where you went wrong in that homework and improve for the future – it’s better to make mistakes now than in the exam!

    • You’re so damn right. Literally, you are SO RIGHT, I need to calm down and realise it was ONE MARK. Just one. I think… I think I’m just tired. REALLY tired.

  7. Hey, it’s okay. From the comments it seems that there are quite some people experience this; I guess guessing this is quite common? I have been feeling this way too, and I’ve found some ways that are making me feel better; I don’t know if these will help at all, but uh, as you can probably tell already, I’m not really good at giving emotional support so I figured at least I can share some of my experiences (that’ll hopefully turn into some kind of sound advice)
    -don’t be so hard of yourself. moderate stress can help you do better, but when past a certain point the more stress only causes your performance to go downhill.
    -take a break. Take a walk. Or a nap. Zone out. Maybe you’re just a bit tired. Mentally tired of dealing with so many things at once, or physically tired because of the lack of sleep? (okay that’s probably just me : P )
    – try to put those emotions aside and work on a emotionally blank mind. That way you won’t kick yourself when you screw up. Also sometimes those emotions just take up too much brain space.
    – give it time. You might not see sudden improvements but when you figure the way out it’s going to get better bit by bit. Give yourself a pat on the back whenever you feel like crap and show yourself how much you’ve already accomplished.
    -okay, and this is what my doctor told me, which I somehow am still doubtful of (well, I shouldn’t.) but sounds pretty legit–” A bad grade doesn’t mean a bad life. It just reflects your state of mind when taking the exam. It. Doesn’t. Mean. A. Bad. Life.”
    (that sounds harsh with all the capitals and fullstops. Sorry, i meant to type it in italics but I forgot how in the comments.)

    Wow. Now I feel like one of those shitty inspirational speakers. But hey, as long as it helps, eh?
    Seriously though, if you feel necessary, talk to people. Maybe your teachers or your dad or the school counsellor. It’s always good to see things from another person’s perspective, and I believe they’ll understand! πŸ™‚

    • Oh MY GOD, you are bloody amazing. That advice. THAT’s IT, I’m copying that into a note and saving it. What’s this about being a rubbish motivational speaker? SHUT UP! You’re amazing at it! Never forget it. GODDAMN, I need to take that advice. And take a break. And remember to breathe.
      Talking to my dad, I think, is a good thing, or maybe the youth workers at school. Melody, you’re getting me motivated. Thank you! πŸ™‚

  8. Elm!!! 😦 This makes me so sad to read, but trust me: we’ve all been through it. Don’t let yourself fall! Pick yourself up and try your hardest. Maybe take a step back from all the work and breathe. Do something you WANT to do for a while then really get back into the subjects. I know you can do it!! I’m rooting for you πŸ™‚

  9. Elm relax okay! We have all been there! You know I did my exams quite recently so I know the stress but all you have to do is break down your subjects and have a day for each subject thats what I did and it really helped and paid off! I know what it is like to have no motivation but remember the feeling of getting an a star? Use that as motivation!

  10. Honestly, unhelpful as this sounds, the only way to make yourself do something, is to do it. Yes you might be unmotivated, but if you force yourself to do it, and work on it, the chances are you’ll start to enjoy it again. And if not, at least you’ll have got some work done. X

  11. THE ANNOUNCEMENT!!! Dun Dun DUNNNNN….
    Elm, I totally get what you’re saying. Honest, I really get where you’re coming from. I don’t know if this will help at all, but I just want to tell you to remember that you’re doing this for yourself. All of it. Social, the blog, grades, whatever. Be the best you can be, for yourself. And if that best right now is a B+, then maybe that’s okay. But maybe tomorrow that best will be different and you can catch an A-. You’ll get through this! I know you will. You’re so strong. πŸ™‚
    -Amy

    • I genuinely think that comment made my day. Amy, you are amazing. Never forget that. You just lifted my spirits and I don’t know what to say. THANK YOU, you amazing person.

  12. I kind of understand all this because the same thing’s happening to me in Maths, where I just don’t want to but I’m also disappointed about not wanting to! But I can’t imagine how hard it must be if it happens with all subjects. Maybe force yourself to get started? That sometimes works for me. Anyways, good luck, you got this! πŸ™‚

  13. This has been happening in with me too! And I find that I struggle to Concentrate as keenly as I used to in class. Although I don’t have the exam stress because we don’t do exams at my school until grade 12.. although I’ve always wondered what an exam is like

  14. I understand how you feel with the anxiety and fear for the future, I also understand how it feels to be completely unmotivated to do anything, even the things you love. When this was happening to me I was happy, yet empty. Eventually it was just like a switch was flipped and I got to where I was feeling again and actually wanted to do things that I loved. Just do your best to wait it out, everything will work out eventually.

    • I think that you’re right, and thanks so much for the encouragement πŸ™‚ I’ll get to the point where you got, and then I’ll get the motivation.

  15. I know exactly how you feel, for part of it. I’m one of those people who are very, VERY upset if they don’t receive an A+ on every paper. EVERY LAST STUPID PAPER IN EVERY LAST STUPID SUBJECT. I’ve never reached the point where you are before, but I worry about succeeding in life as well. I’m VERY ambitious; I have to be the best in everything. So I understand that. I’m sorry I haven’t been very much help, but if you ever wanna talk, I will ALWAYS be here for you. And you have our email now, so ring (type?) me up, girl! πŸ™‚
    -Nikki

    • You’re really great and the thing is, you understand, even though you might think you might not. You’re amazing! πŸ™‚ And yes, I need to email you guys more.

  16. Ughh I totally relate. I usually get A*s and if I get a B or even an A, I feel like I failed and I wory about life and that I’ll end up on benefits or homeless and idek. I hope you feel better now anyway πŸ™‚

  17. I don’t know, Elm… I don’t know. I’m downright scared, because this is far from the first time you wrote something I found totally relatable to my life.
    Like literally, I have nothing to say because everything is exactly the way I’d put it! This isn’t a bad thing by the way.
    I’m reaaaally happy that i’m not the only one who thinks like that. Let me ask you this: do your friends also roll their eyes at you when you voice your concerns about your slipping grades? ‘oh shut up, you’re still doing good enough’. WELL NO I WANT AN A CZ THAT’S WHAT I NORMALLY GET GODDAMIT. (sorry for shouting tho)
    I also have no idea what I should do. Force myself to study? Pshh, like that works. Guilt myself into it? Better shot at working, but I don’t like being guilty. I guess we just have to find some way to make us want to study. Good luck!!

    • EXACTLY! And yes, they often do, because they say “UGH, you’ve already got B’s!” But I’m like “YES but I want this grade and THIS GRADE.” Don’t apologise for shouting, you idiot! GET THE WORDS OUT!
      Also, of course you’re not alone in feeling this! I’m glad I could be relatable.

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