A Dream or a Nightmare?

HOW do I write about this? It’s already fading from my mind.

Last night, I had the most painful and heartbreaking dream I’ve ever had, and it was about Ash – my ex-best friend, who I used to be in love with; we never, ever talk any more.

I don’t remember much about the dream now, but I do remember the realistic quality of it. We were talking, and I’d met him – somehow – outside the textiles block.

I asked him “Why?” And I think it was “Why do you do drugs?” “Why did you hurt me?” and just “WHY?!” And he gave a good explanation – what that was, I don’t know.

I think our conversations went a bit like this.

“Ash?”

“Yeah?”

“Would you help me… Walk to the playground?”

“Yeah, sure, but you’ll have to tell me where it is. I can’t remember, because I never go there.” (That was a lie, because in reality, he does).

A sort of “argument” ensued where we were trying to find it, and it was a mix of the new and old Ash. I think HE was the one to approach me, can’t remember why.

I remember holding his arm, and talking about my fear of open spaces – which he knew I had – and walking with him, asking if he was going to feel awkward and worrying so much. And being with him – at one point his friend came along, and we talked for a little but he was Ash, the Ash I knew. His friend was a total dick, and I wish I remembered more.

When we got to the playground, my friend Holly (who is his friend) was there, but he ignored her and continued talking to me about all the shit we’d been through. And Wren was there and she freaked at me because she knew how much Ash had hurt me. We were all on the benches, and I think Ash was crouched on the ground and we just talked and I thought it would be awkward because of my friends – before, we’d stood at the entrance to the playground and I felt only fear, and I asked, “Is this okay?”

It was surreal, and felt so life-like – I wish I’d written about it when it was fresh in my mind. There was NOTHING romantic about the dream, but I just felt my heart breaking throughout, because part of me knew it wasn’t real.

And then I woke up, and just felt empty inside; I’d had a dream before the Ash one but for the life of me, I can’t remember it.

I’m okay now, but I’m a little sad. I sort of felt a twisted nostalgia, like I was remembering a time that hardly ever happened. It’s so, so difficult to describe.

Thanks for reading, and sorry about that. I’m not UPSET, I just remember a lot of things. I get like this sometimes, but it always passes, so don’t worry.

Have you ever had a dream that just stuck with you, or felt so real that you can’t forget it?

From Elm πŸ™‚

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44 thoughts on “A Dream or a Nightmare?

  1. YES, Elm. I’ve had that kind of dream. And ohmigod, now that I remember it, I can’t forget it anymore. Anyway, I’m glad you’re okay now. πŸ™‚

  2. I talk in my sleep so everyone else around me remember my dreams more than I do, but there was one dream that I remember vividly that happened recently, where one of my friends changed and started talking to the assholes in my year and hung out with them more and more until he forgot about me and a few of our other friends.

  3. Oh, Elm.
    When people say it’s just a dream, it’s always hard to believe them, because no matter how much you want to believe it, it feels too real. And that’s okay. I think you already understand this, but I’m going to say it anyway: You are who are because of your experiences. Would you be blogging on THIS blog if not for Ash? Who knows? Maybe not. I know how hard the whole thing with Ash was (although I don’t know the COMPLETE story because I didn’t start reading your blog until later), but it’s just going to be one of those things that shapes you as a person. That makes you compassionate, and aspire to never do that to anyone else. It’s your pain, not anyone else’s, and while that makes the burden heavier, it also makes you you. Because you know that even though good times with Ash are over, better times with better friends will come. Ash is (Inside Out reference) a core memory, one that is always going to rest in your heart, and that has created a whole new personality island, a different side of Elm. You’re a better Elm because of him.
    Elm, you’re going to get tired of me, you know! (I comment way too much haha)
    -Amy (I hope I didn’t, like, make you cry or anything- not that I have that kind of power usually)

    • Well, you nearly made me cry with happiness. That’s the most beautiful thing anyone’s ever said to me. I AM a better Elm – one of the things I’ll thank Ash for is how he shaped me, as a person. I don’t NEED closure any more (I want it) because I’m a more mature person now, thanks to him – as twisted as that is. He affected me, but I’ve grown from it.
      I will NEVER, ever get tired of you, Amy!

      • Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!! You just made my day. *cries from happiness* Yes, you’re strong enough that you can EMBRACE those memories, weird as it sounds, and be a better you because of them. πŸ™‚ AWE! Elm, I won’t ever get tired of you either! *huggggggg* XD I should be a mom haha.

  4. I hope you’re okay now! I never really remember my dreams, but last week (which wasn’t a good week) I woke up in the middle of the night crying and so, so scared because of a dream I’d had. Eventually I fell back asleep and when I woke up in the morning I’d forgotten the dream :/ maybe it’s best I had if I woke up crying!

  5. This reminded me of the time my best friend wasn’t talking to me… I dreamed that we made up. And then I woke up. Can you imagine the pain? Actually I think maybe you, of all people, can. I just really hate dreams, because they fuck with you.
    Also I apologize if I’m bombarding you with comments but that’s just what you get for being a superbly-addictive-award-winning blogger.

      • I’m literally beaming πŸ˜€ (<–see, beaming emoji) no seriously, that cheered me up a great deal.
        These dreams are better off forgotten. The most crucial moments are those right after you wake up and realize it's all just your mind being a heartless bastard; I hope you did something to distract you after that. It's also a really good idea to post about it and pour it out on your blog (ya smarty pants), I think I'm going to do that from now on.

  6. I always had these dreams ( or nightmares haha) about the boy I used to like almost everyday, it was torture honestly. I stopped having those dreams 2 months ago, I think it’s a sign that I may have moved on… Although I don’t really think I have yet honestly xD

    • Honestly, it’s AMAZING that you don’t have them any more. It shows you’re on the road to moving on, even if you’re not already there. πŸ™‚

  7. I’ve been having the weirdest dreams for a really long time now. Though I’ve not had nightmares for sometime,a few dreams really stuck with me. Both good and bad. I do hope that you’re feeling better now. πŸ™‚

  8. I literally know exactly how you feel. Dreams can be rough.
    A few weeks ago, I dreamed that the Boy I’m always talking about texted me and said that we were just friends and that he would never think of me as anything more than that, and it just broke my heart. I woke up crying, as cliche as that is. And then the next night I dreamed that my best friend kissed me, and it really messed with my emotions. I saw him the next day at school and couldn’t help but act a little strange :/

  9. Memories can be weird, especially dreams. I think it’s just harder to deal with when it’s people you miss or haven’t seen in a while. I’ve had dreams where I remember them but never any with people I knew in them, I don’t think. Oh well, hope it’s all good πŸ™‚

  10. Hey Elm, thanks for writing this. For one thing, I know how much it helps to get things down on ePaper [L’s Oxford Dictionary] and it’s great that you can, and have the platform to, do that. Additionally, it reassures me [and I’m sure the rest of us too] that I’m not going mad. It’s so relieving to hear that it’s not just me that has realistic dreams about things that I do and don’t want to dream about at the same time. I’m so proud of you, being able to write all this down, and I just wanted to loet you know that it’s ok, because your dreams aren’t real. They’re real in your head, and I know that can be hard, and they’re real in the characters who star in them. But the situations they introduce aren’t prophecy, they’re fiction. Thanks for writing this again; it’s wonderful that you can, and great that I’m not mad! L XX

  11. Oh god. Yes Elm. Yes. These are the dreams that totally fuck you over. There’s this guy…whom I used to like and that kind of klunk
    ..amd I had a dream that he was just sitting next to me and saying my name. That’s it. But for some reason, I cant get it out of my head. Am it feels SO SO real. I actually thought it had happened and expected the same thing to happen in school the next day.

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