Don’t Ever Give Up

TRIGGER FRICKING WARNING: Okay, don’t read this post if you’re affected by mentions of self-harm. Seriously. I won’t be in the least bit offended; I’d prefer it if you DIDN’T read it than if you felt awful afterwards.

Now is the time where I think I either need to call Childline or to get help because GODDAMN, I’m not giving up and I won’t let myself waste away.

I actually have no words to describe how horrendous today was.

After yesterday and the weird pleasantness of it, I wasn’t even EXPECTING today to be as awful as it was, but there you go.

I think there were several factors to it. Yesterday, I did something stupid: I looked back on the conversations I used to have with my ex-best friend Ash. I don’t know what was worse: the arguments or the lovely messages. But it made me feel freezing all over and so miserable that I could barely think. Luckily, I was talking to Aspen at the time, and he managed (just by being there) to stop my mind from truly messing up.

And today in biology, I didn’t understand the entirety of the work, which is ridiculous because I SHOULD have, but my mind hit a total roadblock. I couldn’t do anything. I just felt this pressure building in every part of me, and then a cloud of “FUCK THIS!” descended.

Stop reading now if you’re affected by self-harm.

And well, the mounting frustration and the pain I felt over Ash yesterday caused me to scratch at my wrists. Kind of badly. In the end it became almost hypnotic and I couldn’t stop, but I drew no blood. I was horrified then, and pulled my jumper down to hide it.

In English, I was so panicked and so scared of myself. My friend Holly had done something – told one of our friends that another of our friends liked them – and I thought she was going to tell other people she did that and so I snapped at her, and she freaked and I felt awful and she was angry at me (because I think that I was butting into other people’s business). I felt so awful that I had to show Wren my wrists, because to be honest, I only trust her with that part of me. She’s seen it before and I needed someone to tell me how bad it was.

Yeah. It was worse than I thought. They don’t hurt anymore but apparently I made a cut, and I explained to Wren, between working, a little bit of what happened. I felt so fragile and so horrified that I was just staring at nothing (I think) and my english teacher asked if I was okay, because he’s the only one out of the teachers who actually gives a proper shit about mental health.

I don’t want to be like this. I’m worried and angry and scared of myself. The only thing that cheered me up today was two of my friends (I didn’t even consider one of them a friend until today) randomly walked up to me at lunch and talked to me, when they often play football then. Kind of reminded me that I’m not a damn social outcast.

I need to do something. If not for myself then for you guys, because I know you don’t want me to be hurting. It’s the only thing motivating me to get this sorted. I CAN’T do this on my own, because climbing the wall to recovery sometimes takes more than one person, and I’m trying to be strong enough to admit that I’ll need the help.

It’s not serious. I WON’T pretend it is, because that’s bloody disrespectful. I’m just one person with a tiny problem, but I’ll have to fix that problem. I’m just worried I’ll snap worse before I do, but the thing is, I’m willing to try and make my mind okay again.

I had a serious conversation with Red at lunch, as well, about Ash. It didn’t contribute to the pain on my wrists because that damage had already been done, but I’m glad I spoke to him. I needed to get it out from yesterday.

Don’t worry, okay? I promise I’ll be fine at some point soon. You know me – something will happen to make me feel happy. It’s what I live for, after all. I just have my days and even though they’re getting more frequent (which scares me), I’m NEVER willing to give up the hope that I’ll be okay.

I’m not willing to lie down and scream for my life to end. I’m not willing to run round looking for attention as I would have done a year ago. I’m not willing to offload my problems onto ONE person like I’ve done before. I’m not willing to think I’m alone.

Because I’m not alone.

If you’re hurting, now, don’t lock it inside. Tell me, or post about it, or talk to friends. You’re just one person in a sea, and sometimes, you need someone to help you make the raft that will keep you afloat.

From Elm πŸ™‚

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45 thoughts on “Don’t Ever Give Up

  1. I actually almost clicked out of this because reality scares me . But I recently made a friend in the shelter and she had that exact problem and it was the reason she came there in the first place . It was hard looking at her arms for the first times but I learned to appreciate her as a person and not those scars . I want to yell at her and tell her I actually like her enough that if she ended up taking her life , I would be very affected by that . But yeah I’m glad I read this post because It’s nessecary to never give up and it’s cool to be aware of these things . And I’m sorry that happened to you , but I also really like that you’re not letting it take over your life . One of my staffs told me ,that it was okay to have a sad day , as long as you don’t get stuck in it . I’ll be here if you need to talk because I have experience this with my friend and I’ll be happy to talk if you want . you can drop me an email if you want to talk about life or just rant in general . ayeleayele@hotmail.com πŸ™‚

  2. There are much better people to talk to out there, but if you ever need me, I swear I will always be there. Unless I forget to check the email, in which case, Amy will be there! πŸ™‚ I’ve never harmed myself before (aside from scratching at my forehead absentmindedly when I’m in the middle of a book’s climax), but I’ve had thoughts that nobody likes me or needs me, but really htat’s not true and it’s so stupid and selfish of me to think that because my life is great and I’m surrounded by tons of people who love me. So why do we need these thoughts even though we know that?
    -Nikki

  3. I also hoard things like that- messages, pictures, silly things. I get it. It’s too hard to keep them yet to hard to get rid of them. I try getting rid of them but then I end up storing it away or digging it back out of the trash. But it’s good that your friends know that you are battling with this. I have never self-harmed but my friends don’t know how empty or alone I feel 90% of the time. They only talk about fun things or make fun people and I don’t like it and they stopped doing it around me which is good. But I don’t know who to talk to about the serious things that keep me up all night. It’s hard.

    • You can ALWAYS talk to me, alright? Don’t shut it inside, because I know how that feels. You’re never alone – and sometimes, talking to people who don’t know you as well is better, because they can help you under a totally new perspective.

  4. AWW Elm we all love you! You need to call child line or something when your feeling like that no one deserves to feel that way. I’m here if you just wanna talk or rant to a random πŸ™‚ hope you are feeling better, stay strong xx

  5. Elm, let me just tell you that cutting does NOT help, though you’ve probably already discovered that for yourself. I have done it a few times in the last couple of months, when I felt like everything was getting too much and I couldn’t cope with the anxiety and the pain in my life, and when I did blood went everywhere. There were so many marks all over my legs (I don’t know if you read the blog posts, it was a couple of months ago now) and then I did it again all over my wrists, again blood everywhere. It took a while for the blood to stop. Anyway, this isn’t about me. It’s about you. What I’m saying is that I did it twice and got through it and if anyone is stronger than me, it’s you, so you can get through this too. If you ever feel like cutting, just come on your blog and talk to us, read through the many supportive messages from your followers and try to stay positive. We love you x

  6. I’m so glad to know that blogging does help, and we will definitely always support you! Also ca I please just point out how quote-ish that last bit is πŸ™‚

  7. I am ALWAYS here for you if you need ANYTHING! I once saw this online somewhere and even though I do not self harm it is the best piece of advice I have heard! It basically said that next time you feel like you need o hurt yourself, instead of imagining that it is your arm, think of it as someone else’s, preferable a person you care about. It could be Aspen, one of your friends who helped you today, one of us, anybody. Just don’t imagine it as being yourself, and hopefully you won’t want to do it naymore! We all care so much about you Elm, I hope you know that!

  8. Elm, this just about made me cry. IM SO GLAD YOURE OKAY BUT DONT EVER SCARE ME LIKE THAT AGAIN! We all love you, and I know you know that, so be sure to let it out. Like you say, keeping it all in just makes it build and build and build until you break and do something much much worse. Okay, you might laugh at me for saying this, but remember that BASIC anger rule that they always teach you- JUST BREATHE! It seems so simple, but sometimes the most complicated problems have the simplest answers. Breathe DEEP and think of all the people that love you (yes that includes me don’t forget me) and all the bloggers (of COURSE this includes me) and remember that the world is really a very happy place (and no I did not just tell you to think of me. Scratch that from your mind. Honest.) and you don’t have to be upset or angry or sad. Because the only person that can really tell you what to do and how to say and how/what to feel is? You. Elm, step up to that plate and tell yourself that you’re going to hit that ball of joy right out of the park and you’re just gonna keep running those bases until you can’t take it anymore- and then you’ll come inside and spend time with your friends because you CAN and WILL be happy. I believe it. Okay I don’t have time to reread that so hopefully it made sense…
    -Amy

  9. You’re a nice person. And I know what its like to scratch your wrists so hard until it hurts, I did that until I actually bled… but that’s in the past. Anyway, I’m happy that you’re not going to give up on yourself… even if you’re doing it for us ❀
    And I have a question, I haven't really read your previous blogs, but are you going to fix things up with Ash? (No pressure though)

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