The Future Pisses Me Off

I’m a bit selfish/whatever for posting this, but meh, I don’t hate myself for it – so DAMN, that’s an improvement.

Today, in maths and chemistry, I was so frustrated and angry with myself that I kind of wanted to break my own hand?

… Yup. I didn’t do anything; I bent my fingers back a bit but just enough so that it was a warning to myself. I won’t lie to any of you – it got kind of bad with the THOUGHTS, but I didn’t do anything much. I’m getting better. Thank god.

Well, my THOUGHTS were awful. I kind of considered actually breaking my own fingers, and then asked myself what was the point in NOT doing that, but it’s okay now. Still a bit shaky, but I’m okay.

I just… Ugh god.

I don’t know what I’m doing any more. And by that, I mean, I don’t understand my work.

In maths, I sat there the whole lesson, and I swear I only managed about 3 questions. I couldn’t visualise it and the teacher who always sits beside me didn’t understand, and said I should have a basic way to orientate myself around a CUBOID FOR GOD’s SAKE, and I just flipped out and I couldn’t do any work whatsoever. It’s difficult, because I SHOULD know all this by now, but my mind hit a roadblock and my wrists felt so weak, and by the end I had enough.

Chemistry was balancing equations, and like in maths, a haze descended where I couldn’t concentrate and everything was a blur of ‘I can’t do anything,’ ‘I’m going to fail everything.’

I need to just… Get better. Be better. Have more motivation.

I’m constantly terrified now; it’s a continuous stab of fear deep within me that I can’t throw away. I have so little motivation now that I want to crawl into a hole sometimes and wait for something to come along and destroy me, but that’s RIDICULOUS because I have so much to live for.

I don’t want to live on benefits. I want a job. I get told all the time that disabled people have a higher chance of living in poverty and I’m scared, GOD I’M SCARED, because I want to have a future and I don’t want to feel pathetic.

Maths and chemistry are two things, JUST TWO THINGS, but this is happening throughout my lessons. I just can’t. Part of me has given up on myself and ever achieving anything, but I NEED to achieve. I need to. I need to make my own fucking money but if I can’t even get the energy to revise for exams because I’m lazy as fuck, what does that tell me about my life?

I’m so scared. The job factor plays into it because I’m SO unindependent and I would do something about it but I’m too scared. I’m literally scared of not passing my GCSEs, A-levels, not getting into uni, failing at a job interview, living on benefits, living in poverty, death when I’ve achieved nothing. It’s something I can’t quell, and it’s impacting on my lessons and it’s like a horrible cycle that NEVER achieves it’s purpose.

I want to be better. I want to have that spark of learning and I want to understand and I want to be normal and not have to worry SO MUCH about jobs when I’m 15, but I can’t help it. It’s an ongoing fear and it shouldn’t be, and I should just concentrate on PASSING MY EXAMS and not wanting to actually die in the process.

It’s not serious. It’s not serious. It’s not serious. I bet I’m making this up. I’m going to fail. I’m GOING TO FAIL. I have too much negativity in my life and I wish I wasn’t like this and I wish I was like my friends where they HAVE THE MOTIVATION to do things, because I don’t.

I’m scared. I just want to be different and I want to get off my arse and stop being so, so lazy and disgusting.

The world made me terrified beyond all reasoning.

Sorry. I didn’t mean for this to turn out so terribly. I’m trying to be positive but I’m just so scared because I don’t understand my lessons and I’m gripped at random points throughout the day with this awful, awful fear that I never do anything about because I’m too “tired” which is just an excuse for laziness.

Are you guys all okay? I don’t mean to ruin your day; I hope I haven’t. My thoughts aren’t even going anywhere and there’s not much anyone can do, but I know you’ll support me. Thank you.

From Elm πŸ™‚

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40 thoughts on “The Future Pisses Me Off

  1. UGH I ALSO JUST HAD A MASSIVE RANT ABOUT WHAT A FAILURE I AM! I haven’t got as far as breaking my own fingers but crying has happened (at school, in front of tons of people… not embarrassing at all) and I’m pretty sure I’ll be with you on benefits.

  2. omg.. i hope you know you arent alone in feeling like this, sweetie! like all those emotions and doubts and fears i (and i think most teenagers) can fully relate to; you’re not a failure, or anything like that (im just saying..do failures have successful blogs full of people that love them please?) .. honestly, the government (fuck me – i sound like a conspiracy theory) place too much stress and worry on our generation; theyre constantly making exams harder and pushing the importance of school on us, while telling us that uni degrees dont mean anything and how we’re meant to have our whole lives figured out when we’ve barely just started them… its all bullshit. but dont let it get you down; honestly, school and grades mean nothing – its your drive that really counts. x

  3. You are definitely over thinking. I didn’t have the best day – I have parents evening tomorrow and two teachers are fed up with me. I feel like you are putting too much pressure on yourself. You still have more or less 6 months before you start your GCSEs and you just have to do a little each day. Everyone has their own problems so don’t worry about being like your friends. I know it sounds selfish, but at the moment you should just start worrying about yourself and sorting out your own problems

  4. Don’t worry about your future too much. Focus on studying what you love and finding the career later. Remember you don’t have to do a generic job, you can do anything from being an actress to a cardiac physiologist! Xx

  5. Oh Elm. Keep you’re head up and remember how strong you are because you ARE a talented young lady, who still has a lot of time left. Just be persistent. πŸ™‚
    Keelin

  6. Seriously, there is no hope for math (for anyone)! I got to the point where I was laughing at my own grades because I knew it was bad but I couldn’t help that my teacher sucked at explaining. So I focused on the things I was (am?) good at and I made it through. Think about how you are a great writer and a spunky person and it will mean more than your “bad” math grade! I promise:)

  7. No need to worry about the future ^-^ just stay positive as much as you can and keep remebering you have lots of.people to support you:) i feel your pain with maths and sciences there such a bother but keep strong and remeber your talented in so many other ways !:) focus on them and focus on being happy thats all that matters

  8. Believe me, you’re not alone. You have NO idea about the way I worry about my future. I always think I’ll not be able to get a good job, a salary, have some self- respect and so on. I guess it’s a teen- life crisis? But you know, you have to stay positive and live in the moment. I know, it’s hard, but you can and will achieve. And just so you know, I suck at Math. Like really bad. Every single paper I give, I think okay this ones going to be better. But it always never is. But I never give up hope (okay maybe for like a week I do). So just, keep a positive attitude through life and keep moving forward. And again, don’t forget: You’re not alone:-)

  9. Elm! It’s not selfish of you to post this. At all! Everyone feels this way sometimes. It’s not just you. There’s just that time where you come to think, “This is scary! How can I ever do this?” But it’s happening anyway, and that’s okay! Because you CAN do it. I know you can! You’re smarter than your fear.
    Sorry about the lame pep talk. I’m sick from classes today. Feel better!
    -Amy

  10. Don’t worry, there’s always bad days. Try not to get so down on yourself – math and chemistry are two of the hardest subject for so many people! You’re absolutely not alone either, I had to drop my chemistry class this semester after struggling and trying my best for 12 weeks but still failing. I’m sure you’re feeling about how I was but, and I know everyone is saying this, it does get better. It’s hard, but try to focus on the positives and never lose sight of how many things you exceed at just because you encounter a difficulty!
    Blair

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