You know friendship? That’s what I want to talk about today. Instead of going on a huge rant, I want YOU to get something out of this. If I achieve that by the end of this post, I’ll be happy.
I’m not sure if this girl still reads my blog, but honestly, she wouldn’t. Because her name is Willow and she’s a stranger to me now, posting pictures of herself she’d be horrified at 2 years ago – those pictures aren’t BAD, but they’re different.
I’ve not talked at length about Willow before, but now it’s time to do that. And then, I’ll talk about my friend Wren. So, prepare for a long post.
Willow was my second friend I had in secondary school that stuck with me, the first being Pine. We were inseparable for the first three years but in year 10 – and now year 11 – she, um, just didn’t hang around. Like ever. It’s rather complicated, but she moved groups without actually telling our group because she “didn’t fit in”. And now I… FUCK, I can’t explain this. Let’s go on a tangent. With clinical bullet point thingies.
Year 8, Pine’s best friend leaves our group
That hurts us a LOT
Year 10, Willow stops hanging around
We never talk
We confront her because she blanked Wren and I
She said she didn’t fit in
Talking to her is like talking to someone trying to be popular
It makes me feel sick. And angry. And it hurts me, because people move on and I need to deal with it. Willow’s moving schools at the end of GCSEs, and she mentioned it so casually and it was like a punch in the gut. Because I didn’t know. She was my best friend and I didn’t know, so screw that. You know?
To be honest, I used to pretend we were as close as before. That’s what I told my parents, and somefriends that asked, but we aren’t. It’s like a rope snapped, or something went out of shape. She has her friends now and I CAN’T be bitter about it, because she’s Willow and I still have some messed up loyalty to her.
We’re so different now that a friendship is stupid. I want her to come to my birthday party, but if she won’t, I think I won’t be able to function for a little while. It’s awful how friendships change, but it’s okay. It’s what we all have to deal with, and we’re not doing this alone.
I’m not angry with Willow. It’s not my fault and I can’t blame myself and as much as I want to blame her, I can’t. She doesn’t care any more, but that doesn’t matter, because I know I’m not superficial and popularity doesn’t matter for shit. I told Pine earlier that I was sad about it, and she helped me a lot (thank GOD I still have her damnit.
Willow, I’m sorry. I STILL think you are a great person, but I totally understand that sometimes, people don’t work together. You’re wonderful – you’ll never read this because you’d hate me and I can’t show it – but still. I can still call you a friend, I hope, and we’re still here for each other. Always.
I have friends like Wren. Wren, who’s stuck with me since year 8; Wren, who UNDERSTANDS my problems and talks about them with me.
She’s seen me at my very worst. She saw me today, where I talked some pretty terrifying shit through with her, and she helped me and helped to sort it out in my mind. That’s what I need. That’s what WE need – a friend to help us so that the thoughts don’t get bad.
I honestly don’t know what I’d do without Wren. She’s replaced Willow, in a way – or rather, she’s filled some of the space Willow left. Wren’s got her own unique brand of friendship, and for me, that’s better than what I had with Willow, I suppose.
Thank you, you amazing girl, for always being here. Literally, you cheered me up so much today after I just sat on my own for about half an hour and if you hadn’t come along, I wouldn’t have done anything.
Guys, if you’re going through a tough time with friends, know this: it’s okay to realise a friendship is over. Don’t hold on just because you care so so much (that makes you a good person, but you shouldn’t EVER have to get hurt). You are the person in control of your heart.
You all alright?
From Elm 🙂