(Crying because I spelt PEACE wrong originally oh my god)
So I thought I’d start a little series, but it’s going to be kind of abstract. As the title suggests, I’m going to be “Making peace with the past”, and it’s going to be me reflecting on bad things that have happened, but putting a positive spin on it. It’s the only thing I can do, really, to cope.
The abstract thing about this is that it won’t be regular, because how can it be? Any time I get reminded of something that has happened before, that has made me think over what I did, I’ll post. That’s what I’m doing now. I hope this idea makes sense; what d’you think?
I went to my friend Wren’s house today. Odd was also there, and those two knew all about what happened with Birch – for those of you who don’t know, the short version is that I had a huge crush on him last year (he sat next to me in history), told him how I felt at the end of the year, he said he didn’t want a relationship, I got over it during the summer, and now, we’re here with a little awkwardness but it’s alright.
He used to ALWAYS ask for help with his homework, and I was always happy to help – MORE than happy, because I cared about this guy as a friend. Back then, it was more, but now, it’s just as a friend (for obvious reasons). I WANT him to do well in his History, because as much as I sometimes think he’s a little cold towards me, we have a strange sort of friendship and I’m loyal to my past AND present friends.
Today, he messaged me for the first time in a VERY long time, asking if I could give him a hand with his history coursework research. I said I’d help him when I got home, but I remember feeling this exasperated anger, thinking, “WELL, that’s all I’m good for?”
I’m still going to help him. The Birch situation upset me at the time, but to be honest, I still want to help him. We talk in class, perhaps not as much as before, and I’m slightly pissed off that I’m being used.
When you go through something, you often feel this stinging hurt that doesn’t go away for a while. You feel panicked when you think about the situation, mortified, or confused. I feel none of those things now, because even though Birch is funny, a great person and someone that makes me smile, I realise that I could NEVER have had serious feelings for him. It just wouldn’t have worked.
Now I realise that, it’s getting easier. The rejection part, I mean, because at the time of telling him how I felt, I was messed up from the Ash situation and the confusion over Birch and I just had no grasp over my emotions.
I’m reflecting on the situation and thinking about how immature I was, EVEN AFTER everything I went through with Ash. Then again, I don’t really care. It made me grow and dulled the pain over what I went through before. I’m glad it was Birch and nobody else, because Birch handled it maturely and wasn’t awkward, and so I could get over it more quickly than if he had ignored me totally. THAT’s what makes it not feel so mortifying, because I know that even though I was immature and had no idea what was happening in my mind, I still managed to cope reasonably well.
That’s what I’ll hold onto. Sometimes, I can’t stand Birch, but I’m still his friend. We still went through things that changed ME, at least, and it wasn’t a bad change. Remember that. With the past, you have to let it be just that: the PAST. That’s big of me to say, but one thing I’ve learnt is that if you hold onto pain, it only gets worse. Make peace with it and let it heal. Grow from it. Let it change you, but never lose sight of your morals and what you are at your core.
I have to thank Birch for letting me realise I could feel something not as serious. It’s OKAY to do that. It’s okay to let things flow, even if you end up flowing into rapids, or down a waterfall.
Thanks for reading!
From Elm 🙂
PS: This is just the start of a series, and I might have more Birch posts and other MORE serious posts coming up. What do you think of it?