You SAY you do things, but you Don’t

Here we are again, on one of my messed-up posts. I’m going to try and make this as painless and non-attention-seeking as possible, because no one wants to read that, but it might get messy.

There are a LOT of things I hate about myself, and with many of them, my ex-best friend Ash helped to feel less awful. But a lot of them are coming back, or they never left, so that’s fucking GREAT.

What the hell is the use of a blog when I don’t care about my studies? Or rather, I DO care, but I just can’t be bothered to do anything. That’s the first one: laziness. I’m even too lazy to do anything about it. Well done, Elm! You’re so gonna fuck up your future. Have fun living without a job. Have fun not trying your best. Have fun when you’re getting your results and you wonder why you did so shit.

I hate my personality. I hate it. I’m in COMPLETE self-loathing mode and I had a near-psychotic breakdown earlier, and I’m in the process of having one again. I’m violent, aggressive and I never do a thing about it. Hahaha, SENSIBLE! Oh my god. I feel on the verge of breaking.

I hate how I feel selfish. It’s never usually this bad, but I have an acute sense of “YOU CAN’T TALK ABOUT YOURSELF FOCUS ON OTHER PEOPLE!” feeling. Yup. Before, it was VERY bad to the point where I couldn’t talk about myself without wanting to lock myself away in a room forever, and it’s not THAT bad now, but I still find it tricky when those feelings come.

I hate how I’m clingy, and I always talk about my problems, and I think that my feelings come before my studies which causes me to slack, which makes me an idiot. It’s a fact. I can’t stand how I make up things in my head to make excuses for how shit and unmotivated I am, to the point where I start to BELIEVE I’ve got something wrong with me. When, um, I DON’T; I’m just unmotivated and stupid. I DON’T have a problem with my mental health and it’s so damn disrespectful if I SAY I do. Because soon, this whole thing will pass and I’ll be okay again. Again, if I could be BOTHERED to do something about it, I would. Pity I don’t have the energy. I MEAN, pity I’m lazy.

I have such bad feelings that I’m alone right now that it’s terrifying me. I used to have abandonment issues which made me clingy and the only thing – one of the only things – I thank Ash for is making that a bit better. There’s no logical conclusion as to why I feel like this NOW, but hey, I’m me.

I just don’t want to be. I want to run away and oh GOD this post is horrendous. I wish, sometimes, I could crawl out of my skin and just get a new personality because who I am right now is so so so awful. I thought I’d grown up and learned from everything and that NOW, I’d be bothered to do something about revising and passing my exams. But no. I’m sat here, by my damn self, whinging and whining about how shitty my life is when it isn’t. It ISN’T SHITTY AT ALL!

I need to lighten up and stop taking things so seriously because this is pathetic. I wish people didn’t see me like this, because I’m doing nothing to make myself feel better. I bet, in my mind, I secretly want to be screwed up or something – NO NO that’s ridiculous.

Bloody hell. I can’t. stand myself. At all.

God, why did I write this? I’m sorry, everyone. I just feel hopeless when I shouldn’t and I’m doing nothing. I say I’ll change, but I won’t. I say I’ll start revising properly, but I DON’T. I just don’t take a thing seriously and that’s disgusting and I hate myself.

Do I? Do I really hate myself? When I have people telling me I’m amazing and great. and loyal and an inspiration and I help them?

Yeah. Yeah, I do hate myself. Probably. Knowing me, it’s made up in my head. I can’t talk to my school about this, because I know this whole situation is my fault. There ARE things I can do, I KNOW, but I’m so stupid that I just don’t bother.

For FUCK’S SAKE, Elm! I’m sick of myself. The only thing that is keeping me from truly despising myself totally is the fact that you guys seem to think I’m an okay person. Thank you for that, honestly. You’re great.

This is so awful and I’m BLOODY SORRY for making you read it. I hope it’s not getting old, but I NEEDED to get this all out. I said I’d be honest, didn’t I? Honesty means the bad parts, too, even if those parts are purposefully messed up by my own self. ARGH, nope.

If you got to the end of this, thank you. You are wonderful and thank you SO much for putting up with this.

It’s hypocritical of me to say this, but if you ever feel down, know that YOU are amazing. I’m going to try and get through this stupid lack of… Motivation, because I know that’s what I’d want YOU to do.

From Elm 🙂