Let’s NOT Compare the Two

“Do you think you’re in love, Elm?”

“I… Yes. Again, yes.”

“What about the feelings you had for Ash – are the ones with Aspen stronger?”

“I’m not sure – they’re VERY different, but they’re the same strength if you think about it like that. If not stronger.”

“Yeah, but I think THIS one is better, because you had a LOT of self-hatred last time.”

“Yup. I won’t lie to you – I was in love with Ash; I’m not denying it. I mean he’s a dick and he made me feel awful but…”

“He unintentionally messed you up really badly and hurt you. I mean, Elm, you were at rock bottom and now you seem so much happier.”

“Yeah, I am. Don’t want to ever go back to that.”

That was a paraphrased conversation I had with Wren this lunch when we were queuing to get food. Before that, we’d discussed some topics that were bloody mature, which of course lead onto the topic of love. More was said, but I can’t really remember it – that was the gist.

I shouldn’t really be writing now because it’s late and I’m more or less incoherent and I hit self-loathing mode earlier, but I’m managing. I want to talk about something that makes me HAPPY.

I don’t think you can ever compare two feelings of love, or the feelings you get for two people. So, I won’t. I’ll just lay out the facts.

Ash let me experience the most wonderful friendship I’ve ever had. He trusted me. He was a lovely person and made me feel okay about myself when I wanted to just crawl away and never come back. I’ll always thank him for that.

But he hurt me. He hurt me so badly and I’m still recovering. I thought I’d be permanently screwed up and that I’d never be able to feel for someone like I did Ash. I was WRONG, and right, but mostly wrong.

Because, um, Aspen happened. Here we go with the sentimentality. Sorry about this, but this is what you get when I write at quarter to eleven.

Sometimes you get feelings that just overpower you in the best way, and you want to hold them forever. I don’t know how to explain this.

Aspen has shown me, indirectly, that I’m not totally screwed up. I CAN feel love again. I’m worth something – err yeah, I’m slowly getting convinced.

Every single damn time I have a breakdown and feel so sick I can’t actually do a thing, he’s there for me, which makes me feel RATHER guilty but there you go. He reminds me of all my good qualities and even some I didn’t know existed within me. Every time we talk, there’s a mix of humour and talking about “deep shit” – I don’t know how to say it, but I’m still surprised whenever he says “I love you”.

I wish I could talk about this better. He means more to me than I could ever have imagined and part of me doesn’t understand how I got this lucky, after the MONTHS and MONTHS of freakouts and breakdowns over Ash where I felt like my whole world had flipped over. Aspen knows about it and he can tell how bad it gets sometimes, which I thank him for. I thank him for a LOT of things.

It probably seems odd that I CONSTANTLY talk about Ash, but he was a huge part of my life and I can’t change that. He still affects me, but less so, because I have someone who can help me get through the worst of the pain. Me, thinking I was SO mature, thought I knew what love felt like when I fell in love with Ash, but that was only the surface of it. My feelings for Ash are as valid as the ones for Aspen, but they’re so different and Aspen doesn’t and HASN’T caused me confusion and pain and hasn’t broken my heart. Ash has done all of those, which is why the feelings were so different.

I won’t say either are BETTER feelings, but I’m so much more happy now than I was. I can honestly say that YEAH, I’m in love for the second time and I’m not scared of it like I was before. I CAN feel these things and it’s okay and I’m not betraying my memory of Ash. I never went out with Ash, but it still stands.

Where did this post go? I’m not sure. I’m rambling about my feelings, but I’m happy about it.

Don’t ever think you can’t feel something again, because you CAN. I’ll be here to convince you of that, along with your friends and anyone else who will listen. You’re not alone and it might hurt right now, but trust me, you WILL get through it. It’s patronising of me to say, but it’s true. Don’t give up on yourself.

I literally thought my world had crumbled when I realised I wasn’t in love with Ash any more. It was the worst feeling – or close to it – I have experienced in a very long time. But it taught me something, as everything with Aspen is teaching me something: it might look shitty now, but if I don’t get through it, I might never know what I could have missed.

I feel like this post could have been better. Soon, I’ll expand on my feelings MORE, because I didn’t really do a very good job here.

Hope this wasn’t too sentimental. for you, OR for me. I’ll probably look back on this and cringe.

From Elm πŸ™‚

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55 thoughts on “Let’s NOT Compare the Two

  1. “Sometimes you get feelings that just overpower you in the best way, and you want to hold them forever.” Awwwe, Elm. ❀ This is one of the best thing I've read today. I'm so glad you're happier now. You're such a huge inspiration to me. I don't think I've ever been so brave as you are at your age. (I sound like a 100-year-old lady there) Keep on being the brave and srong girl that you are. πŸ™‚

  2. Yaaaaaay I love love, especially other people talking about it. Because then I can still get the cute happy stuff but avoid the confusion that comes when you’re the one experiencing it… Yaaaaaaaay!

  3. I’m so happy that you’ve found Aspen. I don’t know the exact details of what Ash did to you, but I DO know that you didn’t deserve any of it whatsoever. And Aspen can show you that. He’ll give you what you really deserve – love, comfort and best of all, an unforgettable friendship.

  4. Hey Elm, I’m a new blogger and I recently followed your blog and I love it! I’m so glad you’ve been able to find happiness from someone else who’s there for you and actually cares about you too. You didn’t deserve all the hurt Aspen caused but I guess you go through difficult times because it shapes you into the person you are today. Also, there’s always something greater waiting in the future and it seems like you’ve found it. I hope things continue to get better x

    • Oh my goodness, thank you so so much! πŸ™‚ Your words just made my week, and it’s an honour to have you following me. I think, for me, things WILL get better; I bloody hope they will! Seriously, thank you again. I’m about to check out your blog πŸ™‚

  5. I can’t even describe how happy I am that you’ve found someone like Aspen. Someone who convinces you that you are worth something. Because you are worth a LOT, Elm, and I’m so glad that you’re so happy. I’ve never even met you, but I’m crying happy tears, because you’ve found something so perfect, and you truly deserve it. XX

    • You have just made my day. I don’t know you, but I feel like I do, because you’re someone who brightens up the lives of whoever they speak to. You’ve done that for ME, at least, and convinced me I’m worth something along with Aspen. I’m ALWAYS going to thank you for that, and for supporting me.

  6. Well, you started over, and that’s a hella BIG step. Choosing to move on is so tough and you took that decision and made yourself a happier human being:)

    • NO – your blog is one of the best things I have ever read. Don’t doubt yourself πŸ™‚ You’ve got a real talent for writing, I’m telling you, and I’m honoured that you followed my blog.

      • I’m SO so glad! πŸ™‚ That makes ME happy. Keep being you and I promise, you’ll get so much out of life. It’s just so amazing to see such a lovely person as yourself being so nice to someone you hardly know.

      • Aw, you’re doing the same my love. I always love creating little communities online and the only way to make friends is to compliment them. I’m glad I’ve made you happy, oh my gosh it means so much honestly, but comments like yours brighten my day. (And now i sound really cheesy but I still mean what I say, thank you for following me as well!)

      • Same! To be honest if I could make the house Ravenpuff I would, I’m not sure I’m smart enough to work out the puzzle on the Ravenclaw door each day. My inner nerd is showing, blimey, this is what it’s like to be friends with me, but what can I say, I feel Harry Potter is almost a universal language that brings people together.

      • I have a little bit, but to be honest I never truly absorbed myself in it. I read so many books by published authors I never have time. Although I would love to. I think I excel in all other parts of being a fangirl to be fair. I love Harry Potter, Sherlock, Dr Who, TMI, TID and phan. How about you? xx </3

      • Phan Phan Phan Phan. And the phrase ‘gimme books’ is literally my only thought process. Sorry I took so long to reply! I was writing my new post (unintentional plug) I’m really enjoying writing on here – I hope you don’t find my constant presence annoying!

      • Aw thank you, I’m probably cluttering up your comments box, sorry I don’t know how this works but I love talking to you. I just spontaneously wrote about how I would feel if people found my blog, because I have not been anonymous on here (which I half regret, half don’t) and yes it was just a ramble i don’t know

      • OOH, I saw it and it was AMAZING! πŸ™‚ I love your blog GODDAMN
        Do you have an email, out of interest? I’d love to talk to you outside WP!

      • Yeah of course and thank youuuuuu!!!! It is @alexandracharrison@outlook.com
        Mind if I delete this specific comment after you’ve replied, I don’t want to put my email address out here for too long. But I really want to email you too x

  7. I love your blog !!! It’s so personal and cute, and you’re so honest about it all. I feel like i know all about you. haha

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