I don’t Exactly Believe Her, but Ah Well

So, there’s this girl in my friendship group and I don’t often talk to her, but I’ve known her for years. She’s friends with my friends Holly and Fern and today, she called me a nice person.

I was sitting on a bench, eating (as you casually do) and she came and sat next to me. Just some context: we TALK, but not often; I find her nice and funny but we’re in no way close.

Except today, I think we got that bit closer. She told me about how she used to feel left out when talking to Holly and Fern, who are really good friends and always have been. How, when they split friends for a time, she told them both how she felt and they promised not to do it again if they were ever friends, and how they didn’t keep that promise and that they make her feel left out again. How she stands next to them and they’re talking and she says she feels left out, and they apologise but go back to their conversation.

This is what happens, isn’t it? You accidentally shut out a member of the group and it’s so sad. I have a problem: Fern and I are very close, I’d say, and I’ve been through so much with Holly that I trust her. So, I can’t ‘take sides’, but I listened to this girl and tried to help her as much as possible. For sixth form, she’s going to a college near Wales and won’t be here next year, and so she’s leaving everyone behind and doesn’t want her last year to be like this, where she says she’s treated like shit all the time and shut out.

And, well, I felt terrible. Without realising, I didn’t talk to her much either. I know what it’s like to sit by yourself and feel so so shit and like every single person couldn’t be fucked to talk to you and it’s horrible. I said as much, that I knew where she was coming from, and that I was always here when she needed to talk. My ‘inner Elm’ came out, which doesn’t often happen with people I don’t know that well, but I felt horrendous for her even if I wondered WHY she was telling ME. Me, the girl who sticks to her little group – but no matter; she told me anyway and I’m glad she trusted me.

I gave her a hug and talked things through with her, interspersed with bouts of humour from the others around us. I said, again, that if she EVER needed to rant or talk, I was here. I said she should talk to Fern and Holly and let them know how she felt, AGAIN. It’s tricky for her and I just wanted to help. All of this makes me sound arrogant.

It was then that she called me a nice person. “You’re such a great person, Elm! Thank you so much.”

I’m confused.

Why thank me? It’s what I’m here for, really. I don’t NEED to be thanked – to be honest, I am scared I’ll just forget about her and her problems, which makes me a BAD person. I don’t know what I was trying to do but at the time, I didn’t feel nice. I just felt sneaky and bad for not talking to her when I SHOULD have, because her being lonely has never even crossed my mind. That’s bad, right?

And, well, what if I’m just a fake? I don’t think I’m THAT nice, if at all. I STILL have massive self-loathing issues, but there you go. It can’t exactly be helped.

Guys, if you ever see someone in your group who you might overlook or who seems a little lonely, have a chat to them. Just something simple, maybe. It’ll help them, and you, cause it makes YOU feel more positive and god knows we need that sometimes.

From Elm 🙂