A Completely Biased Analysis of a Part of My Personality

Err, well then. That title’s too long and just…

I’m not sure how this post is going to turn out. Whether it’s going to be a manic freakout or thoughtful or whatever – so just warning you in advance, but I’m going to write it and see where it takes me.

I am extremely harsh on myself.

I’ll give a little example. In an argument, the last person I blame is the person who hurt me. In a test, when I have to mark it myself, I will literally never give myself full marks – not even ONE off full marks – even when I KNOW I deserve it. I think I’m being arrogant. I think I’m being selfish. It’s just something that is, but I’m TRYING to work on it.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this now. Things only got terrible inside my head in maths, when I didn’t understand something and everything built up. I know miss was going to ask me if I was okay, and I would have said no, because it’s true. I’m not. I WASN’T then – I’m a little better now, but to be honest, I think I’ve just been pretending to be alright recently. Again, it’s something I need to work on.

I’m really tired, and the thing is, I’m sleeping reasonably well. That’s not the issue. The work, my laziness, my inability to do it – that’s what makes me tired. Everybody else is doing loads of work, and I’m sat here doing NOTHING. It makes me angry to the point of self-loathing.

But back to my original point. I’m so harsh on myself that I don’t even see the good qualities I KNOW I have, that I’ve been told countless times I’ve got. People say I’m loyal, lovely, friendly, helpful, beautiful, amazing, but I just CAN’T believe them because if I do, I tell myself that’s too good – WAY too good – and I’m being too nice to myself. Which is SO FUCKING STUPID.

Whenever I get into an argument with my mum, I blame myself. I think I’m CONSTANTLY the one in the wrong – and when I don’t, I hate myself for thinking I’m right. When there are sides to an argument, I get it into my head that MY side is always the wrong one.

You know what? I don’t understand it. It irritates me, because I’m never giving myself credit. Even when I’m writing this post, I’m thinking it’s pointless and that I’m just an attention-seeker with no purpose, and that I SHOULD be doing work otherwise I’m going to fail everything.

I think my message to myself is just to calm the fuck down. I have a concentrated hatred for myself that won’t bugger off, but if I write down one positive thing about me every day, then maybe I’ll start to believe that I’m not a terrible person. Maybe I ALREADY believe it, but I’m just pretending I don’t. ARGH, see what I mean?!

I hope you don’t mind reading that. It’s just a thought process and didn’t turn as self destructive as I thought it would. Thank god.

Oh, fuck. Fucking shit oh my god.

No, no, no!

Okay NO. NO. CALM DOWN.

My dad just called me and said a present had arrived, presumably for my birthday, and that it was from S. If you don’t know who that is… Hmm… Look at have a look at this. There’s not much there, and we NEVER talk any more, but I feel so guilty and I actually can’t do this. Oh god. I’m SUCH A MANIPULATIVE BITCH! I have zero feelings for him – that’s NOT THE POINT – the point is that I screwed with his feelings jesus christ…

Alright. I’m going to post more about the S thing tomorrow to explain why I’m feeling so horrendously guilty. I feel ill and oh my god. For now, I’m just going to… Sleep. No, do homework. I have history coursework tomorrow and I feel vaguely ill and I’ve overworked myself.

I think I need to be so much nicer to myself. It’s getting… Tiresome.

From Elm πŸ™‚

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68 thoughts on “A Completely Biased Analysis of a Part of My Personality

  1. I’m here for you if you need to talk. I haven’t known you for very long, but from what I have seen you really are a lovely person.

  2. Everyone has flaws, people aren’t good people and people aren’t bad people, everyone has different sides to them ‘we have both got light and dark inside of us, what matters is the part we chose to act on’ quoting Sirius Black because I’m cool. Anyway, Elm you are not perfect – I’m not perfect, but just because not all our qualities are deemed as attractive does not make us bad people. I don’t even know if this is what you were trying to get at in your blogpost but I feel like it is important anyway. I am (struggles to compliment) I try to be a kind person, sometimes I mess up, but in general I am not too bad, but I am someone who doesn’t like to share – does this make me a bad person? No. I think you are fantastic. So freaking fantastic. You are a good person, and thinking that is not arrogant, it’s content. Okay? Okay. I think I’m done talking for like 19535753849 years.

    Sending lots of love

    Alex

  3. It’s all a working progress. Gradually, bit by bit you’ll start to see the good within yourself and on the outside too. People can say the most nicest things in the world but it’s so hard to believe them when you have such a different perception of yourself – I have this problem too. But eventually you’ll start to believe what they say because there will never be another you and that’s what makes you special in this world x

    • My god, I’m so happy that you understand. It’s so so lovely of you to say that – in time, I’m going to end up liking myself a little bit more. It’s just getting there that’s the problem.

  4. Look at your situation this way: you have a whole christmas break to do some work. Try to do AT LEAST one-two sides of revision notes a day or a past paper a day or something like that.

  5. Well it is nice to know that although you aren’t close anymore, feelings or not, that he still thinks of you enough to send you a gift! I’m not really up to par with this whole ‘S’ character but sometimes it’s nice to know that you are being thought about. xx.

  6. You’re a brilliant person, friend, and blogger: nobody can deny that, not even you. Writing down one positive thing about you every day sounds like a brilliant idea! And you know what? What’s the point in self-loathing? We only get one life, live it… Don’t worry πŸ™‚

  7. You’re fantabulous and deep down you know it! Lots of people are quite harsh on themselves but not many as harsh as you. Try to appreaciate your achievements, and when others compliment you think about it and accept them! It’ll be hard, but it’ll happen slowly. Love yourself a little, Elm. ❀

    • I’ll do my best to – it’s getting a little easier. It’s a long ladder to climb up, but I’m slowly climbing it, even if that’s an inch at a time. Posting this helped, and everyone’s comments helped. πŸ™‚

  8. Honestly you’re being rude to yourself by being too nice to yourself.
    Sometimes you have to be rude back to the negative thoughts and tell them to shut the hell up and go away.
    I mean if it’s not extreme, it could not only make the negative thoughts go away, but also show you that your strong enough and powerful enough to beat them.
    After all, a negative times a negative does equal a positive πŸ˜‰
    (Warning: I do not mean in an extreme, violent, etc. way, but I’m pretty sure you get what I mean)

  9. Buddy,
    you’re amazing. And there’s going to be tough days, if they weren’t, it wouldn’t be life. And honestly, everyone can be a little harsh on themselves.. just not to that level. But if you focus more on the good than the bad, your perception of yourself will get better πŸ™‚
    It’ll take time but then again no one said Rome was built in a day πŸ™‚
    Also, I’m always here if you want to talk, skype, email whatever πŸ™‚

  10. Oh Elm, you’re an awesome and amazing friend, person, blogger and everything else that is wonderful in this world. Please don’t be so harsh on yourself. Easier said than done but I hope you start to see the ‘good’ in yourself and praise yourself for all the hard work you’ve done because you deserve it.

    • I really hope you’re right, and I’ll try my best. Thank you so so much for always being here; you know what I go through and the fact that you STILL give me advice is just so lovely of you.

    • Hey! Thank you so much πŸ™‚ your words mean a lot to me. And I really like your blog too, especially because you’ve been so nice to me. That means a lot. I’ll try not to be so hard on myself – it’s a long ladder to climb, but I’m getting there.

  11. Girl, it’s OK to feel that way. Not everyone’s blessed with a self-confidence as high as the Eiffel Tower. But you shouldn’t be hard on yourself. You are a beautiful human being and are special in ways you don’t even know. Just, relax. And tell yourself that you are the best and that you deserve every chance at happiness. Keep repeating that until you believe it. Then you’re good to go. πŸ˜€

  12. Elm, please try and be good to yourself! You are worth loving yourself and you are better than so many people who actually take pride in how fucked up and mean they are! The world needs someone as creative, humble and loving as you! Please try, it would be a waste not to be at your 100% potential. Here’s a hug, take care!

  13. I totally understand that feeling! I always get such nice compliments and sometimes I’m like wow yeah I am awesome then other times I just am so mean to myself about how look or how I am. Depends on the day but I feel it’s more mean stuff than nice stuff unfortunately! I’m always here to talk if you need it though!

  14. A lot of the time, I do the same thing! Seriously, I always second guess myself. Remember that you have your own opinion and sometimes the other person is just going to HAVE to be wrong, because I know you’re too smart to be wrong all the time. It’s okay to think you’re right sometimes. Respect yourself! πŸ™‚
    -Amy

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