I’m Getting There

Last night, I cried for the first time without a messed-up breakdown accompanying it, and when I was on my own. Usually, I cry when people are around me and it gets quite frantic and horrible, but yesterday it was almost… Calm?

And I’m damn proud of myself.

That probably sounds weird, but when I cry usually, I get the worst headache and I want to punch something, or myself, or both. After yesterday’s horrendous post, I felt so shit and at about 11, I spoke to Aspen and he helped me so much. As in he literally talked things out with me when I was on the virge of crying and breaking down. I don’t understand how he can be here for me and be so amazing when I get like that, but there you go.

I was freaking out over my maths homework, over myself and my lack of motivation, but he helped me. EVERYTHING, from yesterday, helped me. I’ve realised I CAN change and it’s okay to feel like this, and even if I’m scared, I can get through it.

When I got off the phone to Aspen, I just cried.It wasn’t the manic crying I usually get: I just felt tears sliding down my face and I let it happen without choking and without clenching my hands into fists. I just lay there and cried for a little while – not too long because the tears stopped after a little. Does that mean it didn’t affect me? No – I felt terrified, alone, empty – but I didn’t feel violent.

That makes me happy. Maybe it was just for yesterday, but I think what Aspen said to me sunk in. What YOU guys said to me sunk in. At the time of speaking to Aspen, I did feel quite unhinged and just so sad, but then, it got better. It usually doesn’t, but then, it did. For some reason. I think I’m getting… I wouldn’t say better, but I’m getting there.

Today, I walked into school and just thought, “Oh, fuck this. I need help.” Help, I mean, for the past paper. Instead of just ignoring it and shaking like a leaf like I usually do, I walked into the back room of the VI (visually impaired building for le blindy people OKAY NO I’m never referring to it like that again), stopped for about 2 minutes, then walked back into the front and asked for help.

Guys. I asked for help. Whereas I would often feel like crying and feel horrendous for doing it, NOW, I felt okay. Not GOOD, but okay; I got the nerve and stuck with it.

True, the paper’s due tomorrow and I could have asked for help before, but with me I have to gear up for asking for it. I may get yelled at tomorrow for not doing the entire paper, but it’s mostly because the teacher doesn’t understand the hatred I have for myself when it comes to things like that.

It’s one step at a time. This one’s just small, but I managed to break past that barricade of thought that stopped me asking the teacher to help me today. It might be too late now, because I can’t ask for help as it’s due tomorrow, but I managed it today.

I managed it, thanks to you guys and your words and thanks to my thoughts not going haywire on me. It was weird yesterday to not go to bed despising myself as I did before, because after my crying, I didn’t feel drained: I just felt… Okay. I think.

Thank you. I’m not perfect, but I’m taking it a little at a time. I wish I’d gone through this all sooner, but I didn’t, and I’m just going to have to live with it.

I WILL be okay. In time.

From Elm πŸ™‚

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73 thoughts on “I’m Getting There

  1. Reading this inspired me. I’m usually afraid of asking for help. It makes me feel like a loser. And I’m having this problem with this paper that’s due tommorow, my back is against the wall. So, I’ll follow your step and ask for guidance on it. Thanks Elm.

    • Any time; you deserve to get help. Don’t be scared – we all need it sometimes. And you’re not a damn loser, I promise you that. You’re great. I’m so happy that I inspired you πŸ™‚

  2. Literally all I can say is well done! I am so proud of you, and you are getting better, trust me. The improvement is there. Xxx

  3. Elm you are NEVER EVER EVER worthless or alone okay ?? You have so many people in this world who care about you and your a very special amazing human being ❀ never ever ever give up , we all need you!! Just keep swimming girl xoxox

  4. Of course you’ll be OK, and of course you’ll get through it, because you’re a strong person. You may not see it, but I do, and having known you for 5 years (scary…), I would say I’m in a position to be able to say that. You’re strong, and determined, and I know that you can achieve anything you put your mind to, and if that’s to get better, and not hate yourself, then I know you can do it. I don’t think you can do; I know you can, and that’s completely different. I’m so proud of you, for asking for help. Hell, I wouldn’t have asked, because I know I’d get shouted at, and assumed incapable, which in many ways I am. I’m proud of you for writing about this, and for crying last night. It’s hard to cry, and feel OK after it, but it shows that it was necessary to cry, and that you needed to cry. The fact that you recognised that need, and acted on it is amazing; that’s why I’m proud of you. XX

  5. ELM I’M SO PROUD
    It makes me so happy that our words made a difference. Also, thank god for Aspen.
    On another note, I’ve just been talking to one of my best friends about you. She really couldn’t believe how on earth you managed to blog and talk and be weird like any person (I mean her mind was literally blown). She that this is awesome, that she hopes this technology will be able to help more and more people (especially here because the state of health care is desolating); and she wants me to tell you that even though she doesn’t know you she feels really proud and she admires your strength and hopes you continue doing what you do.
    Oh, and I agree.

  6. Super proud of you for asking for help! It takes a lot of courage πŸ™‚ I am super happy your taking steps to help yourself becauss you deserve it , your a strong and lovely person and you deserve to feel ok πŸ™‚

  7. “Le blindly people” wow elm you have a way with words darling xD
    But seriously go you! I’m so proud of you for finally asking for help (which is a totally okay thing to do)

    • And I’m always willing – more than willing – to listen to you, whenever you need it! We ALL deserve to be happy and to not have those days.

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