Last night, I cried for the first time without a messed-up breakdown accompanying it, and when I was on my own. Usually, I cry when people are around me and it gets quite frantic and horrible, but yesterday it was almost… Calm?
And I’m damn proud of myself.
That probably sounds weird, but when I cry usually, I get the worst headache and I want to punch something, or myself, or both. After yesterday’s horrendous post, I felt so shit and at about 11, I spoke to Aspen and he helped me so much. As in he literally talked things out with me when I was on the virge of crying and breaking down. I don’t understand how he can be here for me and be so amazing when I get like that, but there you go.
I was freaking out over my maths homework, over myself and my lack of motivation, but he helped me. EVERYTHING, from yesterday, helped me. I’ve realised I CAN change and it’s okay to feel like this, and even if I’m scared, I can get through it.
When I got off the phone to Aspen, I just cried.It wasn’t the manic crying I usually get: I just felt tears sliding down my face and I let it happen without choking and without clenching my hands into fists. I just lay there and cried for a little while – not too long because the tears stopped after a little. Does that mean it didn’t affect me? No – I felt terrified, alone, empty – but I didn’t feel violent.
That makes me happy. Maybe it was just for yesterday, but I think what Aspen said to me sunk in. What YOU guys said to me sunk in. At the time of speaking to Aspen, I did feel quite unhinged and just so sad, but then, it got better. It usually doesn’t, but then, it did. For some reason. I think I’m getting… I wouldn’t say better, but I’m getting there.
Today, I walked into school and just thought, “Oh, fuck this. I need help.” Help, I mean, for the past paper. Instead of just ignoring it and shaking like a leaf like I usually do, I walked into the back room of the VI (visually impaired building for le blindy people OKAY NO I’m never referring to it like that again), stopped for about 2 minutes, then walked back into the front and asked for help.
Guys. I asked for help. Whereas I would often feel like crying and feel horrendous for doing it, NOW, I felt okay. Not GOOD, but okay; I got the nerve and stuck with it.
True, the paper’s due tomorrow and I could have asked for help before, but with me I have to gear up for asking for it. I may get yelled at tomorrow for not doing the entire paper, but it’s mostly because the teacher doesn’t understand the hatred I have for myself when it comes to things like that.
It’s one step at a time. This one’s just small, but I managed to break past that barricade of thought that stopped me asking the teacher to help me today. It might be too late now, because I can’t ask for help as it’s due tomorrow, but I managed it today.
I managed it, thanks to you guys and your words and thanks to my thoughts not going haywire on me. It was weird yesterday to not go to bed despising myself as I did before, because after my crying, I didn’t feel drained: I just felt… Okay. I think.
Thank you. I’m not perfect, but I’m taking it a little at a time. I wish I’d gone through this all sooner, but I didn’t, and I’m just going to have to live with it.
I WILL be okay. In time.
From Elm 🙂