The Smaller Part of Me

Trigger warning for mentions of self-harm; this is a hopeful post, though. If you ever feel how I felt, you’re not going through this alone if I have anything to say about it.

A huge part of me wants to blank out what happened today, but a small part of me just wants to remember and scream and cry and let those emotions out.

The large part of me wants to forget the uselessness of how I felt in physics. It wants to forget the violent anger I had at my teaching assistant, when she hadn’t had time to adapt work for me because of my crappy eyesight. It wants to forget that even though it wasn’t her fault, I felt miserable and felt like crying and yelling at her and THAT’s why I was so upset; it wants to forget that the teacher said I should ask my parents for help over the holidays when they don’t understand that’s tricky. It wants to forget that I felt choked and scared and that I could barely do any work, that I felt so frustrated because everybody else understood it, that I was shaking like a leaf with the dawning horror that I am failing at this. It wants to forget that I sat there, for 10 minutes at least, doing nothing because I had literally nobody to talk to and I was too terrified to speak to anyone even if I wanted to.

It needs to forget that I wanted to wrap my hands around my throat and squeeze until I choked, that I applied pressure to the front of my neck so that I felt short of breath, as a PREVENTATIVE measure. It needs to forget that I wanted to break my wrist, my hand, that I bent my fingers back to try and stop myself. It needs to forget that in maths and then physics, my wrists felt weak and I hated everyone and everything, but most of all myself; it needs to forget that I wanted to scream until my throat caught on fire and twist my wrists so hard they snapped.

But you know what, Elm?

Wanting and needing doesn’t always get. You try to forget, and you do it again. You forget and you can’t be strong from it.

If you knock down those foundations, however weak they are, you can’t EVER build on them and make them better. Your house is going to collapse; you’re going to fall over. It’s how it works.

GET UP, Elm. You’re stronger than this.

The small part of me is thinking that if it cries, it will go psychotic, but it’s better than blanking it out. Blanking it means it’ll come back MUCH worse next time.

So, I’ll cry, when I need to. I’ll put my hands behind my back and let the tears fall, WITHOUT going mental on myself. It’s how I calmed down last time. I may still hate myself, but damned if I’m letting anything happen to me, because I know you guys don’t want that. You’ve shown me, time and time again, that you care.

You’ve got two extremes: forgetting about it totally, and remembering it so much that it does damage. I’ve always had difficulty balancing those two, but I’m trying. Now, I just need to collect my thoughts: I’m truly scared because I didn’t understand the work today and I had some pretty bad thoughts, but you know, that’s what happens sometimes.

If you’re going through something similar to this, or you blame yourself for ANYTHING, know that you can always talk to me or anyone else you trust. I don’t care WHAT your story is, what you’ve been through – I’ll ALWAYS listen and not judge you, because I have no right.

Today was a lesson for me. Hopefully, I’ll learn from it.

I need to listen to the smaller part of myself.

From Elm πŸ™‚

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39 thoughts on “The Smaller Part of Me

    • Hi,Thank you so so much! :I think I’ll take you up on that offer. And if YOU ever need to talk, you can always talk to me. Thank you for being here. I know you understand what I mean about the bad thoughts and how they affect you.

      • i’m so glad you understand! nobody else seems to. we’ll make a deal, if you’re ever upset you can talk to me, if I’m upset i’ll talk to you. you have my email if you need me πŸ™‚

  1. I’m glad you stopped yours

    I’m glad you stopped yourself before anything bad happened. I have a habit of, when I get bad thoughts, I tend to bite my hand until red marks appear, instead of screaming out loud. I know its bad, but I cant seem to stop. I’m kind of in the same boat as you. Xx

    • I totally understand that. But remember, if things get bad, then you can tell me, or put your hands behind your back. You’re amazing, and don’t deserve to be hurt. πŸ™‚ And don’t worry – I get how you feel.

  2. I know exactly how you feel, I felt that way too much before… You can always talk to me, you know that… I know you don’t do it… And I know I’ve said it before, but I care, and I want to listen to what you have to say… I want to help you… Because it’s not fair that you just help me

  3. Life is like a hike, there will be scary difficult mountains but there will beautiful rivers and you will feel amazing. I’ve had a few mountains in my life and I’ll have more of course but I think of those beautiful rivers and I work for them. You’re beautiful and you’re one of my inspirations. It’s okay to have mountains. Write and cry about them. It’s okay. I have.

  4. Elm

    You are strong. And I think sometimes that mental strength of yours – how you feel so much and know so much can make you feel like everything is too much and I am so so sorry you feel so sad and angry sometimes. You are getting through this, it may be slow at first, but sometimes things just click. And I know you won’t believe me, but things really change. Everythings changes. And goddamit why can’t it be good change? Because you can do this! Stay motivated and positive, I am always here for you. If you just want to chat about random crap or if you want to talk to anyone about all this.

    Lots of loveeee

    Alex x

  5. You’re amazingly strong and I think that as well as all of us but now you can see that you’re strong enough to move on and get through things like this. YOU CAN DO IT!

  6. I completely understand, I’m there all the time with my school. Just don’t let it get to you that much (easier said than done, I’m aware) and honestly, I’d just laugh at their idiocy. LAUGH IN THEIR DAMN FACES. I do that now – it makes them understand that I’m irritated, not always at one particular person – and that they need to change. IDGAF your way through the hard times, Elm!

  7. Elm, in this battle between these two parts of you, you really need to never stop fighting! Fight the negative, depressing, self loathing/harming part, because you know what? YOU CAN! I’m so proud of you that you found the strength to stop, now you just have to try to get less in that kind of situations!

    • And I’ll try my DAMN BEST, for you guys, for myself, because I need to. It’s just a case of destroying one more thing that hurts me, after I had the strength to subdue the first.

  8. Elm you’re a bit of an inspiration to me because no matter what happens to you, you always find a way to get through it and help others. You always try to help everyone and that’s amazing. Stay strong elm like I know you will

  9. Elm.

    I would refer you to a warrior in a battlefield. There’s only to choice to battle or to lose. To battle means fighting all that negativity in your head, self harm. To lose means to let these things conquer you and I say your battling, but here’s a little push! YOU CAN DO THIS ELM! YOU CAN! WE WILL SUPPORT YOU Til THE END OF THE RACE! Stay strong.! πŸ™‚

  10. Elm.i totally get you. When things get tough u feel like like vanishing and wishing that nothing happened but trust me the only way you can through complications in life is to face it and believe in yourself.Your a tough person. I have had my little history of wanting to to choke to death but today i feel like a stronger person because i believed in myself. That’s all you have to do.Although i haven’t really done this i think you should try it keep a little quote for yourself, a motivational one and remember it soon you will believe in it and you will feel better as the days go by… I believe in you and you are an absolutely strong person. So get out there and be invincible. πŸ™‚

  11. Yes. You are strong,Elm. And don’t forget, you’re bever alone. There are people out there who love you and care for you and people who would blame themselves if something happened to you.

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