A Jumble

I’m not in the mood to write this kind of post, but EH, screw it. It’ll be short because I’m tired and I’m SUPPOSED to be sleeping (Rebel I know).

I know my dad’s worried about me, because he asked me if I was sad today. I said I was alright, that I’d manage, that I was just tired – but I KNOW he knew there was something up. He distracted me from it, which helped a little.

But, this is weird. I don’t KNOW what’s up. Or rather, I do, but it’s too stupid to explain.

Today, I cried over Ash for the first time in a very long time. I was speaking aloud, to try and get my thoughts in order, and I just… Cried. Ash was my ex-best friend,and I know I go on about him a LOT, but I can’t help it.

A year ago, Ash was everything to me. How am I supposed to erase that part of my life? I’m not ashamed of it – just so, so sad. That was a beautiful friendship for three months, then it went to shit and carried on going downhill. I’m half glad it’s over because he’s horrible now, but I miss the old Ash.

For now, I’m going to stop thinking about him. It’s safer, because that empty space I seem to have inside of me just feels hollow. Usually, I’d want myself to think about it, but not now. It’s not needed.

Is THAT why I’m upset? Perhaps. Maybe it’s because my sister’s having one of her bad days. I haven’t explained about her, but I’m too scared in case my dad finds out. I heard she was sad, so I got sad, then got angry for feeling sad, I also felt sad because I snapped and was rude to my mother and didn’t talk at dinner. THAT was just horrible of me.

Hmm, I’m alright. I’m not sad any more – missing old friendships, confused and trying to calm down my nasty temper I ALWAYS seem to get at the slightest provication, but I’m okay.

See what I mean – this post is short, and disjointed and jumbled, but I’m so fucking tired. I’ve got no right to be sad, and I’m NOT sad, but I think I need sleep. I’ll write WAY more coherently tomorrow.

Dad just came into my room, saw I hadn’t got changed, and I know he thinks I’m lazy/hopeless. It kind of makes me disgusted, though I’m too tired to hate myself right now.

Thanks for reading, everyone. How was your day – I feel like I’m ALWAYS talking about mine.

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32 thoughts on “A Jumble

  1. It’s your blog! You talk about whatever you want, even if it is disjointed and jumbled. I can understand how it hurts to lose something that meant so much. When people are everything to you, you really care about their opinion and this precious relationship you have. I can’t offer much helpful advice, only to try to relax and focus on the people in your life that make you happy. You’re okay and everything will be fine, I promise.

    • Agree with Alex! it’s your blog, a space for you to talk about anything you want to talk about including yourself. I thought I’d share part of a poem by Sarah Kay, called “B”:

      There’ll be days like this,
      There’ll be days like this, my momma said,
      When you open your hands to catch and wind up with only blisters and bruises;
      when you step out of the phone booth and try to fly and the very people you want to save are the ones standing on your cape;
      when your boots will fill with rain, and you’ll be up to your knees in disappointment.
      And those are the very days you have all the more reason to say thank you.
      Because there’s nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it’s sent away.
      You will put the wind in win some, lose some.
      You will put the star in starting over, and over.
      And no matter how many land mines erupt in a minute, be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called life.
      And yes, on a scale from one to over-trusting, I am pretty damn naive.
      But I want her to know that this world is made out of sugar. It can crumble so easily,
      but don’t be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it.

      It helps me feel better on days when nothing seems to be going right, and I hope it helps you too πŸ™‚

    • You can’t offer much helpful advice? Well, THAT was bloody helpful. You always are. I think I need to focus on the people in my life who make me happy NOW, rather than focusing on those who USED to.

  2. Every time I read a post mentioning Ash I just feel a little angry because you DO NOT deserve anything like that happening. Get some sleep x

  3. Sigh, I’m on my phone right now and I was rudely interrupted by the reply button xD as I was saying, it’s completely fine to be sad, you lost someone you care about and it’s OKAY to mourn about it. And don’t feel bad about talking about your day/feelings πŸ™‚ it’s your blog and it’s all about you. Feel better ok? 😊

  4. I know how it’s like to miss old friends but when you really think about it, you practically miss people who are now different. So even if you’d like to give it a shot again you won’t be able because time changes everyone and you might find yourself talking to an absolute stranger. So if things ended between you two, it’s probably because it was meant to and because you two don’t resonate anymore. So it’s okay to snuggle yourself with memories, to look back and smile, but don’t project that into your future because you might end up dissapointed. Hugs! And make up with your parents, they love you more than anything!

  5. Boy, I’ve been here before. In a state of thinking about something that I know I shouldn’t be. The past has that tricky glow about it. It just seems so much better than today when in reality it’s probably not. It was what it was and today will be what it will be, you know?

    Great post. I totally relate.

    • And a great comment πŸ™‚ I think sometimes, we just need to let things go. They are what they are, and we are what WE are. Nothing we can do.

  6. Elm, it’s okay to remember Ash! He was a huge part of your life! You’re never going to erase him. You just have to learn to accept the past and let it shape you as a better person. It won’t go away, but maybe it will become less painful, with time.
    -Amy

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