Heyy, screw the hiatus; I NEED and want to post.
I went to blind camp as you guys know, and had an amazing time. L was there, and we sent interesting and hilarious voice messages to Anthony. Sorry about that hehe. I put makeup on, and laughed like crazy. And I ALSO met this person who L has trusted with his blog, and I can see why, because he’s great.
But this weekend, I learned possibly the most horrible lesson – it was one of absolute guilt at myself, because I realised a horrible flaw in my personality that I’d never really taken seriously, or seriously ENOUGH, until now.
There was a boy in the summer – someone I called S. The day after I broke up with my two-week-relationship internet boyfriend, I kissed the boy. We talked for two months, and then didn’t because I just… Couldn’t deal with it. I was a COMPLETE idiot. I hurt him and I knew it, but I didn’t realise how MUCH until now. I overlooked it, I suppose, carrying on with my OWN life and not bothering to text him, talk to him, message him, for three months.
And on Friday, I said hey, and then ensued a horrible and painful conversation. There wasn’t an argument, but I got hit – and I’m still shaking from the most horrific sense of guilt I’ve ever felt. I said I would “make an effort” to talk to him – bad word choice- but I’m terrified and I have NO idea what’s wrong with me. I was almost frantic and I kept apologising and it was a mess of emotion from my end.
In some ways, it’s even worse than what happened with the Ash situation, because S. did absolutely NOTHING and it was me who did all the manipulating, bitching, HORRIBLE things. I wouldn’t have put this past me a YEAR ago, but this was THREE months ago: when I thought I’d grown up, matured; when all I. wanted was to make people happy but I was making someone miserable right under my nose. It makes me so upset now that I feel like screaming and crying.
GOD, I feel guilty. I hate those people who twist emotions and fuck with people’s feelings, but I seem to have turned into one of those – or I WAS. Even when I was trying to be a good person – AFTER the Ash situation – I had no excuse. I was scared of long distance commitment, so I switched myself off to his feelings, I suppose. That makes me sick.
There is ALWAYS something you overlook and you can’t be perfect, I know that, but in the hell I went through last year with Ash, I thought I’d at least know or realise when I was starting to mess with someone’s feelings, so I could STOP that manipulation and try to set things right. In this, I can’t, because S and I are messed up because of our previous “history”.
I don’t know what to say. I wish I’d handled all of this differently, because that’s a REAL PERSON I’m hurting, and I’m not removed from the situation. I have to admit the horrendous parts of myself so I can start to rebuild them, to FIX them, because GOD I DON’T WANT TO HURT ANYONE ELSE, though I will without meaning to, caught up in some emotional high or low.
You’re always going to find a flaw, and you can’t fix all of them, but you’ve got more positives than flaws. I need to build up my friendship with S, WITHOUT neglecting my other friends as I’m wont to do – I feel so horrible about that, too.
I can’t fix this, and I don’t want things to go back to the way they were before because I love Aspen, but I can TRY and sweep up some of the mess I’ve caused.
S, I’m sorry. I’m so goddamn sorry.
Have you guys been okay? Again, I’ve got to revise but I NEEDED to post.
From Elm 🙂