Hey, Let’s Ponder the First Time My Heart Got Broken!

SCREW that title.

I’m feeling oddly bitter today, and synnical and also unloveable/unaffectionate, if that makes sense. Prepare for a lengthy post that will just go round in circles. WOOOOO πŸ˜€

I feel quite sick. Not physically but emotionally, like something’s crawling through my insides or clenching the emotional part of my heart. That makes no sense, but I guess I just feel ill with myself. And guess what? I don’t bloody know why.

I think I’m frustrated at people, and how people think. It all started when my friend Holly told me that one of our friends “wants to experience the feeling of having your heart broken.” She understood how ridiculous that was and then I went on a tiny rant, but I couldn’t rant to her even though she knew what had happened. Actually, I don’t even know what happened; I only remember feeling my world flip upside down as I grew the hell up. I thought I’d grown up before, but I was wrong; I did childish things even in May but THEN I grew up. Goddamnit.

Heartbreak teaches you things, guys. It helps you in a way. But you know – you DON’T WANT to feel it. Why would you put yourself through that? It seems poetic when you haven’t gone through it, like it’s some sort of journey, but it isn’t. THAT’s why I’m bitter, because now I’m remembering things that weren’t even serious.

When you’ve had your heart smashed, left at the side of the road, kicked and put through a blender, you end up feeling sick when you remember it all, ESPECIALLY when the person didn’t even know they broke your heart. It’s sad when I think on it now, REALLY sad, because I haven’t grown up yet. We never will; we’ve still got lessons to learn and we’re going to get hurt and the fear of that ALSO makes me feel ill. It’s how life works – how WE work, and we just have to live with it and take it as it comes.

Where the hell is this post going? I don’t know. I’m irritated because people just don’t understand, but neither do I; I don’t often understand the things my friends go through. The heartbreak thing – it’s bothering me. One of my friends seems to think that love can fix everything, but it can’t.

Love’s an emotion, carried by humans with HUMAN emotions. It’s not infallible, because WE’RE the ones feeling it. Love’s not some magical thing, because it just is; heartbreak isn’t an adventure, because even though you learn from it, you want to scream and cry and burn things when it’s happening.

I’ve got the best boyfriend I could ever ask for, for god’s sake, but for some reason I’m unhappy right now. Like I’m twisted or something, or my heart’s gone on holiday for a while. I’m not sure where this all stemmed from, because by ALL logic, I’m happy. I’m content and I’m NOT considering my first heartbreak or feeling cynical about everything, or getting angry at people who don’t understand even though that’s hypocritical of me. But I AM feeling those things.

Is it okay to have bad days? Is it alright to feel as though those shitty “wounds” that my heart decided to have opened again, for NO reason. I’m not all that upset about Ash right now, just sad because I’m hurting. That’s weird, right?

Sorry, it just occurred to me that you guys will be reading this, but that doesn’t bother me. I’ve learned that it’s okay to post this because who’s judging me? I need to let it out. I’m scared to tell my friends because I don’t want to ruin their evening with something worthless, old, not important enough to be mentioned because IT’s OVER.

I still feel bitter and sick and my heart’s thumping rapidly, but why? WHY am I not okay, and why now? ARGH. Rationally, this is stupid, but your heart isn’t rational.

Are you all okay? I miss reading your blogs.

From Elm πŸ™‚

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47 thoughts on “Hey, Let’s Ponder the First Time My Heart Got Broken!

  1. Yes Elm, it IS okay to have bad days. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be human. And YES you’ve got the best boyfriend in the world, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have bad days either. He’ll just be there to get you through them. Just like we are.

  2. Can sooo sympathise, literally still cry sometimes about a heartbreak from years ago;) Hope you feel better tomorrow, its a new day:)

  3. I think it might just be a ‘teenish’ thing to feel sh*t for no reason whatsoever. We all feel like that sometimes – It will pass πŸ™‚

  4. Of course it’s okay to have bad days. No matter what good things you have it is always okay to have bad days and everyone else has them too.

  5. its perfectly okay to have bad days! everyone has them, its just a part of life. and heartbreak of any kind is horrible! i’m so sorry you went through that, especially since he doesn’t know what he did to you. 😦 i hope you’re doing well!

    • I’m doing okay I think – thanks so much for that comment πŸ™‚ It’s horrible but I got through it the first time and I’ll get through it now.

  6. Why not tell that friend of yours to stand in the middle of the road and be hit by a truck! Then what ever pain she feels multiply that with a billion and she’s not even know 1/3 of what heart break feels like! I am happy you have a good boyfriend and that he supports you! And yes its life you have to handle things yourself! I am sure u’ll sort it out!

  7. You’re literally the coolest person ever. Frick. I don’t want to comment how it’s all good to have bad days, which is true but sounds kinda phoney. It gets like 3000000 times better though, I promise. x

  8. Oh Elm, I’m sorry you’re having a bad day, but we’re all here for you. ❀ Okay, I know things like this can sound meaningless to me when I’m having a bad day for absolutely no reason, but it will pass. *sends hugs* *wonders if she sends hugs too often but does it anyway*

  9. This almost feels like you’re reflecting on what happened. Pondering the past isn’t bad; it’s necessary; it allows us to move on, and not leave parts of ourselves behind in the past. It’s the present now, and now it’s the future, and now it’s the future again. The past is the past; it won’t move, or progress into the present. It can’t be altered by the present, unlike the future. So, if you can’t alter it, accept it. Don’t forget, accept. Accept that your heart was broken, because it happens to the best of us. Accept that heartbreak exists, and then refocus on now, and tomorrow, and the day after that. XXX

  10. Awh elm, we all have bad days, and some of those bad days can be worse than others. Sometimes it’s better to just let it out, not to bottle everything up. I think that being upset for now real reason is one of the side effects of being a teenager. One of the things that we have to live with, that will probably happen to us as we get older and wiser as well, but once they are over, you just have to think to yourself that it is a new day and a fresh beginning to that. Xo

  11. It seems like you’re just going through a phase.And yes, we all have bad days, and without them, you wouldn’t appreciate the good ones.But never allow yourself to remain in that time when you were feeling low. There’s much more to life than the bad days…. you’ll be alright! πŸ™‚

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