“Is Elm Up to Her Little Games Again?”

I’m done. Absolutely, fucking, irrevocably done.

FUCK.

I’m sitting in French, next to Fern and next to her is Willow. Willow was (IS?) one of my best friends and I trust Fern. And literally all I know is that I hate myself.

Elm: Heyy Fern?

Fern: Yah?

Elm: I, urm, was talking to Holly when she sent you a particular message…?

Fern: Fuck’s sake.

Elm: Well what do you think of her?

Fern: Oh nothing you’ll just tell her anyway. (She didn’t say that in a mean way, just stating a fact).

Elm: Oh okay.

FUCKFUCKFUCK

I’m sick with myself because it’s probably true. I spread rumours, all the time, spreading spreading spreading until BANG some shit happens, then I go weeping to my friends like a pathetic fuck.

How can I act like a good friend when I’m KNOWN for doing things like this? For talking to someone, then telling someone about it, over and over? I did it to Ash, Holly, Fern, even RED for god’s sake.

I most likely feel so shit because Fern and Willow are talking and I feel left out. Everyone is laughing around me and I’m sitting here moping with my ears burning and my eyes feeling like they’re going to spill over and it’s DAMN WELL PITIFUL. Ash is in this room and I talked about him with Holly too. God I feel like crying. God god god god

I am DISGUSTING. I am unhinged. What shit I did in the past is catching up to me AGAIN, all the rumours I unknowingly spread and all the stupid things I did.

I thought this was behind me. I thought I could go on trying to be nice to people and helping people but there’s a thin line between that and being A FUCKING RUMOUR-MONGER and crossing the line is something I’ve done. Hahaha good job.

So this is what people think of me now, right? Elm, the rumour-spreading can’t-keep-a-secret BITCH? Shit, and they’d be right. They’d be so damn right. And at least I can admit it, but now I hate myself so much that I want to scream.

I’m jealous of friendships and I want to punch someone and I’m hurting and I HATE writing those posts!

Why did I say anything? WHY do I think it’s okay to say things like this, to talk to someone and juggle friendships and pretend people are my friends and go behind their backs and be horrible and BE ME?! WHY am I so argumentative and upset by this?

I’m really sorry. I just feel so sick because the image of myself I KNEW is shattered. I’m not known as the kind one; I’m known as the backstabbing one. People WILL NOT trust me because I always do this.

I feel shitty now because helping Holly out meant that Fern no longer trusts me. Nothing I can do about it because my past reputation – which HA, isn’t even much in the past because I STILL DO IT – is screwing me over.

Crap, do I deserve this?

God I’m so sorry, I just need to get this out. I haven’t written a violent post like this in a while, but I truly can’t stand me. Fern and Willow are still talking and I’m miserable and bitter at how things have changed.

I’m a stupid fuck. I should accept things and move on but it hurts and every friend I’ve lost leaves a hurt in me and I can’t pretend to be nice any more because I am not. Even though I try to be, I’m not and I’m angry and jealous because of the friendship Willow and Fern share.

Well Fern just talked to me normally and I honestly don’t know what to do any more. Melodramatic, I know.

From Elm πŸ™‚

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105 thoughts on ““Is Elm Up to Her Little Games Again?”

  1. I honestly know how you feel! I don’t spread things, but if I hear something about my friends I will tell them about it. This used to be okay but now as soon as you tell someone something, they will go and tell someone else. Now I used keep my thoughts to myself as its better that way. Just talk to Fern about it, be honest with her and just say exactly what you’ve written; you feel bad and you understand what you’ve done and now your trying to make it right. She should appreciate your honesty and effort as it shows how much you value your friendship. -Tash πŸ™‚

    • God Tash, you put things into perspective for me like I never could. Thank you so much – yeah, I just need to tell her that. I’m so scared, though, that I’m a terrible person. 😦

      • I would feel scared too but your not a terrible person Elm! There are so many people that do the same thing, I did the same thing the other day which put me in such a difficult situation! We all make mistakes and we learn from them just like you are now. Despite the fact its horrible, it could be worse as just remember she is not going to put your friendship down the drain based on thing, your friendship is so much more than this misunderstanding. I hope it gets sorted out and let us know how it all goes!

      • I really will, Tash. Thanks so much for all of this πŸ™‚ You’re honestly making me feel better, and not as terrible.

  2. It’s going to be just fine, Elm. I have said this a thousand times and I am going to say it now, again- NOBODY IS PERFECT. Everybody have their flaws and the person is only a true human being if they turn their flaws into something better. I know you must be feeling like a bitch right now but know that you aren’t. You wrote this post because you realized your flaws, or flaw, and that takes a lot of courage. Hats off to you! Just believe in yourself, you’ll get over it. Maybe if you talk to your friends to include you in the talks, would be better. I am not really good with friends but I do observe how people act around their friends and this is a very common solution to the problem you are going trough. Don’t worry, Elm, if not I will be with you! Take care! Be brave!

  3. First off, don’t you ever hate yourself! Maybe this is a flaw, but there are so many other things about you that are amazing β™₯ I remember when I was the person who couldn’t keep a secret, but I had this realisation just like you. Now, I’m probably one of the only people in my group that’s actually trusted by everyone to go and talk to. So instead of sitting here and getting mad, go change it. Realising your flaws is the first thing to becoming an even more amazing person πŸ™‚

    • I bloody hope you’re right, and you’ve inspired me πŸ™‚ Thank you for that. I just hate realising things about myself and hating me for it, properly hating because I’ve been such an idiot before and recently, but it can’t be helped. I’m only human, after all.

  4. YOU ARE NOT STUPID AND YOU ARE NOT DOOMED TO FAILURE! I won’t sugar coat your situation by saying that “oh, it’s fine” because you really are responsible for what you say, and you somehow, unknowingly, hurt your friends. You can’t take that back. But you know what you can do? Change. Stop it. Apologise. Make right by the people that you wronged. I am convinced that they will let you back in their giggle corner and welcome you if they see that you truly didn’t mean to hurt them. Because I am conviced that even if you “spread rumors” you didn’t do it on purpose or with bad intentions. That’s what saves you. The fact that you didn’t mean to. But you have to stop doing it though… So calm down! There are some things that are called second chances. And if your friends truly care, they will forgive you.

    • That kicked me into shape and I NEEDED it. Thank you so so much, you! I get so hung up on the shit I’ve done that I forget to remember to apologise. Argh.

  5. Oh my gosh Elm. I just realised something. It is completely mind-blowing. YOU’RE A HUMAN. *gasps* We all have flaws. And what you’re doing is ralising your flaws and step 2 is to apologise and step 3 is to change. Yeah I know it’s more complex than that but those are the basics. You clearly don’t mean to spread rumours and hurt people by doing so, and wow look at this you feel bad and you feel guilty! Signs that you’re a good person and you can definitely change and deserve to be forgiven. And once you’ve done that, you can begin to build proper relationships based off of trust. You’re awesome. You’re human. oh and P.S. you’re not just awesome you’re -extremely- awesome. *hugs*

    • Oh god Luna, thank you. I don’t have words. I get so angry with myself for being an idiot, and I’m not even the worst of my group at it. I FORGET that, though, and get so terrified, but it’s a flaw and we’ve all got and I’m HUMAN.

  6. Even though you feel like everyone thinks you’re a rumour-spreader, they probably don’t! Maybe Fern was having a bit of a bad day and it slipped out without her meaning to. Even if she didn’t say it in a mean way. We all think the worst of ourselves and everyone tells each others secrets, its not just you. I’m really bad for doing it as well! πŸ™‚

  7. Ohh!! Darling, don’t be so hard on yourself.. We all have flaws, we all are different. What matters is you realised that, you’ve hurt your friends unintentionally.

    Go ahead, hug her & tell her your sorry or you didn’t mean it to blow up the way it did.

    You’re a beautiful girl, we all love you elm!!

    • I’m nearly sobbing like a baby – thank you so much. You’ve got no bloody idea what your words mean to me, because I’m starting to realise I’m not as awful as I think I am. Or I KNOW I can realise it. I’m getting there?
      I just need to say sorry to Fern and Holly and all the rest.

  8. Wait back up. Your not. Your wonderful. It’s too easy to make mistakes and say things and even though things may nit be the best between you and Fern you did help Holly and helping someone shows your caring. Its easy to get upset, everyone does. I know I do. And this could just be how you deal with it. Whilst it may not be the best way its certainly not the worst. And the fact your feeling bad about it proves your a good person and that if you could you’d fix what you’ve done and that should help you.

  9. I think everybody at some point does it, I did it not so long ago and my best friends fell out with me for it, but it’s sorted now, and things will sort out for you too. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I know I am, and I wish I wasn’t. If I say something about somebody I feel awful for about a week, and I imagine all the possible scenarios of them finding out what I said. Everybody says things, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person xx

      • You’re welcome!! It’s sounds like you overthink, and I’m exactly the same. I think things so much until I’m convinced that I am what I’m scared of being, or something will happen that I’m afraid of. I’m not really sure how to NOT think this way, but I’m here to talk if you need me xx

      • EXACTLY! That’s how I feel too.
        I think you’re really great. Do you have an email, or have I got it already? You’re just such a nice person and have always been helpful to me that it’d be cool to talk to you off of wordpress. πŸ™‚

  10. There is always time to change. If you don’t like the way you think people see you, then change it. Put it behind you and move on. Become the person you want to be. You’re honestly the only person who can do that, if that’s what you want to do. xxxxx

  11. You’re not perfect. You will never be perfect, so please don’t feel bad about everything you ever did. Remember that you see the world from your perspective only and people’s opinions of you are never the same as the opinions you hold to yourself. Dwelling on what you think you did will not make anything better, it’s best just to try and be the lovely, kind and wonderful Elm you are. And don’t say you’re not, because no, you’re not perfect but your flaws shouldn’t take anything away from all the amazing good things you do too. I’m so sorry you feel like this Elm, we’re all here for you ❀

  12. Bloody, BLOODY hell, Elm. You are NOT a bitch. You are NOT stupid. And you DO help people – me included, more than you will ever know. You’re ALLOWED to not be a hundred percent amazing and kind and wonderful, even though I would dispute that because I think you are 100% amazing. You’re WONDERFUL, okay, Elm ?

    • Oh Em I don’t know what to say. You’re the wonderful one here, always helping me, ALWAYS. That means so much to me. I’ll try to remember that I’m great, and amazing, like you say. It’s an uphill battle, but I’ll get there.

  13. First off, you’re not stupid, shitty or bitchy, whatsoever!!! You made a mistake and I’ve made a mistake like that too, several times. Sometimes we don’t fully acknowledge the mistakes we made the first time round or even the second, and so on but it’s good you’ve come to let that out and be honest and admit to it. Don’t be so hard on yourself, okay? πŸ™‚

  14. I know just how you feel! I used to do the exact same thing without knowing it, and my best friend would get so pissed. But I tried REALLY hard to think more before I say stuff (not saying you don’t btw), and now from the way my best friend acts now, I don’t do it anymoreπŸ˜‚ I HATED myself when I did it too. But seriously, hating yourself like that isn’t worth it, it only brings you down, and doesn’t help at. All. I love your blog so much and I hate it when you’re upsetπŸ˜₯πŸ˜“

  15. Hey, man, you’re fine okay? Remember what those kids were saying in PSE- like, don’t let your past define you? What’s done is done and you’ve moved on and learnt. You’re not the same kid anymore, so don’t let others treat you like you are, okay? You’re better now.

  16. Dear Elm,

    You are VERY far from anything of those things you called yourself! Our flaws are what make us unique… and human. I can’t keep secrets. Hell, I can’t even keep my own secrets! I just have to tell people. And people hate me for it at times. A bit of a different subject matter, but that’s one of the things I struggle with. I always tell people, “Our struggles are our strengths,” because often we grow from them. Don’t let it weigh you down. If Fern is a true friend, she will forgive and forget. And I’m sure that she is more than willing to forget about it.

    Just remember that everyone says things, and that doesn’t make you a bad person. You are far from that!!

    xoxo,
    Avalon

  17. Next time you hear juicy gossip, why don’t you write it down and put it in a little box so it can’t escape to anyone else?
    Most people at my school do that, I don’t but you get used to it

  18. Oh Elm don’t call yourself those things! Remember that absolutely no one is perfect and you can always restart now and build a better you. OK, sorry that was kind of a crap advice, but hey I tried!

  19. Elm. Breathe. No ones perfect. We all have flaws. But don’t get too caught up in them. You have so SO many amazing things going for you, and we all see them. You know, you can always turn over a new leaf if you need to, but personally, I think you FABULOUS just the way you are. ‘BECUASE YOU’RE AMAZINGGGGG JUST THE WAY YOU AREEEEEEE’ xxx

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