I’m going to talk about something that I have talked about, constantly, for the last… Hmm, 9 months? You’re probably sick of it.
Ash got excluded today for beating someone up. A guy took his hockey stick after PE, apparently (heard this from someone else), he asked him to give it back, the guy didn’t, and he punched him right in the face.
Yup, this is the Ash that I fell in love with before, who I talked about in this post, way back then, and in EVERY SINGLE subsequent post, there’s been something negative, something relating to pain. In that first post, I described him as the kindest person you’ll ever meet, someone who you can trust and trusts you back. Because THEN – and not even then, 4 months before that – he was that to me.
And now, this is the Ash that is a drug addict. The one who is failing most of his classes. The one who messed me up so badly, even if it WAS my fault; the one who beat someone up and not just SOMEONE, but multiple someone’s.
I’m horrified. I’m absolutely horrified; I’ve been in a state of pain all day, ever since I found out; it’s sort of numb. He’s so far removed from the guy I used to know, used to fucking LOVE, that it hurts. Where did it go? What happened? WHY is he physically hurting people?
I was in love with that boy. THAT boy. Except, I guess he wasn’t who he is now, if that makes sense? It’s still a shock to the system, though.
I don’t think people quite understand. People who know me will ask WHY I was in love with him, even though he was horrible, even though he’s now gone off the rails even more than I would have expected. Even though he hurt me, and it took me three or more months AFTER that to stop loving him, in about June last year.
God, it’s horrible to remember. I’ve not thought about this properly for a very long time, really considered everything. I realise now that it was a poisonous thing, only bringing me down, but it doesn’t make it less real. I grew the hell up through it, realised that people can be awful.
THESE are the reasons why I fell in love with him. Why, even for his flaws – and I KNEW them, as sure as I knew his good qualities. When you love someone, you don’t ignore the flaws, you just know they’re there because nobody’s damn well perfect. And that’s why I’m in love with Aspen and it’s not damaging, like Ash was.
He helped me. He trusted me. He KNEW what friendship was like, and he could talk to me without treating me like a moron. He was kind, considerate, and he UNDERSTOOD why I felt like shit, and talked it through with me. The one thing I can hold onto is that our friendship WASN’T fake, and in the times he helped me, he genuinely meant it.
I knew him, and there were things I understood about him that other people didn’t; I wish I could say I was boasting about that but the point is, he TRUSTED me. And then he broke my heart, not his fault though.
It’s funny. When you’re dwelling on something, it takes logic out of it. You second guess yourself, looking back on a time long gone and wondering what the fuck happened. THEN, you realise:
Oh god, I’m so glad I got out of that. I know I’m not the cause for what’s going on with him now, but maybe the shit I did – though not SERIOUS – was just another nail in his “coffin”. That makes me feel sick, and so I know that if he ever contacted me again, I’d shut him out. I’ll adopt his philosophy: once I trust, the trust is absolute but once it’s broken, there are rarely second chances.
Now he’s how he is, and though I can safely say I think he’s a pretty terrible person, I still get… Well, it’s not a loyalty I have to him, but rather a CONCERN. I used to be friends with him, and he was a bastard, and people don’t get why I WAS friends with him when everybody else thought he was horrible. There’s got to be a reason as to why he’s like this, something serious – are there still vestiges of the old him left?
As cruel as this is, and as much as I’m shaking violently whilst writing this, I don’t care if there is.
Sorry for writing all that. You probably will be VERY confused, but this is just a way to get my thoughts out. I’ve had almost a year of locked in hurt, but I’m alright. There might be more Ash posts over the next few months, as it starts getting into the year-since-everything-went-to-hell crap.
Thanks again for, well, reading. You’re great.
From Elm 🙂