Whispers in the Dark, or something like that

Anger’s a funny thing.

The way it sweeps past you, knocking you off your feet in little bursts, leaving you feeling alternately miserable and just numb between the strikes. The way it comes upon you unexpectedly when you don’t want it: when you’re talking to your parents, at the SLIGHTEST thing your friend says, getting frustrated at not being able to find a phone charger. And then BAM, you’re shaking and you just want to curl up and scream. Then, you feel better, and you wonder why you were angry in the first place.

That’s what it felt like today. Maybe I’m playing it up in my own mind, but it doesn’t matter. I’m sitting in my room with the light off, curled up on my chair, trying to chase down what I’m feeling. I’m really glad I’m writing this, because it’s therapeutic.

I don’t like feeling crap. I take it out on my friends, parents, anyone, which makes me feel worse, and then it makes me shut myself away. Or pretend everything’s fine. Pretending, until I convince myself and it STOPS, but then it comes back. That’s what happened today.

It’s not serious. I just feel strange, disjointed, furious at some points too. God knows what I’m angry about – it’s just a nagging feeling in the back of my mind. I can’t write properly either.

I don’t quite get the point of talking about this, when it’s nothing. If I keep repeating that this is stupid and everyone has their own problems, WORSE than mine, I’ll start to believe it. I need to believe it, because I need to keep the balance of talking and listening – what kind of friend am I, otherwise?

I don’t like this. I doubt I’m making any sense, but I guess that’s the point: I’m writing whatever comes to my mind, now, no edits and no filtering. It’s how I cope with the bad things, the NOT bad things because they’re insignificant.

I’m not even sad. I have this lingering feeling of despair, like everything I do is pointless. I’m wondering though, why now? Why do I have to feel this – whatever THIS is – now, when I need to concentrate?

Locking this up is a good idea. Not letting it out, not talking, not thinking about it, but isn’t that counterproductive? And anyway, why am I posting this? It’s a jumble of words on a page, and I’m not even trying to incorporate my usual style into this. This is what I’m like really, and maybe people’s opinions of me will change, but I’m just trying to explain myself.

It’s not that my friends wouldn’t care; they DO care. But this is so stupid that I won’t let them care, because I’m me and I’ll get through it. It’s just a blip on the radar, with bursts of anger and sadness and some kind of old pain.

WOW, that was a bad post.

Are you doing alright? Sorry about all this.

Does anyone understand me when I say that I have days where I kind of feel all over the place?

From Elm πŸ™‚

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60 thoughts on “Whispers in the Dark, or something like that

  1. Don’t feel ashamed or worried or confused about posting this, it’s our way of expressing (or attempting to express) our emotions. It made you feel better, didn’t it? Anger is something that everyone feels at some point, and it’s one of those emotions that’s only temporary and you can see past it. That means it’ll get better, remember that πŸ™‚

  2. I think I know how you feel, but then again maybe I don’t; but it’s good that your letting it out, and talking about it will hopefully help a lot! I hope you feel better soon! If you ever need anyone to talk to, I’m here 😊❀️

  3. Oh Elm, don’t lock it inside yourself. Look at all these people that support you! Sometimes, it’s better to tell people how you feel. You are still you, and that you is beautiful. We all have those moments when we just want to scream and throw something and pull out our hair.

    Sometimes, crying truly helps. Just crying hard, even when you don’t know why, even when it feels like you’re crying your life out. It feels good afterwards.

  4. Im sure alot of people have felt how you did today, I certainly have, i feel like i can relate to you, and i really like it! talking to some one helps, but blogging about it helps, which i can predict it did, right? Just talk it out x

  5. No don’t feel bad about posting this! Sometimes the best thing is to write it all out, and we are here to support you. Crying it all out sometimes helps, cry until you can no longer cry!!

  6. Omg! I’ve just started reading your blog Elm! You’re amazing! And I didn’t even realize there was this huge community of teen bloggers out there!!! πŸ˜†

    Also, I completely understand where you’re coming from with this post! Sometimes I get frustrated at the littlest darn things. What’s important is that you’re writing this post to feel better, and its a part of your life, so you shouldn’t feel bad about posting it. Everyone feels angry sometimes. I hope you’re feeling better now❀️

    • Aww you’re actually so so amazing! πŸ™‚ Seriously, THANK YOU! And yup, there’s a whole group of us, always here to support you when you need it. I promise you that.

  7. I know the feeling πŸ˜› Locking it up seems like it’s fine but not at the same time but it isn’t. Letting everything out just feels soo amazing. It isn’t metaphoric. And You’ve already taken a great step by writing it all out on a blog! Writing is kind of hard for me because I have so much to say so typing is faster. Try writing everything out or scribbling in a waste book and tearing up bits of paper or newspaper- throw it away after though πŸ˜› Crying is a natural solution. All you need is… yourself. Just cry even if you don’t know why, just like infinitmagic said. It feels so much better. Try to have something to squish in your pockets. If you have time, excersice or take deep breaths. Pacing or walking or just lying flat on your bed surrounded by your pillow, blanket, or even toys for a few minutes is perfect. Sometimes I just throw myself at my bed and stare at the ceiling πŸ˜›

  8. I have that lingering feeling of despair sometimes. It’ll pass eventually and it’s good to get your thoughts out. you are amazing.

  9. I totally understand you, Elm. I’m like that sometimes. But it’s okay to write it down and post it in your blog. Like what you’ve said, it’s therapeutic. Don’t worry, you’ll be okay ❀

  10. Life sucks sometimes. For complicated reasons and simple reasons,.. because of something or because of nothing. It’s great that you’re writing about it and getting it off your chest. We are all here for you πŸ™‚

  11. I get it, Elm. It happens to me quite often. I just feel a certain way and have no clue why. It can be so frustrating and as hard as it is, you have to remember its just your brain being annoying.
    -Dani

  12. i used to get so mad when i was little, and i guess a big part of growing up for me has been learning to control it. I find exercise works so well for me or blogging and seeing you guys’ awesome responses! =)

  13. this happens to me too sometimes.
    like all of a sudden i get pissed off for no reason and i just literally feel like ripping something apart.
    but i’m glad you’re talking about it. i think bottling it up, never really solves the issue.
    blogging makes it better i’m assuming

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