Anger’s a funny thing.
The way it sweeps past you, knocking you off your feet in little bursts, leaving you feeling alternately miserable and just numb between the strikes. The way it comes upon you unexpectedly when you don’t want it: when you’re talking to your parents, at the SLIGHTEST thing your friend says, getting frustrated at not being able to find a phone charger. And then BAM, you’re shaking and you just want to curl up and scream. Then, you feel better, and you wonder why you were angry in the first place.
That’s what it felt like today. Maybe I’m playing it up in my own mind, but it doesn’t matter. I’m sitting in my room with the light off, curled up on my chair, trying to chase down what I’m feeling. I’m really glad I’m writing this, because it’s therapeutic.
I don’t like feeling crap. I take it out on my friends, parents, anyone, which makes me feel worse, and then it makes me shut myself away. Or pretend everything’s fine. Pretending, until I convince myself and it STOPS, but then it comes back. That’s what happened today.
It’s not serious. I just feel strange, disjointed, furious at some points too. God knows what I’m angry about – it’s just a nagging feeling in the back of my mind. I can’t write properly either.
I don’t quite get the point of talking about this, when it’s nothing. If I keep repeating that this is stupid and everyone has their own problems, WORSE than mine, I’ll start to believe it. I need to believe it, because I need to keep the balance of talking and listening – what kind of friend am I, otherwise?
I don’t like this. I doubt I’m making any sense, but I guess that’s the point: I’m writing whatever comes to my mind, now, no edits and no filtering. It’s how I cope with the bad things, the NOT bad things because they’re insignificant.
I’m not even sad. I have this lingering feeling of despair, like everything I do is pointless. I’m wondering though, why now? Why do I have to feel this – whatever THIS is – now, when I need to concentrate?
Locking this up is a good idea. Not letting it out, not talking, not thinking about it, but isn’t that counterproductive? And anyway, why am I posting this? It’s a jumble of words on a page, and I’m not even trying to incorporate my usual style into this. This is what I’m like really, and maybe people’s opinions of me will change, but I’m just trying to explain myself.
It’s not that my friends wouldn’t care; they DO care. But this is so stupid that I won’t let them care, because I’m me and I’ll get through it. It’s just a blip on the radar, with bursts of anger and sadness and some kind of old pain.
WOW, that was a bad post.
Are you doing alright? Sorry about all this.
Does anyone understand me when I say that I have days where I kind of feel all over the place?
From Elm 🙂