If I was More

I’ve had a truckload of self-hatred building up for the last two or three days, and instead of being sensible and talking about it to someone, I locked it all away and revised like mad – which payed off, because now I understand some physics and biology topics more, but now the upset has just… Culminated in an explosion.

I’m sad. Angry. Disappointed, and mostly at and in myself. It frustrates me that I have these emotions now, and that I don’t have much motivation to blog. You guys are all amazing and shouldn’t have to deal with all of this negativity, when I want to be positive so I can help you as much as I can. That might sound cheesy, but I want to make up for the horrific crap I’m about to post. Know that I’m always here and that if you feel like I’m feeling now, or you feel terrible, talk to someone.

I’ve been stretching recently, and going on walks, and it makes me feel better about myself. But I’m still disgusted. If I was better, more fit, more healthy, taller, with more weight on me, I feel like I’d feel better. But maybe not. Maybe I’m better off being skinny as fuck and I shouldn’t change myself.

That’s not even the real reason why I’m so so upset. I find it difficult to articulate when I feel shit for no reason, and it makes it seem so stupid and trivial. I think I’ll try, and god knows how long this post will be.

I feel useless as hell. Some of my friends are going through things and I can do NOTHING to help them. I’m sitting here, shaking, feeling. empty and horrific. What kind of friend am I, that I’m unable to help, and I’m just a piece of shit? My heart hurts.

I keep on trying to apologise for posting this, but I know you’ll say it’s good to talk about things like this. Why do I feel so lost, and like I’m nothing? Am I important to anyone, am I FIRST for anyone, or just second? I’m second to myself, because I never put myself first. What am I worth to other people?

Those are the shitty questions spinning through my head, and I wish they wouldn’t, because I don’t need it. I feel like I have to remain strong, and when I don’t, there isn’t much wrong anyway. Does that make sense? PFFT, doubtful, because my ramblings never do. I don’t know what I feel.

Sometimes it hits me. Throughout the day I’ve been okay, except when I freaked out over not understanding lenses in physics, and then I just hated everything about me because I couldn’t UNDERSTAND it. I felt a block in my mind, then I started shaking and I couldn’t breathe. Last night, I felt so miserable that I wanted to scream and cry and all the rest, except I went to sleep with a smile on my face because of Rapunzel. I don’t know why I didn’t tell her, but I guess I thought it wasn’t important. I STILL think it isn’t.

I remember when she held me and told me things would be okay, and that meant the world to me. She’s bloody brilliant, and part of me wonders if I’m good enough and YEAH I should just stop thinking about that. I WILL be okay, but right now I don’t feel like I am, and this blog’s about the only place. I can vent to.

ARGH, why am I so bad at writing? Why can’t I read people’s posts and just be more organised? I feel like I can’t hold myself together, and then I start to think I’m awful and worthless. THAT’s SO STUPID. WHY AM I CENSORING MYSELF?

I feel sick with myself and pissed off because I’m so negative, when I was doing so well recently. It feels as if a cloud is hanging over me, to be clichΓ©, but of helplessness. I can’t do anything to help my friends and I just sit there, feeling so so bad, and thinking I don’t deserve friends because I’m so fucking useless. I’m so scared because of my thoughts, when really, I have a great life and should just shut up. This isn’t even significant anyway and I’m worrying everyone.

I hope you’re okay. You might get a few of these negative posts in the next couple of months, but I’ll try and remain positive. It’s the best I can do, right?

From Elm πŸ™‚

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86 thoughts on “If I was More

  1. Hey. How can I make you see how damn fabulous I think you are, just from the little glimpse you give us through your blog? You’re so much more than you think you are, and I’ll always be hear to tell you that when you need it. X

    • Oh god, thank you so so much. You’re amazing, and always have been πŸ™‚ Thank you! It’s just so overwhelming right now. I don’t even know why.

  2. Don’t think like that, you put yourself down too much and its just not healthy. You need to clear your mind.
    You are definately first for me, I would always come to you if I was upset or angry because you listen and are always supportive.
    You think too little of yourself, we all think you are amazing and are an absolutely fantastic blogger.
    Stop thinking like that, talk to anyone, get it out of your mind because all this your thinking is just you, no one else thinks it… Ok

  3. You’re a fantastic human being and blogger. You don’t EVER have to apologise for posting what you want and not being able to read our posts.
    It’s better to vent than to keep everything cooped up inside. It really helps. I hope you know that you don’t need to change yourself. Ever. You don’t need to care about what others think of you.
    You’re NOT a shit friend, let me tell you that. You’re amazing, wonderful and kind. You’re an awesome blogger and you don’t have to worry about anyone.

  4. I know it sounds way easier said than done, however you need to think about yourself. I know self loath, I’m going through it now so it seems hypocritical to be saying this, but you always put others first. Even in this post you’re apologising for venting your feelings. We all need to, that’s what a blog is about. You are amazing too, Elm, you’re truly an inspiration, remember that x

    • I’ll try my best. How are you just so kind, and considerate, even when you’re going through things yourself? THAT’s something to be admired. Thank you so much x

  5. Elm seriously, stop putting yourself down. What does it achieve – making you feel even shittier resulting in you hating yourself for feeling that way. So don’t. It’s okay to feel horrible sometimes but not if you hate yourself for it – remember it is human. And of course you mean something. All of us here care about you for a reason: because you support us as well and you have always been there for us and we appreciate you.

    • AAARGHHH thank you! I don’t know what it is – I ALWAYS put myself down, for no good reason. I really need to work on it. Thank you, Luna.

  6. We’re always here for you no matter what. You shouldn’t have to apologize since it is life, and if it weren’t absolutely crap to you every now and then we wouldn’t be reading it as much because we are humans and WE CARE. Life shouldn’t be crap sometimes but it just is. This is why we are here, Elm. And about not having the motivation. I am absolutely un-motivated sometimes. It happens to everybody. Positivity doesn’t always have to be there. Sometimes it just abandons you. It will come back πŸ™‚
    ~Hugs~
    Ariana

    • Aww god you are so lovely πŸ™‚ I just need to GET that positivity. I’ll do my best. Thanks for always being so lovely and kind πŸ™‚ It means the world

  7. look, I don’t even know you but from your posts and the way you treat others I can just tell you are the most incredible person. we all have shitty times, you’re just going through an especially shitty time right now but i promise you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will come out a stronger person for it. The fact that even though you are unhappy right now and you still want to help others and you still care about keeping all of us happy is just living breathing proof of how strong a person you are – even if you’re not feeling like it. sometimes you just need to take a moment to think truly about yourself and your needs and happiness, and just know that we will all be here to help you at every step of the way πŸ™‚

    • You’ve honestly just made my day – you don’t know me, yet you still say those lovely things. Thank you – thank you SO much. You are truly a wonderful person.

  8. Elm. You’re amazing, okay? Look at all those messages if you don’t believe me^
    Everyone who reads your posts have been influenced by you. They all love and care about you. And do you know why? Because you truly are amazing. Important. Unique. Funny. Creative. Beautiful. You are all these things and so much more! And we all love you for that. Just remind yourself about this, okay? Because you are worth it. And you need to fight these negative thoughts, Elm, you need to deal with them. Not just keep letting them get bottled up.
    If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here, alright? xx
    You got this Elm.

    Skye xx.

    • I honestly think. I do – thank. you. HOW are you so amazing? I need to remember to TALK, rather than just shoving my thoughts to the back of my mind. This has honestly made me feel so much more positive, reading everyone’s comments.

  9. Hey! Hey! Hey! Elm! You are amazing! Look at the comments everyone commenting in this post. You are amazing and your real friends will say that too. And you’re not useless too. Every time you post, you make your readers smile because they’re idol just posted something! Yes, that’s cheesy but that’s true! If you need help, contact us and talk to us. We’re here for you! πŸ™‚

  10. hey ! I’ve only started reading your blogs recently and I totally think your the most amazing person I’ve ever met . Its really crazy how I don’t know much about you but I can say one thing for sure that I’m always there for you !
    *warm hugs *

  11. Yoo… Elm, chill out. Wanna know something interesting, it’s never as serious as it seems. About two years ago at this same time, I felt the exact same way. But I want to tell you that most of your friends think you’re amazing (I do too)…. but I guess they just don’t tell you enough times. YOU ARE AMAZING!… but you’re also human. Don’t give out too much of yourself to others, care for yourself too (and no, caring for yourself is not being selfish to the world). Love yourself girl! πŸ™‚ because we love you!

    • You just read my mind and gave me ways to feel better about myself – GOD, you’re amazing! πŸ™‚ I couldn’t ask for better friends, honestly. You made my day – I just need to remember that people love me.

  12. No need to put yourself down elm! we all love you the way you are!!! xxx
    Ive just nominated you for the anonymous blogger award, rules are on my most recent post!! x

  13. Dear friend, please trust me when I say I am undergoing the exact same situations and feeling the same depressing emotions as you. Just hold on, you’re gonna be right. And feel great. You deserve to.
    I’m pretty much fucked up myself..hence I’ve tried to vent out at my blog (often drifting away from the core topic of the posts), but in a desperate attempt am trying to help myself by actually reading what I write as a feeling better mechanism. My last 2 posts have been upon similar issues. I wouldn’t have told you but please give these two a read (I HOPE THEY MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER, IF NOT..THEN I’M SORRY)

    https://mrinalishu.wordpress.com/2016/04/02/nice-jerk/

    https://mrinalishu.wordpress.com/2016/03/23/tips-to-cope-up-with-failures-and-feelings-of-worthlessness/

    Cheers and best wishes πŸ™‚ from a ‘co-sufferer’

    • You are fantastic. I swear, you’re actually so great – and I know how you feel. Just knowing I’m not alone is amazing – and neither are you. You can always talk to me when things get tough, I promise.

  14. Hey honey, keep that chin up. You’re not alone, never think you are. Your blog is amazing and you make people feel normal with the way you blog about things some people would even be afraid to talk about. You’re great, keep going. Lots of love xx

  15. You know who you are to me elm? Even from this screen by seeing a bit of you, by hearing your words every day, you are an amazing, kind, helpful, beautiful, AMAZING PERSON! And I haven’t even met you! Your comments make me grin like an idiot and squeal even when i’m in a deep, dark abyss. You seem to light the way with your amazing words. And I’m never like this because i’m a negative crappy person introvert! But you know what you aren’t useless because your words, your advice, idk how but you word them so well and I just want to quote you all the time πŸ˜„ Honestly I have no words and you are so amazing. And you aren’t useless. I know how it is to feel that way but you are such a good person for helping everyone, and if you can’t, maybe it’s because some problems are just meant to handle ourselves and no one can help. Shadows don’t appear in the dark… sadly. But you try to help, and thats amazing. It’s time for you to apply those beautiful amazing words to yourself. I can’t help you as much as you’ve helped me cause you are just so amazing! But please relax and be yourself. Focus on the nice things, like Rapunzel. She sounds awesome. And don’t worry about the posts! Post if it helps you, if you are motivated or if you want to vent. Don’t worry about us. We’re here to support you all the way and if you need help we’re always here. And I know your venting. Times are tough. Everyone has a right to vent for what THEY find stressful and bad. So don’t worry elm, hope you feel better ^^

    • You are amazing. You are possibly the best person I can think of right now, because you brighten my day with EVERYTHING YOU WRITE. Do you have any idea how happy that made me? Thank you. Oh my god thank you ❀ xx I have no words.

      • :O πŸ˜€ :O πŸ˜€ (<– repeat forever) I'M SO HAPPY BY READING THIS πŸ˜„ YAYYY!!! (runs off like a cartoon character- Yippee!!!) Your welcomeee ^^ Happiness is so contagious 0-0 I'm so happyyyyyy

  16. Arggghhhh I really wish i’d been back on the bloggosphere a day earlier, hate that this happened. Don’t really know what else to say other than that I and so so many others find you an absolute inspiration, and honestly a fucking brilliant person who we love very very much, It honestly amazes me how one person could be such a selfless, amazing and beautiful person ❀ ! your posts and our skype sessions and chat's make me so happy, your just generally fab. It's okay to have some bad days, you don't need to pretend to be okay, your allowed, your only human, I believe in you though, Chin up lovely, I'm always here if you need someone to talk to. πŸ™‚ xxx

  17. Hey, its okay to have a shitty day, once in a while we all break down cause of different reason but You are awesome, smart, an amazing blogger. Never forget that!!

  18. As you may know – I haven’t been blogging for that long, and your blog was one of the first ones that I followed and really loved! And from your posts I – everyone – can see that you are such a wonderful person and you’re so caring. I totally get where your coming from: the feeling that you can’t do anything to help, I’ve been there too I’m sure we all have. But you probably don’t realise, but your blog helps loads of people all the time. And where you friends from school come in, they are there for you too, you should tell them how your feeling and that your stressing out and they will support you like we all can tell you support them

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