I’m Just So

Well. I really don’t…

I feel awful. I feel horrific. I feel sad, and panicked – and there’s no reason for it. LITERALLY no reason.

I’m just so so tired, and what’s the point in writing a damn post about it anyway? Whenever I get like this I get angry with myself and that’s not good at all. Usually, I just go up to my room and read, to calm down, but this whole thing’s been building up for so long and I’m stupid. I don’t even know why I think that.

Last time I did this, you guys more or less told me – and I told myself – to talk, and not bottle things up. I feel like I’m going to regret this, because of the shit that I’ll probably write down, but isn’t THIS why I started a blog? Isn’t this why I’ve continued with it, with all your support and friendship and everything, because it makes me feel better? Writing words on a screen does, in a way, to let the frustration out.

I’m in the house on my own, because my dad went to join my sister at the pub – I told him to, because I think he knew something was wrong. I was absolutely hopeless at dinner, and asked him at one point, “When you were at school, what did you think work was like?” I VERY nearly asked him, “Do you ever think life’s bleak as hell?” but I stopped myself, because it isn’t – not for us, not for ME, when I have a good life. I’ll keep repeating that to myself, because it WILL make me feel better.

I don’t get why I’m so, so horrible to my mother. Why I snap at her, or – like yesterday – why I feel kind, where I feel NICE. I probably upset her today, and that’s not okay. How can I tell myself I’m a good person, if I just keep on snapping and getting angry? It’s not fair on anyone. I try to control my stupid, snappish behaviour and when I DON’T, it makes me feel like a terrible person, convincing me I AM until that’s all I can think about. And then I forget and think I’m halfway decent. LITERALLY why the hell do I dislike myself so much when I get like this?

I just feel so sick and annoyed that I’m posting this. I tell myself I’m doing revision, and I KNOW I am, but that’s selfish as fuck because I complain to people about how “little” I’m doing when that’s bullshit, but is it going in? God I feel sick. It all feels real, with the exams only just over a month away. Oh well. I’ll get through it.

Oh WOW. I’m not even paying attention to my friends, and whenever I post something like this, I either: a) Worry them; b) Make them feel guilty for helping me; or c) Make myself paranoid that they hate me, which would make them feel guilty, which would make ME feel… ARGH!

Headaches aren’t fun, and I have one pounding through my skull. I really don’t think it’s fair, that I’m writing a crap post whilst not reading ANYONE’s blogs. I’m frustrated and whining, and I can’t hide my emotions for shit so my mood will be displayed all over my stupid face when my dad and sister get home. I think I should go to bed before they see, because it’s not fair on them and if they ask me, I’ll either snap at them or brush it off.

I am so so sorry for all of this. I just feel like I’m about to cry, for no discernible reason, and that things are hopeless as hell when they’re NOT in the slightest. I’ll be alright in the morning, but for now, I need to sleep so I don’t worry my friends, or you. What I often do is downplay what I feel to such an extent that I worry people even more, if that makes sense?

Damnit, I’ve been such a shit blogger recently. You’re all such fantastic friends and you always help me out, which means the world. I can’t adequately. express my feelings right now – how sick I feel, how much I feel like there’s a weight of my own creation hanging over me – but hopefully’ with this post, I’ve lifted some of that weight. That’s what I NEED to do: to lighten the load until I can breathe without selfishly pitying myself.

Right. There is no logical reason for feeling this way, so I’m just going to… Do something to make me feel better, and STOP posting these things that are JUST SO NEGATIVE. By that, I mean stop damn well pitying myself and grow the hell up. There are bigger things, besides.

ARGHHH sorry again.

From Elm πŸ™‚

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63 thoughts on “I’m Just So

  1. Sending love your way β€πŸ’™πŸ’šπŸ’›πŸ’œ I literally posted something like this today and took it down so I know how you feel but its good you’re writing it down. You’re not a shit blogger trust me, and I am here for you always. In fact we all are.

    • And same to you, Ambi. You are such a wonderful friend, and I hope you’re okay. Don’t be ashamed of posting things, but I understand those feelings so I understand why you took it down. ❀️❀️❀️

  2. Hello elm, I’m dammy. I just started blogging not long ago…I was going through posts on friendship and the I came across your post…..I just had to go through all your posts..
    Elm, you are an amazing person and you reflect this through your writing…and its lovely…
    Elm its okay to feel shitty sometimes..trust me I’ve been there and it hurts when one feel hurt, shitty or mad at oneself….but this shld not define us….I believe whatever made you feel that way, you are far better than it……so don’t subject yourself to be to be a slave to the shitty feelings……
    A quick solution is this: when you feel this way again, just take a deep breath, listen to rock songs and sleep….cos thinking about it might hurt…..
    I do this it works for me..hope it works for you elm…

  3. I relate to this post so, so much. Lately I’ve been feeling really tired and sad all the time, and it’s hard to enjoy the things I love because I just feel so negative. I feel like my friends are starting to get a little annoyed with my negativity and anti-socialness, but I honestly can’t help it. The hardest part is that I don’t know what could be causing it!

    Don’t be ashamed to write posts about this stuff, not ever. That’s what your blog was for in the first place, right? You are NOT selfish. Whenever I start to get really sad or frustrated now, I usually sit down and a) read a book, b) write everything I’m thinking, sort of like stream of conciousness, c) go to the beach and go on an ocean swim because it always makes me feel better, or d) have a hot shower or go in the jacuzzi.

    You probably know this already because I know a lot of people have said it before, but just know that we’re all here for you. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me by email if you’re feeling crappy, okay? You can get through this. ❀ ❀ ❀

    • YOU are a wonderful person, Paige. Thank you – I’ll say thank you SO much because I mean it, and you deserve it. I know what you mean about the negativity, but we’ll get through it. I just need to relax – the stream of consciousness idea sounds like a great one.

  4. oh god, Elm… okay, I am sending you a bunch of Internet love and hugs right now. Now listen to me: you are NOT selfish for posting stuff like this. I’m always posting really negative crap on my blog too (because I always feel shitty). Please please please, I’m begging you… don’t think of yourself as a “shit blogger”. You are an amazing blogger. Say it with me :).
    You ARE NOT SELFISH for needing somewhere to breathe and vent and stuff. And if you need anyone… everyone on here will support you no matter what muck you’re going through.
    Love love love… Hanna πŸ™‚

    • ARGHHH I could just hug you right now, Hanna. You are amazing πŸ™‚ Thank you for that. I’m trying to think of myself as NOT selfish for posting all of this, and everyone’s comments help.

  5. you are NOT selfish or a bad blogger!! You are an amazing blogger and one of the kindest people I have ever met. It’s okay to rant and vent on your blog, which is something I always do because it helps me clear my mind when something’s up. It’s okay if you feel like life isn’t going all that great, we all have down points in our life. I hope things get better for you, and please feel free to email me if you wanna talk ❀ πŸ™‚

  6. We are here for you to vent to! First of all, don’t worry about schoolwork and things like, there are so many possibilities that you don’t need qualifications for, and if an academic route is the route you want to go for, then I’m sure you’ll be fine. Your mock results were amazing after all! Secondly, don’t stress about the fact you don’t get on with your mum. It’s so common for teenage girls to not get on with their mothers because of hormones and instincts and all this crazy stuff πŸ™‚ Finally, if your friends dislike you for what you’re blogging about then they shouldn’t be in your life. Your blog is the one place where you are truly yourself (although ironically you’re anonymous πŸ™‚ ) and if they don’t accept that then they don’t deserve you. Remember you are an amazing human and an inspiration to the blogging community, and if you ever need anything there are over 1000 of us to help πŸ™‚

    • You have just made my day, you know? You’ve got NO IDEA what your support means to me, because you’re always here and that’s so great. I guess I just need to realise it’s okay to not get on with my mum once in a while. THANK YOU!

  7. when it comes to looking at myself as a blogger, i think of myself as basically what i am: dumb and useless
    ever since i started blogging, i’ve really gone downhill and been acting pretty dumb.
    and what’s the point of having me here on wordpress? it’s not like anyone really is there for me here. i’m basically better off on my own, with nobody to help me. i hate seeing posts where people say they’re stupid and useless and all those negative things when being completely honest, that’s pretty much me. i’m always what they’re describing. people tell me to cheer up and things, but why should I?
    lots of people are there for you, elm, including me. sure, we don’t know each other, but that doesn’t stop me, right? that shouldn’t stop anyone.

    • And I am here for you, because you’ve always given me support. You say you’re useless, but you make me smile and feel happy whenever you comment. That’s not being useless.

  8. You’re allowed to post negative things! Hopefully it helped, even if it was just a tiny bit πŸ™‚ Sending you lots and lots of love!! β™₯β™₯β™₯β™₯

  9. Don’t be so hard on yourself! You can post whatever you want on your blog.
    Also if you want someone to talk to I can give you my email if you want πŸ™‚ I would be happy to help you feel better in any way I can!
    -Penny xxx

  10. I just wanna hug you ❀ needing to vent or rant is not selfish. And I definitely know how frustrating it is to feel like shit but not know why, so if you want to blog about it or talk about it then do that because it helps a lot.

  11. *virtual tight hug* you’re not a bad friend or a bad daughter. These days come and go. Just hold on ❀

  12. You apologize for venting out your frustrations in your blog. I mean, wtf ? How in the world are we going to mind something you wrote about yourself honestly ? I don’t know about your friends…but personally myself and maybe hundreds others would give anything to make you feel better and prevent you from bottling up all the negatives in life.
    You are amazing, I know and thus keep holding on. This ‘hellish’ life is soon going to be over. We are always here to help you out.
    Cheers πŸ™‚

    • Oh god, thank you SO SO much. You’re right – I shouldn’t bottle these things up, or apologise. I need to remember that people like you are always going to be here.

  13. This is late, but stop making yourself feel guilty, cry it out, apologise when you feel better at whoever you snapped at, but for now, make yourself, your mind, a priority, cry, scream, break something, but just don’t do anything stupid, it will pass, it always passes.

  14. Elm. You are thinking so much about the feelings of other bloggers who may read this, and that is how I feel! πŸ™‚ We can’t all have the same level of energy to do out work everyday, breaks are needed for a reason. Love, Mon

  15. Sending losts of hope and love your way elm!:) We are always here for you to lsiten to anything you want to share. You blog is amazing and wonderful no matter what you post cause its by you!:) Hoping this passes soon for you it will !:)

  16. ELM. WHY DO YOU ALWAYS SAY YOU’RE A SHIT BLOGGER WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY NOT.
    Not reading our blogs will NOT make you a shit person, unfortunately (you’ll have to try wayyy harder to become one :P). Really, your priority is revising at the moment so don’t feel guilty for not reading. It’s ABSOLUTELY okay.
    You are NOT selfish, believe me when I say that. You’re amazing, remember that. Everyone has those black hole days but I truly hope you get through this and emerge stronger and with a beautiful smile on your face πŸ™‚

  17. ElmmmMMMMMM YOU’RE NOT A SHIT BLOGGER! It’s okay if you don’t get around to reading everyone’s blogs because we all know that life gets difficult and sometimes we can’t. Please please PLEase don’t beat yourself up about that πŸ™‚
    You’re an amazing person, and venting out is one of the best ways to clear out literally all your thoughts. Stay strong Elm and sending heaps of hugs & love across the ocean and countries ❀

  18. Lots of love and hugs. I was very much like you at your age. Horrible to my mom for no reason then feeling like utter crap after.
    I just lost my mom so my world is kinda in a tilt and I’m trying to find myself yet again.
    And keep blogging , it will help. ❀

    • ‘I’m so, so sorry to hear about your mum. I know that I won’t understand but if you ever need a stranger to talk to, I’m here as you’ve offered me support and I appreciate that so much.

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