“God, I’m Scared of You Now!”

6 words.

6 words that are cycling through my head – which I heard, 3 minutes before I started writing, from my mother as she walked out of my room and closed the door, saying “What the fuck?” as she did so.

1 minute later, I put my hands around my throat and squeezed until I felt sick, then got that awful hollow feeling where my world flips upside down.

Scared of me.

She was plaiting my hair, because she likes to do that – it’s one of the things I let her do without turning all psycho violent on her because I’m a stupid fuck. Afterwards she said something like, “Should we put something on your face?” whilst she looked at it. By that I mean, put some cream on to clean my skin up.

And I said, in this horrible, dismissive voice, “Oh, I’ll do it later,” whilst my body stiffened and I acted so hostile that now, I want to burn something. I got defensive, angry, snapped at her because I hate my face on occasion anyway.

There’s no excuse. Whilst I’m sitting here, I’m shaking, with what feels like disgust and IS disgust crawling through my veins. I’ve never looked at it, but really, I treat her like shit.

And why?

Simple: or, well, not. I hate actually admitting that I’m a terrible person, or that I treat people unfairly and horribly, because I try to act nice. Not the aggressor, or the terrifying unhinged daughter who scares her mother.

Scared of me.

Oh, fuck. Who am I? Who am I that I’d treat my own mother like that, regardless of her personality? NO ONE deserves to be snapped at all the time, treated one day with happiness and the next with anger and sudden changes of mood. Obviously, I’m not the person I thought I was, because I do all of these things and it’s not fair on her. There’s no reason why I act like this; it’s just me, me thinking I have the FUCKING RIGHT to get angry when she wants to just clear up my skin which would make me happier, anyway.

I don’t know why. I feel sick with myself, REALLY sick, because on all the other occasions where I’ve felt this self-hatred, my mother said something slightly nasty to me – she might not have meant it, but that’s not the point. This time, it’s me. It’s my fault, and it can’t just be fixed by ignoring it.

Shitting hell I hate myself. I hate myself, I hate myself, hate hate hate and I’m becoming incoherent. Okay. Get a fucking grip.

My sister, mum and I are going out for dinner in about half an hour. I’ll have to apologise – HAVE to? No. I NEED to apologise. In every single argument we have, I always say sorry, even when it’s not my fault. Pity it is this time now, though, because I can’t hide under a rock and whinge that it isn’t REALLY me to blame, because it is.

I never thought I was capable of being so… Horrible. Mindlessly horrible, thoughtless, and prone to such anger. It’s upsetting me, and making me want to rip into my skin. I won’t, because it’s not worth it.

It’s strange – the level at which I’m overthinking, hating myself and then that I’m posting this. I’m scared. I’m scared of myself, like she’s scared of me. How can I pretend to be a good person when all I do is shout at my mother and act so viciously? It’s not what I’d want in myself and I make myself feel sick.

I’m really sorry. My sister wouldn’t understand, neither would my dad; I’m trying to actually DO something rather than wallow in hatred and let this carry on. Times are moving on, and I’m going to be left in the dust because I’m a girl who treats her relatives like utter crap, so I need to be better. I’ll try to hold onto the fact that people admire me, respect me and understand me. I need to be nicer and not be such a horrible, terrifying, worthless bitch.

But I’m scared. I’m so, so scared.

From Elm πŸ™‚

UPDATE: I just apologised to her, and she said it was fine – her exact words were “Don’t worry, it’s fine; you snap at me all the time anyway so I should be used to it!” I feel a little better, but not much honestly.

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44 thoughts on ““God, I’m Scared of You Now!”

  1. Don’t hate yourself. I’m really bad to my mom too – sometimes I feel awful. Don’t worry about it, Elm. It’s human. Everybody’s done it.

  2. I snap at my mum too, because she’s the one who understands. You’re honestly not an awful person and it’s natural that you feel guilty. The main thing is you’ve apologised. Don’t hate yourself, you’re great, I love you, everything will be okay πŸ™‚

  3. Hey, at least you apologized and she understood. We’re all human and we all snap at those that love us sometimes,. It’s gonna be okay. πŸ™‚

  4. if I had to be honest, I don’t care if I’m rude to my mother…
    …she doesn’t care about me, so why should I care about her? She doesn’t love me either, and neither do I.

  5. I do it too, and I feel horrible afterwards. But I realize you snap more at the people who love you, because you know they won’t leave. It’s human. Much love,
    Olivia

  6. Its okay Elm! Everyone has their bad days where we aren’t the nicest. Tomorrow will be another day, it can be different :). No one is perfect happy all the time, everybody snaps at one point. Its human, its normal. Its okay, at least you care and apologized.

  7. I understand completely! One minute I’m so angry at her for the silliest thing and when she leaves I reflect and think “Why on earth did I do that? I’m such a shitty person.”

  8. Don’t hate yourself for it Elm. We all of things we’re not proud of, but that doesn’t make us less worthy. It just means we’re human. You apologized and that’s what matters. You’ll be okay ❀

  9. I feel like every teenage girl snaps at there mom.
    But if you really want to change, maybe when you feel like yelling at her or you get angry, just think. Think before you do it. Get out of the room. Say something quick before you start getting all angry. Or just tell her the truth, say that you are getting angry for no reason and that you need a little bit of space. But its good that you said sorry, I suck at doing that.

  10. hating yourself will accomplish nothing good, so do not hate yourself. Everybody has those moments and like you they feel horrible for it. But not everybody apologises and that’s what’s good about this. Next time you feel like that just try and take a second to think about what you’re about to say or do.

    • You’re right; I often don’t think before I say things, so doing that is VERY good. Thank you, Luna; I swear, you’re my voice of reason.

  11. Elmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, ……………………………………………………
    DON’T HATE YOURSELF FOR THIS!! You apologized to your mom right??!! That shows that you are very much human!!! Please don’t feel bad! There are times when we are frustrated and the words JUST leave our mouths, it doesn’t mean that we said it intentionally, right??!!! Also I left a message for you on my latest post!! Pls read! Love ya! Bye! and take care!

  12. Hey, you’re an awesome person for feeling bad/knowing your mistakes/ knowing what you’re doing. Say a persona snapped at someone but didn’t know they were being bad. Thats just how they are, and they enjoy it. But you’re awesome for knowing. Everyone makes mistakes, don’t worry. I honestly understand so well because I have these terrible days too. Idk whats wrong with me, i’m very traditional but sometimes I snap and I feel soo bad, but don’t worry Elm cause if you know what you’re doing, you’re awesome. Take some deep breaths- you love your mom, and she loves you. This bond can’t br broken. Sometimes by a negative force, there can be an illusion that makes the bond invisible. But it is invincible >:D (cue speech music and applause) jk i WORDED that terribly but I hope the message gets through πŸ˜„

    • It really did and I just need to say thank you. Thank you for having faith in me, and making me smile because you understand how I feel about everything. It’s rare to find someone who will put up with my ramblings for so long, and the fact that you’re able to do that shows me that you really are a great person.

  13. Don’t hate yourself for it elm. You’re very much human and you’re very much a teenager. I know that you regret it and that just shows how much you care for your mum. You apologized and made everything fine. You will feel bad for a while but honestly, you did the right thing. you’re so caring and compassionate and she knows it too. NEVER hate yourself for doing something you didn’t mean to.

  14. I was like that but after we had the chance to kinda talk, I became aware that I was really always snapping at her. Whenever I’m about to snap at her I get to stop myself and think..”man I was about to be a jerk again” lmao.

  15. Oh my god. I feel the same about dad. He’s always so nice to me, and I get all bitchy and roll my eyes at him for no reason. It makes me feel so horrible but I still do it the next time. For once I’m not able to tell you you shouldn’t hate yourself for this because I go through the same thing. But the most important thing is that you notice. I hope you’ll try to make a difference, think about how you felt writing this if you ever feel like ‘snapping’, because that’s what I’m trying to do from now on. Hope it works ❀

    • Oh god I’m so glad someone feels the same; I’m just trying to put a stopper on my anger. It’s difficult – but I think we can both do this.

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