Why I was Shrieking in Mortification Earlier

Oh wow. HERE WE GO AGAIN.

I surprise myself with the amount of times I get REALLY embarrassed, but I suppose this time it was warranted. Maybe? Ehh… Let’s just roll with it.

I doubt you guys’ll remember him, but about a year ago, I fancied a guy who I called Cedar. Click on his name to find out more about the guy. Long story short, it was in the midst of the Ash situation, and partly crossed over with Birch too. And it didn’t work out (much surprise).

I’ve been talking a lot more to him recently, and I respect him quite a bit. We were having one of our conversations, and his friends stole his phone (y’know, as you do).

They decided to pretend to ask me out, which included sending a photo of Cedar and calling me babes. WAHEY nearly made me stop breatheing because I was laughing so hard, but I also felt sick because I wasn’t sure if he was being serious or not. I decided then to panic totally. You know that awful creeping, cold feeling you can get? I had that, because even the thought of thinking about other people in that way right now makes me upset.

Before he got his phone back, I said the following: “I mean a year ago, if you’d asked me that, I would have said yes.” OHMYGOD why did I do that; I’m mental. After we were both mortified because of the situation, he asked me.

I’m not sure why, but I’m finding it easier to admit to people what I did in the past, or in this case how I felt. Where’s the Elm that would be point-blank terrified? So for me, it was relatively alright to say, “A YEAR AGO I HAD A MASSIVE CRUSH ON YOU” – none of my subtle (hahahahahaaaaaa) hints were working, so I had to say it outright. He asked me why, and THIS is where I got so embarrassed that I felt ill.

I wrote the longest, most cringiest message, and I’ll copy and paste it here because I’m a total rebel. The thing is, I’m not ashamed of it: I will happily admit to it, because it’s a part of my life. But THIS was going overboard.

“At the time I was v. confused and felt really shitty but from about… January of last year (I think) until May, so year 10, I fancied you because you were funny and made me laugh. Also you’re nice and just really friendly, and you treated me like a normal person and not like some moron who couldn’t string two sentences together. I’m not sure really, I think it was just something that made me like you, because you were different from the person I liked previously (and at the same time sort of) because you weren’t shitty. I’m saying you WERE all these things like it’s in the past tense but it’s not, it’s just now I don’t feel like that towards you”

WHAT. THE. SHIT WAS THAT MESSAGE??!!! Following that were a whole host of others because I’m me and get paranoid (not fucking surprising because he said “I don’t know how to feel”). I’m so happy I told him, because it’s out in the open now.

After that, it was totally fine. We talked a lot more – he’s got a lot of insecurities and I really want him to talk about them because I think it’ll help him – and really, I’m just happy to help in general. But that brief moment, where I thought he’d hate me or that I was so weird for admitting it, was so… Mortifying.

Now I’m looking back on it, I’m proud of myself. I’m proud that I’m helping people in my own way, to talk about things. And I’m so happy that even though it made me laugh hysterically and made my face go red, I could ACTUALLY ADMIT to someone how I felt about them, in the past.

Eeeeekkkk. Well, I don’t really know how to function. It’s a weird feeling – dragging stuff up from the past like that – but it’s helped. If it means someone feels a bit more confident in themselves, I’ll take all the screaming embarrassment.

So, how many is that now? Birch, Cedar, Hazel, S, Rapunzel. That’s strange – I’ve all had in-depth discussions with them (or just told them) how I felt or used to feel about them.

And of course, every time, it’s embarrassing as shit, but at least it’s out there. I usually say something along the lines of “Yeah, I fancied you,” or “I’ve had a crush on you for the past few months now.” SOOOO eloquent.

I hope you can take something from this post πŸ™‚ It’s alright to admit how you feel. Don’t be terrified of it.

From Elm πŸ™‚

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21 thoughts on “Why I was Shrieking in Mortification Earlier

  1. I don’t know somehow I think you’re a really cool person. Like I would never ever tell someone that I fancied them or I don’t really have deep conversations with people beside my really good friends. So Even I don’t know who you really are just wanted to let you know you seem like a really cool person:)

    • Ohmygod thank you so much! πŸ™‚ And YES – you could do it. I was so terrified a year ago to do anything like that, because I honestly thought my world would end. This was this awfulfear I had – but I don’t know why, but now it’s easier. Easier just to express myself, you know? I have no idea how to explain it.
      But thank you! No one’s really described me as cool πŸ˜›

  2. I’m glad that it all turned out well, I think you handled it perfectly regardless of having freaked out (which was totally normal!) Much love x

    • It makes me so happy that you think it was good πŸ™‚ I always worry that I’m digging up the past for no reason, or expanding on things too much. It’s something I worry about loads, but your. comment made me feel better about it.

  3. I’m glad you said it. It may not have been the most ideal way to go, but let’s be real, things like this are NEVER done perfectly. You’ll feel embarrassed now, but hopefully, in the future- you both will be able to laugh over it πŸ™‚

  4. I think it takes a lot of courage to tell someone how you feel or how you have felt! So major props to you girl 😘 And as you say, once you did it it was fine and you felt good about it. Remember that feeling the next time you have the urge to speak out to someone about your feelings 😊

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