I Opened the Floodgates

I considered password-pretecting this post, making it private, or not posting this at all. I thought, “What’s the point? Who the hell’s gonna read it anyway?” ME. I’m going to read it. I’m going to write it, because my heart feels shattered and I feel so sick that I’m shaking insanely.

This post is going to focus on my breakup with Rapunzel, which you can read a little about here. I won’t be going through what happened – these are just my thoughts. My scattered thoughts. As a disclaimer: I’m not angry at Rapunzel, or at myself; I don’t hate anyone right now. This wasn’t a breakup that was bitter.

If you’re reading this, Rapunzel, I’m so sorry if this makes you sad. I don’t want to cause you pain, and know that I have so much respect for you because you’re doing the best you can – don’t forget that I’m here whenever you need to talk.

And here’s the actual… Explosion of thought. Sorry in advance – I SHOULDN’T SAY THAT, IT’s OKAY TO POST THIS

Tears are in my eyes, and now they’re sliding down my cheeks. I haven’t cried in exactly a week – I haven’t let myself. My philosophy was that if I broke, I wouldn’t be able to focus on exams. I had to numb it. It was – IS – sensible, but now I’m empty.

It hurts. I can feel myself choking, wondering, thoughts circling round in my head. I’m not okay. I’m so incredibly not okay that it astounds me. I feel so upset that I’ve been so obvious about it, because it was SUPPOSED to be invisible. Numb. That’s how I needed it to be. I’m not speaking plainly oh shit.

I feel so… Disappointed. Miserable. Usually, I’d let it out slowly, and allow myself to cope over a period of time, but because of exams, all this sadness and pain is pouring out of me NOW. I don’t know how to express it.

How can I be okay after a relationship ended? I’m not angry. I’m just so sad, because I had so much hope. Hope for me and hope for her and hope for everything, which is all shot to hell now. That’s the main thing: I had illusions of forever, which I hate. And now I’m crying and I just want it to all stop for a minute, just for a MINUTE, but I can’t.

There are so many unresolved feelings that I have, which I didn’t address until now. Every time I think about moments with her, I get a flash of happiness and then the worst feeling: a creeping, cold sensation, that makes me feel so incredibly sad that I can’t speak. I can’t articulate and it hurts, because of the memories.

On the floor, tears falling, hands wrapped around my knees so that I won’t tear my hair out. Why, if it lasted for two months, does it hurt this much?

I’m in love with her and the hopelessness of that is fucking killing me. I feel so pathetic and absolutely broken, like a rag doll thrown against the shore, and all I can do is repeat the same phrases: I’m sad I’m sad sad sad sad I want to disappear stop, stop, I just feel so sad. I’ve tried to make myself strong, to be positive in exams, but my heart’s broken again through no fault of anyone. That partly makes it worse and partly makes it better.

All the things that will never be. The fairytale’s gone and the hope I had too, in THIS at least. I’m whining, asking myself why things don’t go right – because I proved to myself I was okay, after my last relationship where I thought something was wrong with me because my feelings faded. That’s something. But now, my feelings for her are the same and it damn hurts and why can’t I just EXPLAIN?

The very thought of thinking about other people, in that context, makes me want to cry. It feels wrong, just WRONG, because right now she’s the only one I can think about. There’s a guy who keeps on making sexual references about me and other people; if he does that one more time, I’m snapping. It won’t matter that I’ll go crazy at him, because he knows but he doesn’t know how horrified I feel when he does that.

I don’t care that one day I’ll move on: for now I just can’t; none of that matters. I don’t care that I’ll be happy again with someone else because I’m not now and all I want to do is sob my lungs out in a corner.

Is this normal? Is it normal for me to react so miserably after a breakup? I almost feel guilty, which is ridiculous, but she may read this. Nothing’s her fault – not mine either – but it can never go back to how it was which is in a way a good thing, because she needs to take care of herself. Don’t think you’re selfish, Elm. It’s okay it’s okay damnit.

I feel so lost. Melodramatic, but lost too; I don’t know how I’m going to function over this week. I just want to cry, and now I am, and I want to scream about how unfair it all is. I have no happy ending, at least it feels like that now, but if I don’t let this out I won’t feel human. This post has no substance for fuck’s sake.

My dad came into my room and asked me how I was feeling, because he knew I had gone upstairs to “feel miserable”, in my words. I said, “No. I’m not okay. I’m very, very sad.” Though that nearly set me off again, I was happy I was being honest.

Has this helped? I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. This week, whenever my thoughts strayed down the path of her, or whenever I got reminded of things we said or some of her adorable habits, I shut myself down. I can’t make myself think of all of them now, but when they inevitably crop up, I know I’ll find it difficult to hold myself together. I can just content myself with letting things out on this blog.

I miss her. That’s the whole pinnacle of this. I miss her and her laugh and the way that she made me laugh, and the three happiest days I’ve had in recent years. The way that we talked, at 3 in the morning, and it was silent all around us. The way that I was so so happy, knowing something was going really well – and I might get that again, who knows? I miss it all and the memories of that are making me cry again, because now I feel so lonely. God, I feel lonely as shit and that’s so damn pathetic.

All the things that were. All that things that could have been. All the things that will never be.

Oh well. Guess I’ll just have to cope, in my own way, and feel as positive as possible without crying for help constantly.

Thanks for being here.

From Elm πŸ™‚

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87 thoughts on “I Opened the Floodgates

  1. Elm, I know things are horrible right now and you don’t care if it will get better in the future, no one cares things will end up well because at the moment everything is in only one color. I never had a break up but what I can say is that soon you’ll start to see other colors and with time everything will go well. I wish I could say something about now but I always think that these things are supposed to hurt, if they didn’t we wouldn’t know how is like to be happy then. So glad you got to share how you feel, stay strong!

    • I’ll do my best. Your comment honestly really did help me – I’m trying to stay as positivez I can for as long as I can. I feel awful right now, but I know deep down it’ll pass. It’s just about letting those feelings out – and LETTING myself know it’s okay to do that. I wanted this post to be a total representation of my thoughts, “unhinged” or otherwise, and so that’s why it’s a bit jumbled. But I’m proud of it, in a way

  2. Awww… I wish I could say something helpful, but this unfortunately is natural. Writing really helps to let everything out because at least it feels like you mind is a little bit more emptier. You’ve been through quite a rough patch {ik sorry I’m not good at empathy} but you’re strong. You can get over this, I’m sure of it xx ❀️

    • You ARE good with empathy and with supporting people. Seriously, your words made me feel much happier about this whole situation. It’s going to take a lot of time, but I know I’ll realise it’s alright to feel like this. You, plus other people, have started me on my journey to convince me of that. Thank you so much! You’re always so lovely towards me and I can’t thank you enough

      • No problem! Really, you’re such an amazing person, it’s really hard to see you so upset. I hope you have a happy ending to your journey πŸ’—

  3. elm, i get you. having to deal with both exams and a breakup at the same time must be absolutely shattering, and i know you’ll be able to pick yourself up and move on very soon – but for now, it’s okay to feel those bad feels, and don’t make yourself feel bad about the fact you’re feeling them. stay strong and stay hopeful ❀

  4. Elm, you are such a strong person… I don’t even have to know you in real life to be able to tell you that. You have had such an incredibly hard time and you have managed to keep it inside of you… I literally know no one else that could have done that. You are not only strong but sensitive… Everyone is! But you need to release… Crying hurts… Well, everything will… But you need to release and get it out… Please! You will have so many questions and so many doubts but please don’t think for one second that you are at fault, neither of you are! I want to hug you, but I can’t… and I’m actually sorry for that… But please find someone who you love who you can talk to, who can hug you… Maybe you don’t even have to talk about it but just get a hug. Please. And make it bloody long.

    • James I honestly want to hug you, because you’re AMAZING. Thank you so so much! I will get a hug, and loads of them. Honestly, you just helping me and supporting me makes my day.

  5. Sorry sweet Elm. Don’t think about feeling like this ever or never again right now. Just be in the moment and feel the emotions. Write them, cry them, yell them…. Whatever you need to express them. One Day you won’t hurt so much. Hugs!!!!!

    • Hugs back at you πŸ™‚ That comment made me happy. I just want to feel things – to feel human. I’m worried though that I’ll go overboard. Ah well! Thanks so much for your support xx

  6. Of course it’s okay to blog about this, this is absolutely what your blog is for and remember we are all here for you ❀ I've never had an 'official' breakup that was like this but I know how horrible losing someone you love like that feels, and I can't begin to imagine what it's like with your exams on top of that! You don't need to be strong, you don't need to be brave, and you do not have to feel guilty for feeling sad. I'm sure Rapunzel is just as upset as you are and that's okay because it's just human nature. Big big hugs to you, and we (and I!) are always here ❀

  7. You are a very strong person to be sharing these types of things. You are a very strong person in general and you are an inspiration to me. I hope that everything will become okay in the end. Sending lots of hugs your way because you deserve them. xxx

  8. Man, I don’t know what to say because I am amazingly inexperienced and clueless about all this. But anyways. Elm, you are wonderful and strong. It’s all coolios if you’re feeling upset, I guess that’s human nature. And yeah. Sorry my ‘advice’ or whatever sucks on this topic. Hope you’ll feel better soon, but take the time you need *hugs*

  9. Elm , I’m truly clueless about stuff like this but I guess you need to stay strong! Don’t let it make you weak .. She maybe wouldn’t want to see you like this ..
    Remember I’m always there if you need me 😊
    *hugs*

  10. I know how messy a break up can be – I got dumped thrice – and the last ‘almost’ relationship that I had, when he got himself a girlfriend, I felt like I got dumped. I feel you girl. On the whole exams and breakup thing as well. It IS normal to react this way to a breakup, but you’re a strong person, Elm. It’s alright to occasionally feel and cry, but don’t let it rule your emotions. You’re a fighter! πŸ™‚
    It’s good that you’re blogging about it and letting it out – that’s what I did – and that’s what I still do. Breakups are hard, and you might feel like everything is black and white now, but you have the power to make the mundane extraordinary. Everything will fall into place, I promise. ❀️
    Love ya. Feel free to message me/ any of us.
    We’re always here for you. x

  11. Elm, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. πŸ˜” I know exactly how you are feeling, though. It is not pathetic – you are human. Just give it time. We all grieve differently. Focus on your friends and family, doing things you love. Also, regret is a terrible thing to live with, so if something needs fixing, fix it – don’t throw it away. You are a lovely person, don’t forget that. 😊 Although, your post left me in tears, I was glad I read it. This is something everyone can relate to. Your heart is already on the mend, I can tell. Your blogging friends are all here for you, Elm! You are a tough cookie! Sending *a huge hug* to you! πŸ˜ŠπŸ’•

    • I just want to meet you and hug you because you’re beautiful and awesome. GOD THANK YOU SO MUCH. I’m sorry you were in tears because of my post, but I can tell that you really care about me and that means so much. The amount of times I’ve said to myself, “How the hell am I going to get through this?” is uncountable, but I have people like you to pull me through. That makes me feel like it’s worthwhile – and my heart’s trying to mend itself, one step at a time.

  12. You have had such a tough time compared to others and I really admire you for the fact that you keep going. Although this is a difficult time at your life with exams and your breakup, things will get better and keep thinking of the long summer you have coming up. Although crying may leave us all in a sniffling mess, it is really cathartic and is much better than bottling things up. Its great you can share these things with us on your blog. Just know we are all here to support you Xx

    • Oh my god, thank you so much, Ocean. You are such a wonderful person πŸ™‚ It’s difficult, but I’m trying to power through as best I can. I’ll have to numb everything once exams start again, but the summer will give me a REAL chance to relax and think.

  13. Awww, Elm, it’ll be alright. Even I don’t know you personally, it really hurts you being and I mean it. It’s going to be okay. Not now, but soon. Also, don’t act numb about this. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel sad. That’s how it is. Just express your emotions and then everything will go out, all your sadness and bad emotions, and then you’ll feel better. We’re all here if you need help.

    It’s okay Elm. You’ll be okay… πŸ™‚

  14. You wrote this to get things off your chest-and I hope it has helped. Don’t you DARE to EVER think of yourself as pathetic or ‘shitty’ when it comes to this, or ANTHING for that matter.
    You’re so strong, and this is your awesome way of coping.
    What happened, happened. It’s okay to think about the past, important even. But I know that AFTER this? After this, you’re going to emerge so much more stronger and most importantly, help yourself.

    • I really, REALLY think you’re right. I’m trying to be strong, to hold myself up, and everything – like this blog and the people here – is helping. All I need is time, but. sometimes I’m scared that by having time, I’ll fall apart even more. But isn’t that on the road to becoming stronger, after all? Thank you for EVERYTHING.

  15. Elm. ❀
    Honey, I'm so glad that you have a place that you are able to rant and be upset on. You are such a strong person, and you need to allow yourself to feel the full spetrum of emotions, even if it seems to be an inconvinience. You are so amazing, and it was 'Rupunzel's' loss. You'll be okay in time, Elm. I'm here for you if you need anything. X

  16. Oh God… This has never happened to me so I’m gonna try and give my best advice…
    Elm, dearest (I sound like a mom, whatever), IT’S OKAY TO BE SAD. Let yourself cry. (https://otherassortedstuff.wordpress.com/2016/05/27/its-okay-to-not-be-okay/ Here’s a post I did on that) We’re all here for you, okay? You’re incredibly strong for going through all this.
    I know it seems like nothing will ever be fine again… but they will and afterwards, you’ll be even stronger.
    Well, there’s my shitty advice. Sorry :/.

    • YOUR. ADVICE IS NOT SHITTY! In fact it’s so amazing, you have no idea. It IS okay to be not okay; I just have to remember that and then go along the road to recovery. People like you help with that – your words just make me happy. Thank you.

  17. It doesn’t really matter what I have to say here, because this is your life, not mine, and I can’t fix it for you. All I can do is to tell you that all of us here, reading your blog (and I know it’s a lot!) are here to support you because we care about you, and help you to have someone to share all the good and bad with. I hope you’re feeling better now! Lots of love,
    Amy

  18. Aww, Elm, I’m so, so, sorry. All the hugs from me as I’m not too sure what else I can say/do other than if you need me you can always get hold of me and I’ll try to be there xxx

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