I spent the day with Red and Ivy – two of my best friends who are fantastic. We walked around the town, laughed at stupid things (I cried because I laughed so hard), took pictures of birds and sat on the grass. GODDD it was amazing and I felt so happy; I needed a distraction from the stuff that’s been going on recently. Also, I can never think of mirror selfies the same way again, so thanks for that 😛
It was over lunch that I broached the subject of Ash, and how I’d been thinking of messaging him over the past few weeks. It’s true: recently, I’ve just been wanting to do it, to see how it would go; to prove to myself I COULD. The two of them didn’t judge me at all – in fact they were bloody supportive. After we walked around for a bit, we went and sat on the grass, chatted and threw grass at each other, and that was when I messaged him.
I’d talked about it with them, got a little scared, but then just messaged him saying hi – that was all. It worked, really; I couldn’t say anything else. It felt freeing, and like I could really do this. How do I express this?
I then wouldn’t think about it – I told myself, “Don’t obsess. You did that last time, and it’s okay – he’ll reply when he replies.” Ivy reminded me to check now and again, but it didn’t turn into a constant worry; I’m proud of myself for that. After I’d sent it, I felt really sick but that was the only time when I properly freaked. Luckily, they were there to help me, and we turned it into a symbolic thing without making it overly serious.
He DID reply, and I’m so happy that when I saw, I only got the slightest twinge of “WHATTHEFUCK is going on???” I was relatively calm, which is surprising; it kind of shows me that I’m way more okay with what happened than I thought. YESSS.
God, it feels so surreal. You know when you just experience things and you ask yourself, “Is this ACTUALLY HAPPENING?!”
I think what propelled me to do this was that a few days ago, Aspen (my ex-boyfriend who I really respect) messaged me which made me unbelievably happy; he and I have conversations from time to time but we hadn’t spoken in two months before he’d messaged me. That made me feel like the past was in reach, and that it was okay to do this; I’ve been feeling like I NEED to get closure for things. Aspen was the first step, and I think now WAS the right time to message Ash
Our conversation is very formal – asking how each other is, how exams are going. But it’s something. My heart’s filling with so much happiness right now, because I took that first step. It may seem like I’m dragging up the past when I shouldn’t, but it actually doesn’t feel like that. I’m no longer that girl who would wait for his messages and wonder, “Does he hate me; what have I done wrong; am I awful?” I’ve grown.
Sorry, I’m feeling so emotional at the moment and I’m not. sure why. Just the fact that I’ve opened the door to something that used to cause me so much pain, and when I opened it I was FINE, makes me feel so happy for things to come. I doubt that Ash will attach any significance to my messages, because we aren’t exactly having a heart-to-heart, but it’s important to ME.
It’s not the end of Ash and I. There’s still more to the story, still things unsaid, but that’s okay. You don’t always have to tie up all the loose strings – well, in our case, pick up the thoughts scattered for miles.
I won’t make this in to a massive deal. I’m posting this here because I want to – need to. My blog started with Ash, and throughout it, I’ve gone through stages of loving him and hating him. My emotions towards him now are… Neutral. That’s surprising.
Yes, he’s turned into a horrible person. He gets high every day, I’m pretty sure, and has been known to beat people up. That doesn’t stop me wanting to look back on things, and for wanting to show myself. that I can speak to him without screaming. It’s in the past, but I can still talk; I want to show him that we don’t have to be strangers.
Red and Ivy are the only ones that know. When this is published, so will you and I’m happy about that. The majority of you won’t have been here in the midst of everything to do with Ash, but I think you can understand. He was the first person I fell in love with, the person who showed me what being so openly trusted felt like, and the person who smashed my feelings into the ground and kicked them, without realising. Someone like that’s always going to be important. I haven’t told any of my real life friends, but if they read this then they’ll know.
Even if I may get backlash, or questions as to why the hell I’ve done this, you have to understand my reasons. It’s for me, and for everyone who used to cry over someone who never, and could never, love them back.
If you’re thinking of getting back in contact with someone who once meant the world to you, think about it before you do it. Ask yourself, “Will I be okay afterwards? Will I be able to deal with whatever happens?” If your answer is yes, grab it with both hands. You can do this.
It’s not the end. It’s not the end of my past, because it’s in reach. I CAN be strong enough to talk to Ash, in fact, I AM. Today is not the end of our conversations – though I may message him with a simple hi every now and then, that’s not pathetic. It’s just… Okay.
I’m okay. I’m happy. I’m going to take this and learn, and hold the past with no tears in my eyes.
From Elm 🙂