I SHOULD be revising for biology and music tomorrow, but hahaaahaaa!!!
I’ve made a point NOT to write about any specific exam and I won’t until they all finish, but I wanted to make an exception for this. And what’s “this”? My Maths exam, which I had today.
I don’t like to dwell on exams. It makes me overthink things way too much. Saying that, on my personal twitter I’ve got involved in the banter – using #aqabiology and #edexcelmaths which makes my life. On the blog, I haven’t talked about it because it’ll put SO much pressure on me. Maths, though, is somewhat significant.
In terms of learning, I’ve always not been confident with maths, and that’s because of the diagrams. Here comes the whole sob story: if you don’t know, I’m blind. I wish it wasn’t like this, but because of it, I find it more difficult to orientate myself around, and drawing graphs is a bit difficult and takes an age.
I have double time, so 3 and a half hours, because of all that blindy shit. A lot of people don’t get it and ask me why I should get so much, and I don’t know how to explain. It just takes me a lot longer to draw and construct and know which measurements correspond to which side on a shape, for example. So there was me, from 8:30 to 12:30 (an extra half hour for rests, printing and then signing) in a room – I couldn’t get up, walk around or anything really.
Without going into too much detail, I found the paper actually AMAZING. Not because it was easy, but because it was EASIER: it was a calculator one. The non-calculator one I did two weeks ago was about the worst thing I’ve ever done, because I could barely do the last 5 questions. I lost so much confidence and felt utterly miserable about it.
This one? Apart from two questions, I could do all of it quite confidently. There was no freaking out, no tears, no thoughts of “I hate it all I can’t do this!” because I had no need to think that. I was in there for about 4 hours in total, and there were moments where I had to think a LOT about a specific question, but it was logical thinking rather than panicked thinking.
Today, I can truly say that I’m proud of myself. It’s not often that I CAN say that, because I usually find fault with something I do. With the maths, there are some questions I got wrong – for anyone who did the Edexcel paper, you know that perimeter of the sector question? I fucked that up. Same with those disgusting algebraic fractions. That doesn’t matter, though; for the ones I thought I’d REALLY struggle with, I did well.
Also, I GOT The COLIN’s CAR QUESTION RIGHT. It took me a while but I DID IT. Oh yeah, and please don’t look at the unofficial mark scheme; it’ll just stress you out.
I did WELL. At MATHS! I know the non-calculator paper will drag my marks down, but GOD I’m so happy because this one went well. If you know me, you’ll know that over the last 2 years, I’ve freaked out massively in lessons with difficult topics (algebraic fractions, sine rule, to name a few). To give an idea of what it was like, I cried insanely in front of my teacher and told her that I felt worthless and that I was useless at everything. I NEVER express those sorts of feelings to teachers.
But I DID IT. For maths, I managed; I never have to do it again, but at least I can say I went of that exam not thinking I was a failure. I was, and am, happy, because it’s put me into a positive mindset.
That’s important. When an exam goes well, hold onto that feeling and tell yourself you CAN do this. If an exam makes you feel terrible, don’t get hung up on it: just move on to the next one. You need to get your confidence up, because otherwise you’ll just think it’s all pointless.
I really, really want to get an A in this subject. Not because I like it, and not because I necessarily care about the subject, but because I want to prove to myself I can. All those times I cried because I thought I was awful, and because I couldn’t understand something? I want those to disappear in the knowledge that I have DONE well at something. That I have achieved something that before, made me doubt myself.
I’m happy. Maths was an exam that caused me so much worry, but now it’s over. Now I can really clear my head, and concentrate on other ones that make me want to scream, like. music or physics.
Are there any exams that you THOUGHT would go horribly, but haven’t?
Just remember: don’t give up. For GCSE people, we’re nearing the end. WE’VE GOT THIS!
From Elm 🙂