Physical Things

This post has no direction, but that’s the point. I want to get my thoughts out.

Right. Let’s talk about my body – but not the classic beauty. Something… More than that.

I always wonder if I’m attractive. Not an angry wonder – I just get curious. Am I pretty? Do people look at me and go, “Damn, that girl is great.” Hot. Attractive. Whatever word you want to use.

I almost describe it as appealing. Appealing to people, I suppose, in a romantic sense – but not because I WANT to be involved with anyone romantically right now. I’m still unable to think of anyone like that without feeling sad, because things are still confusing when it comes to that and will be for a long time. It’s just… I wonder.

I’m really small. I look like a 12-year-old on the best of days, and I KNOW it. Whenever I look my age, people notice – “Elm! You look grown up today!” and I suppose that makes me feel like a baby. Like I can’t look 16 and when I do, people think I look older. HAH.

I went shopping with my mum today, for shoes for prom. Eventually, we bought them, but in the process I started to feel awful. I WANTED to wear heels, because got I’m not being this short for Prom. Heels that are GOOD – heels that make ME feel not. childish. I got frustrated.

When, for instance, my mum wants to straighten my hair or says I should wash my face, I feel a bit sick. Not because I feel UGLY, but because I get this disgusted feeling. Like I’m a little child, because I can’t seem to get appearances right. I feel like people think I’m cute, not pretty, not BEAUTIFUL. What do I want to feel like?

This might be oversharing, but I suppose I need to say this because I’m insecure and I feel too little and too tiny to be taken seriously. And. anyway, people should be able to talk about their body.

My breasts are fucking tiny. It makes me feel upset, even though I know it doesn’t matter. I just… Whenever I want to talk to someone about how irritated I feel about them, I make a joke out of it. “HAHAHA well, least you HAVE boobs! I look like a surfboard.” I shouldn’t do it, but sometimes I just feel stupid and little.

I’d feel too nervous to go to a party, because I’d be scared people would look at me – short, hardly any makeup, bullshit fashion sense and go, “She’s not worth my time. She’s not pretty.” I don’t want anyone to “get with” me because I’m not over Rapunzel and I’m confused and shit. But the fact that someone could POTENTIALLY dismiss me because of how I am, how I look, makes me sad.

Is that how it would be? I don’t know.

If I put on clothes, I wonder, “Will people take me seriously in this?” and I hate it when I think the answer is “no”.

Because who knows? They might. I need to take the chance, and dress how I like without thinking I’m a little baby tiny child. I CAN’T think that.

I need to feel positive. If you feel insecure, like I sometimes do, just remember that it’s YOUR body. A lot of people want to feel like they could catch someone’s eye, but it’s up to YOU to be confident enough to realise:

Yeah, I CAN do this. I’m not too short or too tall, too thin, too ANYTHING. I’m me and whatever size my body parts are, it’s fine.

So I’m going out tonight, and I won’t think about how short or unattractive I think I am.

From Elm 🙂