This post contains some updates on my so-called love life, with some weird kind of thought rambling before it.
Remember the so-called “old days” of Elm, where I’d talk about my various “crushes”, problems I was experiencing, and general screaming embarrassment? That’s going to start again – unofficially, because I never REALLY stopped. Nothing’s happened; I just decided that next time something does (haaaaahaaaa), I won’t shy away from posting about it.
Why, you might ask? And if you haven’t, I don’t blame you. Well first of all, I miss talking to you guys about it. I remember in the summer, with everything to do with Cassia, and Palm and ALL the other things. Before that: Birch, Ash, Cedar. I felt happy that I could yell about what was going on without fear of getting picked on, or without fear of people reading it who would tell anyone.
My post yesterday, for all its negativity, made me think seriously. In my last two relationships, with Aspen (NOT THE BLOGGER) and Rapunzel, they both knew about my blog. Rapunzel before we went out, of I showed Aspen after.
As much as I respect both of them to the highest degree, showing them my blog meant I couldn’t write about them. When I went out with them, I doubt I would have even if I HADN’T shown them, but afterwards I needed a place to rant and (about Aspen) shout about what a terrible person I thought I was and (with Rapunzel) have an outlet for all the confusion I felt. Right now, I’m okay; I didn’t have that then though and it felt like something was missing.
Now I look back on it, I think they would have been okay with me posting about what was happening. Well, not CERTAIN situations, but my general feelings. Saying that, I felt and occasionally still feel trapped and like I shouldn’t speak about things even now. Not that bad things have happened, but ehh.
In a nutshell, Rapunzel and I have agreed to move on. So much has happened after we broke up, which made us both feel shit. I didn’t tell any of it to you because of privacy issues and I just felt too bad to talk about it properly, anyway; it’s all sorted now, luckily. Because of that, we said we can’t keep doing this to each other. So that means that we both said it’s okay for us to get with other people, and though I feel horrendously guilty about it, it’s alright. I haven’t yet, but at some point I will, and there’s nothing wrong with it.
I feel much more free to post about things now. After we had a long conversation, which involved me getting way too overly emotional, I realised that sometimes you get the right person at the right time. Then, that right time turns into a tiny bit of a wrong time, and it keeps on growing until something HAS to be done. Yeah, it still hurts and I’m not over it and won’t be for a while, but we’re both trying. Anything might happen, but for now, I’ll just live my life. She’s still the “right” person, but it’s entirely the wrong time and sometimes people just don’t work, no matter how right they are for each other. That’s okay.
That’s why I want, and NEED, to post about happenings with me in the future. I’ve also decided not to tell anyone really about my blog until I really, really trust them – specifically those I might get into a relationship with, because I NEED an outlet to talk about it.
I don’t like going behind people’s backs. In fact, I find it terrible and I’ll think I’m a bad person. Sometimes, though, it has to be done, as I WILL need advice from time to time. It’s only natural, and for my piece of mind and happiness, I want to do this. To talk about a cute conversation I had, or happiness I felt. To get confused over people without having to censor my words.
It’s MY blog, and it’s ME. I’ll write it for me, and for people reading it; not to impress, but just to talk about my life. It’s bloody therapeutic as well.
I’m quite excited for this summer. It may seem throwaway and a bit bad, but I kind of want to get out there and do things. Kiss people. Be FREE. I can, after all; nothing’s stopping me but the thought that I might be taking things too fast. When will I get the next chance, though? This summer is stress free and I’m glad of that.
Also, who DOESN’T love and cringe about an embarrassing story from me?
Has anthing interesting happened to you guys lately? What do you think about me posting about all this?
From Elm 🙂