When I was at the water park with Robin on Thursday, we talked about pretty much everything. She helped me to realise exactly what thoughts surrounded and stopped me from getting into a relationship: fear.
The fear was not something that I emphasised, when I explained everything to her, but as we talked it started to dawn on me. I think I need to share those fears with you, to clear my mind, and to explain a little of how I work. It may disgust me whilst doing so, but I’m keeping the self-hatred to a minimum.
To start off, the main fear I have is that people will react negatively. I know that realistically, I shouldn’t care because this is my life and screw whoever tries to sway my decisions to fit themselves, but I can’t help it. No matter who I “go out” with, someone is going to be pissed off, but I hate making people angry or upset. Yes, it’ll happen, but I just wish it didn’t have to. I want to be happy, without having to watch my words around certain people, and without getting upset because I think that they hate me. You know when you just worry, and get paranoid, because you know someone’s going to take things the wrong way? I just have to remember that I’m okay and that my good friends will understand, whoever I may end up with.
This sounds stupid, but I’m scared of the breakup. It’s inevitable: things don’t last forever, and you know my stance on things ending. That is to say, I don’t like it, but I’m getting there. Breakups are horrible, and though the last two I had weren’t nasty or anything, they still leave me dreading any more. I hate the crying, the sadness, the longing for something I can never have again. The loss, almost. Hating and being wary of that is natural, I suppose; they tell you to enjoy the good times and not think about when it will end, but how can I not? I don’t work like that.
Most days, I hate myself for this one, but Robin helped me to sort it out. I’m the type of person who is scared of being trapped. This is very difficult to articulate in writing, but I’m terrified that in a relationship, I’ll feel like I don’t have freedom. When I’m out of one, what I often do is think about “getting with” other people. I like the feeling of having that option, the ability to talk to someone random in the sun and know that there’s a faint, faint chance that it could develop. What if I crave that freedom in a relationship and act stupidly, or accidentally flirt with someone? It makes me angry, and even more angry that I can’t explain this in a way that doesn’t make me sound like some sort of awful girl. Horrible names whirl in my mind, and this is the one thing – right now – which causes me to ask myself why anyone would bother trying to get into a relationship with me if I act like this. UGH.
However, Robin really helped me to talk it out: I realise now that I crush or obsess very easily, but I’ve only had a few instances of serious feelings for people. Those are the ones that matter. I may contemplate what it would be like to lean closer to a person, but it doesn’t amount to anything. Like with james on Wednesday, I entertained the thought of “flirting” and I felt this strange anticipation because he lives so close to me. Remembering that not EVERYTHING or anyone is a possibility is important; I don’t have to always look for someone. Yes, kissing someone out of the blue may be spontaneous and lovely, but at the end of the day, it’s just fleeting. Though I will still have the fear in the relationship, if I like the person enough, I’ll feel more secure in myself to not be a bitch. ARGH I’m not making sense and I sound terrible!
I’m worried about taking that step to get into a relationship itself. It seems so final, like there’s no turning back. Perhaps I shouldn’t attach so much trepidation to something that is good, but the nerves I associate with it are partly attributed to me initiating a fair bit of things to do with relationships, either getting feelings first or kissing someone first, etc. Saying that, that’s a fucking lie in some situations. I’ve attached too much significance to the start of it, and I’m worried that that will cause me MORE worry. That getting into a relationship will incur a whole host of problems, of which I won’t be able to deal.
Insecurities are shitty, and I always have the one of not being good enough. Not replying, not making an effort to see the person, and then what if they lose interest? If I’m not what they expected, or if I just don’t cut it for girlfriend material, then I ask myself why they would stay with me. WOW, my thoughts are morbid! But seriously, seeming as I’m being honest, I’m scared that they’ll just end up not caring and then I’ll be left in the metaphorical dust.
Of course, there’s then the very real worry of ME losing interest. I anger myself a lot, because when I go out with someone (this has only happened once) I realise it wasn’t what I expected, and then call my feelings into question and figure that they’re nonexistent. So, like my previous fear, but in reverse so that the other person feels like shit. I don’t want to hurt anyone.
If I can get over those fears, I think I can truly be happy. It’s all about weighing up what I want, versus what other people want. In some situations, I can’t come first and I have to accept that. The above paragraphs may make it seem as if it’s hopeless, but I know that there’s still hope left.
Relationships are fucking terrifying. I’ve always been nervous of them, mainly because of me. All me. The what ifs spin round and round in my head, until my mind hits a roadblock and I wonder who I reY am.
Fears will always be present, but I have to minimise them in order to feel somewhat secure in myself. Yeah, so many things could go wrong, but what’s important is that now, I can be happy.
This may not mean much now, and the earth won’t shatter at my thoughts, but I think I’m ready to try. I’m ready to lift that block I’ve had in my mind on relationships, to consider it a possibility. My throat sometimes gets choked up at missed opportunities, and that will happen in the future too, but it’s okay.
My life can’t be ruled by fear. I will call myself some terrible things if I continue to want to live and revel in the freedom, but again, I should just live my life.
Thanks for always sticking with me. I know that I get confusing sometimes, but I hope you every understand a little more of me from this. What I think, and how I feel, mostly. After all, you can find out a lot of thought processes from my blog.
From Elm 🙂