Simple Weariness

I’m just so… Tired.

As I’m sitting here, inside and out of the stifling heat, I’m finding it hard to get the words out as to how I’ve been feeling. It’s faded, to a muted roar in the background, so that now I feel numb and so drained that I can barely think.

Today was an exhausting and excruciating day of shopping. From the minute I got out of the hotel, I started to feel terrible; I was being productive this morning, and so it didn’t feel that bad. But throughout the day, I felt sick: miserable, destructive, shattered in the way that I felt hopeless.

No: I FEEL hopeless.

“Elm, don’t scratch at your chest,” my dad said, not understanding that I’d been so furious at myself before that it was the closest thing I could hurt, to make myself feel human and pain and it didn’t work. Staring up at the ceiling, a strip of light the only thing I could see, wishing I was just away from everything so I could breathe or scream until my lungs burst. One word responses. So silent that I felt as if I was barely there, only snapping once – and after that, I viciously screamed at myself inside my head.

To me, it makes no sense as to why I feel so awful. The exhaustion felt bone-deep, today and yesterday, my heart pumping anger and so much tiredness around my body that I felt ill with it.

I despise the way my family acts, sometimes. The way my stepmother doesn’t understand my basic moods; my sister, who for some reason is getting on my nerves and my dad, who laughed when i got angry. The fact that I couldn’t even pretend around them, the world receeding into a fog of terrifying grey, where the smallest things wanted to make me twist my arms behind my back, or test just how far my wrists could turn. I called myself pathetic, yelled it at my stupid mind, because I couldn’t fucking snap myself out of my stupie daze.

Life feels like it’s spinning out of control. Back in England, I actually felt like I had my shit together, whereas now when I don’t do my homework I can’t entirely blame it on myself. That’s messed up: the fact that I find it so much easier to tell myself I’m disgusting than to realise it’s not my fault.

Nothing could give me energy today. I feel listless, broken almost, in the sense that my responses to everything are dulled. They think I’m tired, and I am: just not because I’ve had no sleep.

I’m tired of feeling like this. My body feels weak, and all I want to do is curl up and scream. Everything feels pointless, stupid, and the only thing I’m looking forward to is after the dreaded Result’s Day.

I have a feeling I’ve messed loads of things up to do with friends. Played with people’s emotions, not been myself, not talked to them enough. I still don’t have a clue what to do about my love life, and the answer should be simple enough, but it isn’t.

God, I can’t even explain to you why I feel this way. It usually comes naturally, the words flowing out of me so that I feel better, but now they’re hitting a block and only getting passed it in bursts.

I don’t want to go out tonight. I want to sit here, wallowing like the sad piece of shit I am. It came to me today just how exhausted I am, how much I feel like life is stretching before me with no glimmer of anything positive, much. Yes, there are the odd things that will happen, but right now I feel so negative that I can’t see them.

I flinched away from physical contact, earlier, my shoulders stiff and my eyes dead. I’m so done with most things, and I’m shouting that this is attention-seeking, that I should stop talking and live my life and move on from this.
It’ll get better, I say, if I stop contemplating it too much. But I know that if I don’t write at least some of this down, I’ll want to die later on. I already think I’m not worth much, so it doesn’t make much difference, but it’s the principal of that matter.

To be honest, I feel rather childish. Like if I just try harder, I’ll feel better; this is supposed to be a HOLIDAY. I almost feel as if I’m throwing a tantrum, that my family thinks I am, or that posting about this is a dumb idea. But who knows, it might help me to sort out my muddled emotions.

Writing about this has helped, in some way. I still feel tired, and so blank, but it’s lessening a little. My throat’s choking up from the fact that I’ve not done any homework today, and that I’ve been so incredibly sulky and acted like a baby, but I don’t give a shit.

I’ll try and swallow back my self-hatred, even if that means faking being happy. I sometimes wonder why people bother with me, or why I botheo with myself, but then I remember that people do actually like me and that there are reasons for that.

I’m sorry. I haven’t written such a disjointed post in a while.

From Elm πŸ™‚

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60 thoughts on “Simple Weariness

  1. You’re on holiday! I can’t see any reason why you SHOULDN’T be relaxing and enjoying yourself. Have you told your father about how you feel? I think that would make it a little better πŸ™‚

  2. I’m so sorry you’re feeling like crap.. By what you wrote in the post it sounds like being productive and putting your mind to other things doesn’t help a lot.. I wish I could give advice but I’ve never been in the exact same position as you, xxx.

      • It’s good that you’re able to share your thoughts though. I’m glad we’re helping, even if it’s not in real life, but only in the blogosphere xx.

  3. OH NO MY ELM DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR HAVING FEELINGS!! Yeah it really sucks and feeling like that is so. Horrible. BUT I know you can make it through because you’re strong and lovely and amazing, ok? I really hope you feel much better soon. *sending all the loves* ❀

  4. literally just go somewhere by yourself and scream. maybe also punch stuff. a lot of the time when i’m feeling angry and impatient i snap at people and then feel horrible about it so it’s better to just diffuse the anger another non-harmful way. and also if you want to, tell your family that you’re not joking around and you really do feel exhausted and irritated. and finally even if it is harder to realise it’s not your fault, when you feel ready and you’ve got some energy you should focus on realising that even if it is bloody hard. but for now, just try and relax because it sounds like you could use some of that.

    • Ahh thank you so much, Luna. I’ve been trying to get my anger out by other means rather than violence, and it’s worked a little. Your advice is always the best and I’m so gbbad you understand me. Trying to think it’s not my fault is tricky, but I’ll try my best. Thank you πŸ™‚ Sorry my response is a bit incoeerent; I’m exhausted.

    • It’s so difficult to remember to do that, but I’ll do my best. Thank you so so much πŸ™‚ I feel quite a bit better, but I’m still not the best. It means a lot that you’re here, though; positive vibes are VERY much what I need!

  5. I am so sorry your feeling that way!
    I want to tell you something: You are not worthless!!! I know how easy it is to feel that way, but you are not. There are so much bloggers who look up to you and love talking to you. Your family loves you and so do all your friends. You make an impact in the world everyday every time you write on her you inspire people and bring good into this world.
    ❀
    You won't feel irritated forever, just take a deep breath and wait for it to pass. Think of your favorite things and try to get rid of the things bothering you.
    I hoped that in some way this helped. ❀

    • You know what – you make me happy. You always have, when you write such amazing comments as that, because it makes me feel like I’m all the things you say I am. Thank you SO much – I hope that I bring good into the world, because that’s all I want to do.

  6. Hi Elm! First, I am sorry for you for feeling this way and I am happy for you because we’re all hear to help and hear you out any time. Second I absolutely understand what you’re going through! I’ve been feeling the same way (fragile, numb, sad etc) for more than a year! But I would advise you to tell all the people close to you and pour heart out. I didn’t tell anyone about till it was at a point where I wanted to self harm myself! Don’t worry, I’ll be hear if any help!

  7. Hey Elm. Remember that beautiful smile of yours? Do you think you can smile that beautiful smile of yours so that your phone screen stares at you with awe at the strength and courage and beauty your smile reveals.

    Now take a small breathe in and out.

    And if you’ve still got a tiny bit of omg my life is a mess and I can’t stop these thoughts, pick up a pillow and punch it.

    It is okay to feel like this. But please don’t fill your mind with self hatred because you are shimmering with awesomeness and your hard work, thoughtfulness and realness will help you carve a great future for yourself x

    • You are someone who will always make me smile. No matter how awful I feel, you’re always here to remind me that life is worth living. I will ALWAYS thank you for that, from the bottom of my heart. You are so supportive to everyone I admire that more than anything πŸ™‚

  8. Yep I feel you… sometimes I can get like that all of a sudden and just want to curl up and lie in bed.. it’s shitty I know.. have some time to wallow (it’s kinda therapeutic even if it’s usually frowned upon) and then maybe try to go for a long walk or something? Explore? It sounds like you just need a bit of space away from people to reflect…? Obviously you know best what you feel like and what you want… hope you start feeling better πŸ™‚

    • Honestly, you’re right. I’m feeling much better, still a bit listless, but I’m managing. Thanks so much for all your advice and help; I know that you do understand me and that means a lot.

  9. Hey Elm,
    I don’t know what exactly to tell you. I have no advice to give. I just want to tell you that I am so proud of how far you have come and think of the countless times life has pulled you down and yet you still managed to find your silver lining. But maybe there is no silver lining this time, maybe you will have to completely feel this weird messed up extremely sad emotion. Just remember life is pulling you back because it wants to launch you into something great. Where you are an arrow and life is the bow. πŸ˜€ I will tell you something that has helped me when I felt like I couldn’t do life anymore, at the end of the day, it’s you and only you who has the power to help yourself, you can choose to be happy. Yes, sometimes other people make you cry, so cry, but you have got to know your value. And you Elm, my friend you are amazing, kind and extremely inspiring. And if you want to talk I am right here πŸ™‚ xx

    • Oh god, thank you. I say it ALL THE TIME, but thank you. Thank you for letting me see I’m not worthless, that I’m able to get up from this. I let myself feel emotion, and it helped. People like you are the reason I still have a smile on my face. Because I cry, but I still find a reason to hold on. Thank you so much, and if you EVER need anything, I’m here xx

  10. Hey, I get how you feel. I know how it is to feel so bad about yourself and your life, but just put it into perspective- in the bigger picture, this will all blow over soon. I believe in you and you should believe in yourself that you will get thru this. Sending my love ❀

    • I’ll do my very best. Thank you so much πŸ™‚ Believe in myself is the first step – you’re right that I should. I needed someone to be my voice of reason.

  11. Oh I’m so sorry you feel this way! Everyone has these days and they suck. You’ll bounce back and days WILL be better again 😘 until that, all the love from me

  12. Aww, Elm you are a beautiful, amazing, wonderful, inspiring person, you are a beautiful, amazing, wonderful, inspiring person, you are a beautiful, amazing, wonderful, inspiring person, I’m going to keep saying that until it gets into your head. Trust me you’ll get through this, and it’ll be okay, but for now even if it isn’t okay I know your strong and you’ll eventually push past this. I don’t know what to say to make you not feel like this, but all I can say is so, so, many people love you so try to find it in your heart to love beautiful, amazing you. Okay? Okay. Sending loads of hugs and fuzzy stuff and adorable puppies and heart balloons and love your way ❀️

    • Ohhh I love you so much; thank you! (Andppies are adora I want a puppy OMG) Honestlythough, your words mean so much. You’re convincing me that C’m worth something, that people think I’m worth something. You’ve cheered me up and I can’t thank you enough ❀

  13. Elm, you’re right. It’s not your fault. And no, you shouldn’t feel self-hatred, but that doesn’t have to mean that you need to fake happiness. Never try to pretend you’re feeling happy when you’re not, because it’ll just make you unhappier. And as much as I want you to be happy, I’d rather that you tell me when you’re sad so that I can be there for you instead of not having any idea, and I’m sure your friends and family feel the same way. I guess all I’m really going to say is HUGS. I’m here for you if you just want to talk about nothing and/or send virtual hugs for hours on end, okay? *more hugs*
    -Amy

  14. I wish I could give you some advice Elm, but that’ll make me a hypocrite. I feel tired too, and every feeling you stated above. But we can’t let life win, we have to fight even on days like this. I’m not sure I have the strength to fight life right now, I’m not sure about a lot of things. But I’m sure about something, you’re there for me, always, and I’m here for you, always. There are so many people here for you. So let’s go kick some sense out of Life!

    • Yes, let’s! And while we’re at it, I’ll tell you that I think you’re fantastic. You always have been, and you’ve got the strength to fight and be who YOU want to be. Thank you so so much for all your help!

  15. Days like that are the worst. Sometimes it’s confusing to even yourself why you feel a certain way. It really does help to talk about it or keep yourself busy with things so you feel productive. I hope you feel a whole lot better, Elm πŸ™‚ xx

  16. it’ll get better elm don’t worry we all feel that way sometimes too but let me reassure you,

    You are not even close to worthless you are amazing and funny and caring and one of the sweetest bloggers I’ve seen on here.

    We are here for you and try to be optimistic! Everyone has bad days ❀

    -Liss

  17. So happy your able to share your thoughts! I just started blogging here and I’m so thankful to have found blogs like yours xoxo

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