I’m trying to convince myself that this isn’t bragging. People on Twitter have said that it isn’t, I’ve more or less told myself it isn’t – and really, I’m going to let myself be proud of myself.
In case you didn’t know, today was Results Day. Last night, I did manage to sleep – though not much – and so when I woke up at 7 this morning, I spent about half an hour getting myself out of bed.
Having a shower really, really helped. It let me feel like I had my shit together, and who cares if I took ages getting ready? I kept on freezing up, having to take deep breaths, because I told myself I was going to do terribly. Willow – one of my best friends ever – rang me up and we yelled “Good luck!” at each other, but I eventually had to go and eat. Not that I COULD eat much, on account of the fact that I felt like throwing up.
I can’t really remember the car journey down. It took us 45 minutes to get there, with me blasting loud music from the radio with the car roof down. I called Fibit about 15 minutes before we got there, texting various bloggers and real life friends; all of it calmed me down.
I stared out of the car window, thinking of all the ways it could go wrong. It hit me then just how fucked I thought I was – I considered how bad it would be if I failed a subject, and my vision went blurry as I could barely breathe. Mum’s “Oooooh this is a bit nervewracking, isn’t it?!” didn’t exactly help, but the world faded into the background as we reached the school.
Cars were parked inside and outside the school, people from my year walking in and chatting to each other. As I got out of the car and the fresh air hit me, I remember thinking, “GOD this is it, arghh!!!” We walked into the reception, and I could hear people I vaguely knew talking, but no one approached me there.
We got about four steps into the hall before a teacher said hey, and “The section for your surname’s over there.” I heard someone shout, “FUCK ME, that’s terrifying!” which summed up my mood perfectly. Another three steps, and a teacher called out, “Elm! We’ll give you your results now so that you don’t have to wait in the queue.” (Why they did that, I don’t know, but it saved me shitloads of time).
I got given the piece of paper – folded, with lots of writing on it I believe, but I wouldn’t know. I don’t remember the noise of the hall, only the feel of the paper in my fingers. My hands shook so hard that I could barely hold it, so I smashed it against my chest, eyes wide. I stumbled out of the hall, my mum guiding me.
It had happened too fast for me to register it, or to comprehend that i was holding my results. She took the paper from me, I collapsed in a chair, and she started reading. First of all, she got confused and didn’t understand the numbers, or why it said ⠦⠠⠓⠊⠌⠕⠗⠽ B” when that was the name of the course, not the grade.
Well, here are my results. I feel almost guilty for posting them, because it makes it feel like I’m showing off? As she read them out, my hands covered my face and I let out involuntary sobbing noises, staring into space and hearing the familiar voice of one of my classmates nearby.
I’ll tell you my reaction after the result.
Maths: A (I THOUGHT I’d FAIL OHMYGOD! I had nightmares about it!)
Music: A (YES I passed music thank fuck; I was so worried about that one)
Sociology: A (Wish I’d got an A star – OH SHUT UP an A is amazing!)
English Language: A (It was a bitch of a paper I GOT AN A YES!)
English Literature: A* (incoherent sounds of screaming, OMG my teacher will be so happy)
RE: A* (I tried really hard on this one, so I’m proud)
French: A* (Je peux étudier le Français l’année prochaine!!!!)
Biology: A* (HAH, bloody drunk rats take ⠞ that I passed Biology!)
History: A* (I cried at this one, Birch said I could get an A* and he was right and HOLY SHIT. i almost feel like messaging him, just to tell him)
Physics: A* (Is this some sort of joke?! How did this happen, I’m SHIT at Physics!)
Chemistry: A* (… … WHATTHELITERALFUCK!!!!!! On finding out that one, I burst out laughing, then cried a bit, and was basically speechless. My chemistry paper went the worst out of all of them and I got a bloody A* how!)
7 A*s, 4 As. I’m in complete, complete shock; I thought I’d do so badly. I was expecting a B in Maths and Music, a fucking C in Chemistry, and ALL my predictions were wrong.
Pine turned up just as I was wiping tears from my eyes, we screamed and hugged each other and I cried a little more. She got an A in Music and a B in English and I’m so incredibly proud of her, because she deserves it. She thought she’d fail English, but she proved everyone wrong.
I saw Red, too, and hung out with him for a lot of the time until we left. My Physics teacher gave me a massive hug as we shrieked over my result, and she congratulated Red too. He got an insanely high mark in drama which is so great.
Other people I saw were Willow, and we hugged for so long whilst shouting. Odd and I went to collect their results. They worked so hard and I’m very happy for them and they got a B in English which is awesome!
Oh, and… Apparently I had one of the best results in the school? Obviously not THE best, because someone (cough Wren cough) got a ridiculous amount of A*s, but it was good enough to be interviewed by the local radio station along with two other people.
AS IN I GOT INTERVIEWED BY THE RADIO. They asked me about my disability, if it affected my learning, and how I felt about my results. Because I had been crying a tiny bit, I was a tad emotional and said I expected to have done so much worse – not to get any A*s at all, for one thing. The most hilarious part is that some of my friends’ parents HEARD ME on the radio, so I got about three messages saying “Congrats on your results!”
Crap, I actually got my GCSE results and I did WELL. Like what? I worried so, so much, and panicked, but I did WELL. I rang up Rose (who got 9 A*’s because she’s amazingly intelligent) and Poppy, two of my best friends who I’ve known since I was a baby, and we just screamed “Well done!” at each other.
I found out what Ash got as well. It might not have been the best, but he passed everything he wantow to pass. I’m oddly proud of him, and we appear to be talking again? He congratulated me on my marks, said it was great etc. It was weird.
For anyone who got results – well done. Let yourself celebrate – I’m going out to dinner with my mum and sister – because you deserve to give yourself a treat. You’ve tried your best and done so well. Remember that.
I need to thank you guys for, well, helping me. Throughout the last year, you’ve supported me: when I cried over the fact that I’d done no revision (I THOUGHT) for my mocks, you convinced me that it was okay, that I still had time and that I was going to do well. You told me, time and time again, that I COULD do this. You increased my confidence, which made me go into the exams with a positive attitude. Always, you believed in me, and now I’m getting choked up because I’m remembering what you’ve all done for me.
Thank you. They may say that positivity has to come from within, that it was all up to me, but I disagree. Blogging has made me realise I’m not all shit, that posting my results and being proud of it isn’t arrogant.
I’m astounded at my results. I just… It’s ME. How did I get that, especially when I was sure I’d not do that well – ever!
I’m really, really happy. All of my friends have something to be pleased about and they did so great.
No matter what result you got, it’s over. The waiting’s over, the fear, the uncertainty. Well done, guys.
From Elm 🙂